We think we got it.

Young men know their strength... but do they know their weaknesses? Do we check ourselves to know where we will fail? Self-honesty is a rare thing.

Merry Christmas!!!

Whether you are of age or not, I hope all of you have a magical time focusing on Christ and having a real, new refreshed sense of that undeserved gift this Christmas. May all other treasures pale in comparison, to where you realize they are loss compared to Christ. This isn't a time for idolizing presents and goodies... but a time for treasuring the One gift that can't be refunded, can't be avoided... once He's given it, it's yours to stay. Not like Heineken and Coca Cola. They'll fill you up and wait- leave you down. But Christ never does. He is ALWAYS there... even when you don't feel like He is. And suffering always has a good purpose... Romans 8:28.

So I toast to you. Enjoy Christ, and everything else follows. The sinful desires fade and the righteous ones arise. I'm speaking from experience.

A new way to look at Depression

This is a very enlightening way to look at depression. It's not just a physiological issue, or a social problem, or a spiritually-derived flaw. Those domains are woven together in people.

http://jdgreear.typepad.com/my_weblog/2009/12/ask-anything-friday-depression-and-mental-illness.html

I'm going to quote here...

"Depression is smoke from the fire of the altar at which you worship. Anger, depression, jealousy, etc can be helpful messengers pointing you to where idolatry exists in your life. Don't simply wave away the smoke by medicating yourself. Use depression to get to the root of the issue and correct what is dysfunctional in your relationship to God."

So true. And I'm glad that someone else agrees that sometimes these things can actually help. Not that I like depression at all, but when it arises, I know that there's a "heart" problem I need to trust God more with. Not work on. Cause I can't work my way out of this pit.

Worshiping Twilight

In the song "In the Bleak Midwinter", the last verse says "What then can I give him, poor as I am?.....I must give my heart." If you give your heart to someone or something, it's kind of a big deal... right? What does it mean to give your heart?

There's a fine line between being a fan of something and worshiping it. Church didn't tell you that, growing up... and that "having no gods before me" is talking about this very thing. We don't make golden statues anymore, people... we have actors, famous people, sports teams, sex... but none of it should take God's place in your heart for what you care about most.

This isn't a go hard or go home spill... I just want people to question themselves as to what they really love most. I'm worried about how "Christians" can buy a movie ticket 5 times, spending over 40 bucks, and then won't give that much (if anything) in church or to ministry etc. I want us to see where our priorities really are in terms of what we can give.

I've seen people type and say things that lead me to believe that what really makes them go crazy is sex, appearance, hype and fantasy... rather than God. They say they're Christians, and only God knows their heart... but there's a difference between holding someone accountable and judging. I'm holding people accountable. And perhaps if I care about them enough, I should take the next step and talk to them about it. My ears are being opened to God as I'm typing this.

Yes, you can love a movie. You can really be fascinated by it. But you should know that if you're gonna roll with Christ and hoist his flag, you better not be caught centering your life around something else... or making your outward face an expression of how much you love an idol. You publicize your love for sexy characters and romance, but do you publicize your love for God? Which really matters to you? If God is as incredible as you claim to believe, then why are you not behaving as if He is?

So I challenge you… decide whether or not you're following Jesus... or just networking.

Calling all ladies

I bet if we said Luke Perry wrote the Gospel of Luke, more ladies would read the Bible.

Targeting men would be a bit harder. I don't know of a hott Esther...

The Lord is a WARRIOR, the LORD is His name.

Jesus: "Do you think I have come to bring peace to the earth? No, I have come to bring strife and division! From now on families will be split apart, three in favor of me, and two against... or the other way around!"

God stands for solace and good, yes, but what is truly good is not always peaceful. Sometimes it requires action and a bloody lip. And sometimes it requires standing up for your beliefs even if your family or friends think you're an idiot.

How I'm doing

Hey. This week has been restorative for me, personally... though not as intensely restorative as it should have been. I haven't been putting all my heart into prayer. But I have been making an effort to honestly talk to God. Part of my problem is I don't let myself feel His love... it feels like I'm cheating Jesus, cheating God... taking something I didn't earn or deserve. It really feels wrong. I guess it should... considering I really don't deserve it. I think I'm beginning to understand the real gospel now... how this grace is undeserved and unwarranted and that my efforts will never make me any better than the sorriest son of a dog anywhere... sin is sin and God's never cool with it.

Sometimes when I write, it has the effect of making me feel good about myself... that I'm creative and sound spiritual to others. Pride is a very dangerous thing, and I pray right now that if I have any intent here to win your favor with my words and intellect, that God would crush it now.

Just know that I'm feeling better. Pray that I love Christ and want Him more than anything else... please.

Thanks for reading

Hey I hear about more and more people reading my blog, which I want to thank you guys for. Thank you first and foremost because I do it so people will read it and idk, I just like sharing stuff. You've noticed by now, some posts refer to spiritual topics, some refer to how I'm doing, and some are poems, and some are random thoughts. I'm a little weird. But I mean, it's me and I wouldn't change that at all. So thanks for enjoying it. -G

What cannot be perceived is hidden. Everyone has wounds... things we need to work on and so forth.

Same difference.

In old testament times it was called "worshiping Baal", a name the Bible reserves for any number of sex gods. In modern times it's called looking at porn. You look at the image, you place it on the pedestal of your heart. It owns you. Kind of ironic that back then, they were bold enough to come out and call it a god. It's like we're not as smart as they were.

