De lavender, she is so fine
She go down sweet like summa wine
And when you take anudda sip
It just get betta as it... passes your lips
I don't know what inspired an awkward cajun poem but... yeah
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Lavender tea from Fresh Market
I'm sitting down, just got done doing some cardio and stretching at the gym to keep my back loose and strong, and I'm enjoying a mug of lavender tea. It's pretty much Heaven to my body.
Monday, January 17, 2011
My self-criticism
I'm writing about this because it's a sick habit of mine that I want to dissect and maybe work through mentally as I'm typing. It's much faster than handwriting in a journal and I hope that maybe someone gets something out of it. Who knows.
I was talking with a friend tonight online and I said something about how I suck in this one area of my spiritual life, and I did it in such a way that was self-deprecating. There was something really pathetic about it... I was making a joke out of myself basically sucking at listening to God. She pointed it out to me and I realized that I really am hurting myself without need and cause. I already tend to beat myself up... if you've known me long enough you know that I don't give myself enough credit or let myself off. I tend to feel sick over the same sins of mine, and put myself down in self-pitying ways to try to get attention...
It's a sickening habit because it's something that hurts, yet I want to do it. It's not unlike cutting oneself. Some people self-harm to find a release, but they're actually just scarring themselves, in more ways than one. I'm doing the very same thing in my mind. Cutting myself with comments (yeah cause I just SUCK at this and that) instead of stopping and just loving myself because Jesus told me He loves me and... man. It's so hard. Proverbs: a dog returns to its vomit. God offers me this love and I just turn around and bash my head on walls by not forgiving and loving myself. I really have to stop this. No one's going to be able to love me like I need if I keep destroying myself slowly.
Even now I'm hating myself for being so weak and self-destructive. See how much of a habit it is, the beating-myself-up? It sucks! Pray for me!
I was talking with a friend tonight online and I said something about how I suck in this one area of my spiritual life, and I did it in such a way that was self-deprecating. There was something really pathetic about it... I was making a joke out of myself basically sucking at listening to God. She pointed it out to me and I realized that I really am hurting myself without need and cause. I already tend to beat myself up... if you've known me long enough you know that I don't give myself enough credit or let myself off. I tend to feel sick over the same sins of mine, and put myself down in self-pitying ways to try to get attention...
It's a sickening habit because it's something that hurts, yet I want to do it. It's not unlike cutting oneself. Some people self-harm to find a release, but they're actually just scarring themselves, in more ways than one. I'm doing the very same thing in my mind. Cutting myself with comments (yeah cause I just SUCK at this and that) instead of stopping and just loving myself because Jesus told me He loves me and... man. It's so hard. Proverbs: a dog returns to its vomit. God offers me this love and I just turn around and bash my head on walls by not forgiving and loving myself. I really have to stop this. No one's going to be able to love me like I need if I keep destroying myself slowly.
Even now I'm hating myself for being so weak and self-destructive. See how much of a habit it is, the beating-myself-up? It sucks! Pray for me!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Bam it's 2011 now what
You can spend years in a campus ministry and find your identity in a group, but once you leave that, you're a WHOLE NUTHA person baby. 2010 was unreal in how much I had to adapt to a different life... and I'm still trying to figure it out.
I went from playing in two bands and having a job my spring semester to playing in one band with no job by August... a much-craved relief. I really don't miss my days of being in Crusade; I'm not saying that out of spite, although there was certainly drama and politics that I don't remember fondly (let me be clear, that happens everywhere, and Crusade is excellent for presenting the cut-and-dry truth of the Gospel). I'm saying it more out of acceptance for the me I am now. I don't want to be who I was a year ago... I've learned things, I've moved on. I'm definitely not wise and in some areas I've regressed. But thankfully, I'm different from who I was then and I'm glad about that.
I don't know who I'm gonna be by the end of this year, but I know that I won't be content to close 2011 out without some big changes in myself.
