Beauty in Being Unique [Part 1 - Factory Christians]

I've been having this thought develop slowly over several weeks and it's finally becoming something coherent. Basically, I have come to love myself for who I am despite my mistakes and the inconsistencies between who people think I should be and who I actually am. I'd like to tie this into the pain I'm going through right now as a Christian. Part 2 will be an explanation more of the beauty of being unique and how everyone, deep down, desires this.


School is tough, and online classes are only for those who have a natural talent at being punctual and disciplined. *Throwing my hands in the air* I am not that person!


So part of my pain is this. I haven't desired God really at all in like two weeks, possibly more. I think I started to feel like this life is a system I can work the right way to my benefit, and if I'm a good seminary student, giving of my resources to my church, then God will surely bless me. After all, I have come a long way, and I'm a lot better than other people about being "active" in my faith. Heck, I feel like I'm leading my family into a better relationship with God.


WHOA THERE. See the arrogance? I was just expressing my thoughts in that moment... and they were stuck up and presumptuous. God is to credit... not me. However, "God is to credit... not me" is a thought that feels forced. I don't feel like I'm saying it because I genuinely feel that way. Do any of you struggle like this?


Here's my point. I feel like a Factory Christian. I see a hat I want, I buy it. I don't hardly ever pray unless someone's plight is very serious or I feel like I have to. I hardly ever leave my apartment, and when I do, it's to do things that satisfy ME. I go to the park to play guitar. Guess what's on the back of my mind? Maybe I'll meet a girl (more self-satisfaction). I feel like others just drain me, so I avoid them. I don't want to put in the effort to get to know them, because I forget they have feelings and might want to know me too. I dream of new things to blow my money on, but I only remember my Zambian sponsor child once a month when my account drafts $40. I've written her... but is she still just a number to me? 40? I put tons of energy and time into keeping my room clean. Why? Because I like how it makes me feel: in control, hip, clean, and for lack of a better word, "customized". I can see why some avoid campus ministries... leaders try to crank out the same type of person year after year!  It's a factory! So no wonder we get people who haven't made their faith their own! People just become the same judgemental, close-minded "I prefer my ideas over yours by default" kind of person year after year, and very few stand out as a beautiful individual who makes you scratch your head and think, "Wow... I'm glad he's here. Wow... I'm glad she's here." 


I'm like a factory-made machine, and I'm customizing myself into who I want to be. Think about it: I've lost my emotionality towards God (not unlike a robot), I spend my mental resources on making myself who I materially want to be (instead of taking time to read Scripture and applying it to myself), I don't care about other people enough to make them a part of my life (more robot-ness)... I'm like an iPhone and everything I'm searching for is a new app. Ooh, a new shirt. Ooh, a new attractive friend. Ooh, a new hip-looking Christian book I won't read. Ooh, a new silly band (ok, not really ;-) ). See? Factory customization. Add-ons.


It feels dead. And I'm not pitying myself when I say this. I just want you to see how messed up it is. I need people to understand me, to see the real me. I'm terrified of living a lie, so I self-disclose about all kinds of things; it's called being real.


Transition. So where do I want to go from here? I mentioned in the first paragraph that I have had a thought resurface for a while... the desire to just break free and be everything I cherish about myself musically, emotionally, mentally)... I want to be the best me, but I want it to not be about me, because if it was about me, I'd just be Oprah, or some celebrity. I want to find that hidden beauty in life that everyone's searching for, the kind that people think Oprah has. I thought I had found it with Christ, but I think I've only gotten a glimpse of it... I haven't chased and stolen it, in the most adventurous and romantic sense of the word. Does that make sense? It's like I just want to break free of everything that anyone expects me to be and just be me. I just want to be a "beautiful person", devoid of the cheesiness you would associate with a guy like me saying that.  Am I having a crisis of faith? No, I want to be loyal to a good God. 


But I am having a crisis of self-blandness, and it comes from following prescribed ways of Christian living without discovering who I am instead. Now, what I'm saying at first seems to sound like "focus on yourself, not God" talk, but it's not. The Gospel must stay central in my life. But something's gotta change for the better... something to do with how honest I am with myself (self-intimacy) and how well I share myself with and listen to the world (world-intimacy). Because in shutting out everything else and learning to value myself as a wonderful person, I'm discovering what makes it worth everyone's time for me to even be here. 


More on that in Part 2.

Could video games be ministry?

I've heard that some have tried to use their xbox subscription to the glory of God by evangelizing online during a video game match. A lot of people think that's absurd. However, because I like to look at both sides of an issue, I'm not going to immediately condemn it. But I do have some thoughts that I think give some insight into this subject.

I was thinking today about how my little brother and I play online and how it never really brings us together. Let me explain.

He misses me a lot. I'm often away from home for long periods of time, so I can see why. He also plays video games a lot, so that's a great opportunity to hang out with him, right?

Well, I'm beginning to think differently. The very nature of the games we play, such as COD 4 Modern Warfare, are such that several things happen in the game that actually keep us "apart" the whole time we're playing together. Literally, the very nature of the game separates us even though we're trying to spend some time together.

Here's what I mean.

Problem One. I die a lot in Call of Duty. Fact. That means that even if I can find my bro in the game, and I try to fight alongside him, I don't last long. Then I get spawned again, this time across the map, so I have to spend the majority of my time in cyberspace actually "away" from my brother, trying to get to him, when the whole point is to be "with" him playing this game.

Problem Two. We're not in the same room, we're in opposite sides of the house, playing in the same match. Problem is, even though we have headsets to talk to each other, that's the only real thing about my brother that I'm getting to encounter in this game. And you know boys. We don't talk much... we just shoot things.

So maybe if it were Nintendo Wii, or if we were playing splitscreen, then I'd actually get to sit in the same room as him and do something fun that makes us laugh together. I've been hoping for another way to connect to my brother besides this... because really, the way it feels when we're done playing, is very, very unfulfilled. I don't feel like I've seen my brother at all, or enjoyed any time with him. It's really robbed me of getting to joke around and laugh with him. You know, doing stuff that makes memories, that we all love doing. Cause who doesn't love hanging out? It's just meaningless. You just play and then you're done, and what do you get to keep? What about your videogame endures beyond you turning off the console? Are you finding your self-worth in what achievements you've earned on XBOX Live? Talk about sad!

So the next time he asks me if I can play Call of Duty, I have to wonder... what are some other things we could do that would actually make us feel like we spent time together? Makes me sound like a goody-goody nerd who writes self-help books, but I don't care. I'm not.

So I have to question anyone who says they're trying to talk about Jesus while people are busy blowing each others' heads off. Not very many videogame players are thinking about how unfulfilled they are while they are playing, but instead after they play. Your online presence has little affect on anyone. It's a waste of time... because it's not real.