Church culture is so blind; we say that 99 of what happens to us is our attitude, but as soon as someone writes a self-focused book that actually has some good stuff for examining our attitudes, we freak out like it's just another therapeutic self-help piece of crap. Which is kind of an awkward segway into this but I want to mention a book I'm reading: How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. The psychology community embraces this book. I had it for two years and never opened it. I got over it and started it the other day and my mind has been blown. Why? Because I'm not delving into deep mysteries and using stupid camping metaphors like Wild at Heart (just joking but you know what I mean), but instead this book isn't a self-help book. It's literally all about other people and how you react to them. I see Jesus in this book. It explains the value of learning to pay attention to, listen to, and appreciate other people and shower positive affirmation on them instead of punishment, thereby improving the home, workplace, you name it. It turns the world upside down. There's much more than just that in it, but the real-life examples in it and the plain, quaint language of Dale Carnegie just blows my mind. It's been such a relief to read a book that actually helps me and yet doesn't shove a whole bunch of GOD GOD GOD down my ear canals.
Speaking of whom, I have been thanking Him quite a lot the past three days even though I haven't necessarily felt like it, as burdened as I am psychologically from everything that's going on. It's a weird thing. I really can't take credit because He's very much the one who's causing it. I'm mainly writing this because I left my journal at home and I'm in Greenville and I'm not gonna wait to write all this down any more.
The truth is, I'm reaching some conclusions about myself, and I know they're only beginning to form. I am:
a musical person
a poetic person
a self-focused person
an open-minded person
a peace-loving person
a gentle person
a burdened person
a touchy person
a self-isolating person
a needy person
a lonely person
a grudging person
a caring person
I think I probably mentioned music first because that's been the biggest growth this past year. I began going to Town Commons to sit in the grass, play guitar, try to write songs, and get away from my life and all the crap that was going on. Getting music into an organized, written form was a debut experience for me. Also, playing in two bands has something to do with it, but Discovery was really the group that made me step up my game. Now that I've been in the game a while and I see that music is something I want to do for life, my eyes are opened and I want to get better. I want to know my music when I'm up there, better than before.
I chose poetic because of the thought process that went into writing the earlier posts "Beauty in Being Unique". This was not an Oprah, self-obsessed make-your-own-heaven idea, but rather a move God made in my heart to get away from stiff, robotic thoughts I had about life and God, instead moving me more into a way of thinking based out of contentment in who I am. I'm not perfect and I won't ever be, and I'm fine with that, but thanks to the Holy Spirit, I am not fine with my sin. That's the crucial difference between me and Oprah. Plus, I'm far too poor to give random people a pet killer whale or a sexy car.
I chose self-focused because I am. It's said that we spend 95% of our time thinking about ourselves, and the person who said that said it before 1920. When I'm not thinking all about my own confusion and fog, I'm able to see past it and it doesn't steal my stage. I can actually accomplish something. Like Habitat for Humanity or brightening someone's day or just random stuff like that. But when I do focus on myself it gets nasty and I start falling victim to a bunch of sins.
I chose open-minded because I can't sit and watch one news channel, because I hate political debates that are polar because it's all been said before, and because I squirm trying to fit myself into a political box. My beliefs and desires for where I would like my country to go don't fit in a box. They WOULD if the Republican party wasn't historically made up of a bunch of fat cats who don't do anything about the environment or oil dependency, and if it didn't make its decisions out of a churchy, Bible-belt influenced air of superiority and snobbery. But anyway. I grew up conservative, and I am, but I am very critical of my party and why we do what we do. And I think that Democrats are quite capable of having some good ideas as well.
Skipping ahead to "burdened person", I realized in September that a good friend of mine always has the most positive facebook statuses, and that he goes through a lot of the stuff I do, but he reacts to it differently. I don't want to be known as the downer forever, so I decided to change how I react. I haven't made a spotless record of this (I certainly have my dark side), but I do handle it better. How? I spew my ugly details to good friends who actually care.
A touchy person? Only if you catch me during my time of the month, or I happen to be focusing on myself too much. There's always a time each month I'm just not feeling like the world's sunshine.
Self-isolating. This is a big one. I often shut myself in my apartment instead of getting out and doing stuff, partly because I don't know what to do, I don't often get invited to anything, and because I have been struggling with depression and anxiety for a long time. People like me who just graduated but don't have a job are kind of screwed in this culture. We don't have any established network for growing up, getting friends... it's something you have to fight for.
A needy/lonely person? I need a woman. Don't debate it, just accept it. You've heard about that. See previous blog post. Haha.
A grudging person? I realized that there are things, situations I replay in my head so I can feel mad at somebody. Old ex-girlfriends, arguments with my family, you name it. It's all pride. I just try to catch myself whenever it happens... thank you Holy Spirit.
A caring person: I have been told by people after listening to them that I actually looked interested in what they had to say. I'm gonna go ahead and thank God for that and just say that I would rather be this kind of person than any other kind because it's a beautiful thing I want to see more in the world. There have been plenty of situations in which I wasn't interested or listening to someone else, and for those I apologize, but otherwise, I just enjoy being real and I am glad to have been a real listener for you.
In case you can't tell, I get off a lot to the idea that I'm not like everyone else, and that can be a good thing as long as I remember it's God's doing, not mine. I didn't knock on the uterine wall and say "hey yo make me a good listener and very artsy, sensitive like the ladies like" or whatever. I can't take credit for God's good handiwork. And I'm aware I'm messed up. But I'm glad I'm me because I'm content with who I am. Not that I'm a good person by my works, but I turned out alright, I mean come on, I love God, I don't want my old sinful life, and I'm musical, which is fun, and I am (thanks to my friends) very witty when I want to be. And I care about people. I can bring myself to tears very quickly when thinking about profound things that are true, which makes me a sensitive young man and therefore somewhat of a rebel. So this is kind of a pat on the back, but take it to be nothing more than that, because the truth is, God is to credit for ANYTHING I DO RIGHT because the Spirit's doing that through me and I am NOT the Spirit, haha.
The truth is, I am a very self-critical person. To write the previous paragraph did not come easy, because I don't give myself credit for lots of things. Pride isn't necessarily a bad thing, but what you're proud of. I'm proud of the things that make me more like my Father. Not that I could EVER be Him.
I went from playing in two bands and having a job my spring semester to playing in one band with no job by August... a much-craved relief. I really don't miss my days of being in Crusade; I'm not saying that out of spite, although there was certainly drama and politics that I don't remember fondly (let me be clear, that happens everywhere, and Crusade is excellent for presenting the cut-and-dry truth of the Gospel). I'm saying it more out of acceptance for the me I am now. I don't want to be who I was a year ago... I've learned things, I've moved on. I'm definitely not wise and in some areas I've regressed. But thankfully, I'm different from who I was then and I'm glad about that.
I don't know who I'm gonna be by the end of this year, but I know that I won't be content to close 2011 out without some big changes in myself.
Church culture is so blind; we say that 99 of what happens to us is our attitude, but as soon as someone writes a self-focused book that actually has some good stuff for examining our attitudes, we freak out like it's just another therapeutic self-help piece of crap. Which is kind of an awkward segway into this but I want to mention a book I'm reading: How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. The psychology community embraces this book. I had it for two years and never opened it. I got over it and started it the other day and my mind has been blown. Why? Because I'm not delving into deep mysteries and using stupid camping metaphors like Wild at Heart (just joking but you know what I mean), but instead this book isn't a self-help book. It's literally all about other people and how you react to them. I see Jesus in this book. It explains the value of learning to pay attention to, listen to, and appreciate other people and shower positive affirmation on them instead of punishment, thereby improving the home, workplace, you name it. It turns the world upside down. There's much more than just that in it, but the real-life examples in it and the plain, quaint language of Dale Carnegie just blows my mind. It's been such a relief to read a book that actually helps me and yet doesn't shove a whole bunch of GOD GOD GOD down my ear canals.
Speaking of whom, I have been thanking Him quite a lot the past three days even though I haven't necessarily felt like it, as burdened as I am psychologically from everything that's going on. It's a weird thing. I really can't take credit because He's very much the one who's causing it. I'm mainly writing this because I left my journal at home and I'm in Greenville and I'm not gonna wait to write all this down any more.
The truth is, I'm reaching some conclusions about myself, and I know they're only beginning to form. I am:
a musical person
a poetic person
a self-focused person
an open-minded person
a peace-loving person
a gentle person
a burdened person
a touchy person
a self-isolating person
a needy person
a lonely person
a grudging person
a caring person
I think I probably mentioned music first because that's been the biggest growth this past year. I began going to Town Commons to sit in the grass, play guitar, try to write songs, and get away from my life and all the crap that was going on. Getting music into an organized, written form was a debut experience for me. Also, playing in two bands has something to do with it, but Discovery was really the group that made me step up my game. Now that I've been in the game a while and I see that music is something I want to do for life, my eyes are opened and I want to get better. I want to know my music when I'm up there, better than before.
I chose poetic because of the thought process that went into writing the earlier posts "Beauty in Being Unique". This was not an Oprah, self-obsessed make-your-own-heaven idea, but rather a move God made in my heart to get away from stiff, robotic thoughts I had about life and God, instead moving me more into a way of thinking based out of contentment in who I am. I'm not perfect and I won't ever be, and I'm fine with that, but thanks to the Holy Spirit, I am not fine with my sin. That's the crucial difference between me and Oprah. Plus, I'm far too poor to give random people a pet killer whale or a sexy car.
I chose self-focused because I am. It's said that we spend 95% of our time thinking about ourselves, and the person who said that said it before 1920. When I'm not thinking all about my own confusion and fog, I'm able to see past it and it doesn't steal my stage. I can actually accomplish something. Like Habitat for Humanity or brightening someone's day or just random stuff like that. But when I do focus on myself it gets nasty and I start falling victim to a bunch of sins.
I chose open-minded because I can't sit and watch one news channel, because I hate political debates that are polar because it's all been said before, and because I squirm trying to fit myself into a political box. My beliefs and desires for where I would like my country to go don't fit in a box. They WOULD if the Republican party wasn't historically made up of a bunch of fat cats who don't do anything about the environment or oil dependency, and if it didn't make its decisions out of a churchy, Bible-belt influenced air of superiority and snobbery. But anyway. I grew up conservative, and I am, but I am very critical of my party and why we do what we do. And I think that Democrats are quite capable of having some good ideas as well.
Skipping ahead to "burdened person", I realized in September that a good friend of mine always has the most positive facebook statuses, and that he goes through a lot of the stuff I do, but he reacts to it differently. I don't want to be known as the downer forever, so I decided to change how I react. I haven't made a spotless record of this (I certainly have my dark side), but I do handle it better. How? I spew my ugly details to good friends who actually care.
A touchy person? Only if you catch me during my time of the month, or I happen to be focusing on myself too much. There's always a time each month I'm just not feeling like the world's sunshine.
Self-isolating. This is a big one. I often shut myself in my apartment instead of getting out and doing stuff, partly because I don't know what to do, I don't often get invited to anything, and because I have been struggling with depression and anxiety for a long time. People like me who just graduated but don't have a job are kind of screwed in this culture. We don't have any established network for growing up, getting friends... it's something you have to fight for.
A needy/lonely person? I need a woman. Don't debate it, just accept it. You've heard about that. See previous blog post. Haha.
A grudging person? I realized that there are things, situations I replay in my head so I can feel mad at somebody. Old ex-girlfriends, arguments with my family, you name it. It's all pride. I just try to catch myself whenever it happens... thank you Holy Spirit.
A caring person: I have been told by people after listening to them that I actually looked interested in what they had to say. I'm gonna go ahead and thank God for that and just say that I would rather be this kind of person than any other kind because it's a beautiful thing I want to see more in the world. There have been plenty of situations in which I wasn't interested or listening to someone else, and for those I apologize, but otherwise, I just enjoy being real and I am glad to have been a real listener for you.
In case you can't tell, I get off a lot to the idea that I'm not like everyone else, and that can be a good thing as long as I remember it's God's doing, not mine. I didn't knock on the uterine wall and say "hey yo make me a good listener and very artsy, sensitive like the ladies like" or whatever. I can't take credit for God's good handiwork. And I'm aware I'm messed up. But I'm glad I'm me because I'm content with who I am. Not that I'm a good person by my works, but I turned out alright, I mean come on, I love God, I don't want my old sinful life, and I'm musical, which is fun, and I am (thanks to my friends) very witty when I want to be. And I care about people. I can bring myself to tears very quickly when thinking about profound things that are true, which makes me a sensitive young man and therefore somewhat of a rebel. So this is kind of a pat on the back, but take it to be nothing more than that, because the truth is, God is to credit for ANYTHING I DO RIGHT because the Spirit's doing that through me and I am NOT the Spirit, haha.
The truth is, I am a very self-critical person. To write the previous paragraph did not come easy, because I don't give myself credit for lots of things. Pride isn't necessarily a bad thing, but what you're proud of. I'm proud of the things that make me more like my Father. Not that I could EVER be Him.
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