Down to earth

Just to let you know a bit about my life right now, I work an average of 4 days a week, and some days more than 6 hours. It's been hell for my school and grades and I feel almost as if it's hurt my relationship with Christ because I put so much energy in the other things that success seems to have come knocking on my door with a paycheck in hand, and I kinda feel like... what do I need Christ for? (This is why I'm so afraid of wealth... I KNOW I'll be smugly satisfied without Christ). That's the heartbreaking thing about it. I know I need him more than anything, and I'm trying to hold onto that, but dang it's like for practical purposes I have it made. I hope that I don't need to have God take away my job just so that I can refocus... but I know he will if I keep ignoring him, and it'll be just what I need. I've been so bland lately. Salt that's lost its flavor... I mean, I do have spiritual conversations sometimes which is always rewarding, but... I don't know. Something's missing. I just don't feel like my treasure is Christ... I feel so distant. I'm open to suggestions because it hurts to realize this about myself.

I will say this... I worship myself a lot. My looks, my social life, etc. I'm trying hard to reverse this.

Don't trust feel-good gospel

Micah 2:11

Suppose a prophet full of lies were to say to you, "I'll preach to you the joys of wine and drink!" That's just the kind of prophet you would like!

_____________________________________

I can see us also substituting "wealth and money" in these quotes.

Inspired by "Savior" by electro-pop group "Lights"

Lulled asleep in my ignorance, a spark awakes
In my mind, beneath the armour plates
Of my heart. And I remember my passion,
My worldess, undescribed yearning,
Inevitible like gravity as it pulls on my heart
I would bleed to serve this purpose,
I would give my life like in the books
And the movies
And the tales of passion and glory and romance and destruction

Remember the times you felt overwhelmed?
Remember the way your heart breaks
When you remember what you're fighting for
And though it's broken, it's actually stronger than ever
Your heart: it moves you. It pulls you. It bends you
Until you think you shall break like a twig.
And you, a twig, remain. But you are a twig
In the hands of Someone
More wonderful than you could possibly imagine.
And He's making something with you
That you could never understand.

I just want to be so much and so free
And to stand on the unreachable cliffs and peaks
And throw off the lock and the chains
And run screaming through the rain
In free-ness and liberation
In glorious exultation

I want to see, I want to live
I want to always be ready to give.

Gonna crack on Joel Osteen for a second

The following is an excerpt from a page about Joel Osteen's new book. I caught a few things in here that ARE NOT really scriptural. Tell me what you think, I'm hoping for some discussion. Problem areas are in yellow text. Here's the link:

http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Its-Your-Time/Joel-Osteen/e/9781439100110/?cds2Pid=31659

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It's Your Time: Activate Your Faith, Achieve Your Dreams, and Increase in God's Favor

Get your hopes up. Raise your expectations. Your best days are in front of you.

In challenging times, it may be hard to see better days ahead. You may feel as though your struggles will never end, that things won't ever turn around for you.

This is exactly the moment to put your faith into action and expect God's blessings.

It's your time to declare your faith, to look for God's favor, and to give control of your life to Him so that you can find fulfillment in His plans for you!

It's Your Time to believe.

It's not easy to always be optimistic. Life can be difficult, and in hard economic times it's not just your finances that suffer. Your relationships can be strained. Your health can be stressed. Bad habits can return and negative thoughts can take over.

When one part of your life after another takes a bad turn, you can feel like there is no end in sight, no way out. The truth is, maybe you don't have an answer. But God does! Maybe you don't have the strength. But God does!

It's Your Time for favor.

In It's Your Time, bestselling author Joel Osteen, pastor of the nation's largest church, offers the inspirational truth that no matter where you stand in life, you are never alone. He reminds you also that the bigger your burden, the greater your blessings to come.

You may have neglected God, but He has not abandoned you. He has already released good things into your future. As long as you're breathing, you can still reclaim His favor by renewing your faith and accepting His plans for you.

It's Your Time for restoration.

In these pages, Joel offers assurances that God does not want you to merely survive challenging times, He wants you to thrive. When you give your life over to Him, God will send opportunities your way so that you can soar to new heights of fulfillment.

History has shown that the most difficult times can serve as catalysts for creativity, innovation, and accomplishment. If you hold on to your faith, ask for God's favor, and don't give in to depression or discouragement, you will emerge not bitter but better, not a victim but a victor.

It's Your Time to trust.

God already is working in your life to arrange the right people, the right skills, and the right opportunities to give you the tools you need to fulfill and exceed your dreams.

Drawing from Joel's experiences and those of people around the world, It's Your Time offers messages of faith, hope, and strength to help you rise above any circumstance so that you can fulfill God's best plan for your life.

It's Your Time to stretch.

Joel has filled this book with bold new prayers, inspiring stories, and practical tools for moving forward in faith. You will find inspiration from others who have overcome adversity and achieved their dreams. You will find proven methods for not just picking up the pieces but for building a new life better than you'd imagined.

The hopeful messages and warm encouragements in this book will push you to expand your horizons beyond what you thought you were capable of doing so that you might go even farther than you'd ever dreamed of going.
_____________________________________________

I think what jumps out at me the most is the idea of "increasing in God's favor" being paired with the idea of increased financial wealth and security. Jesus didn't come for us to have financial security... read Luke 12: 13-21.

Either you're in favor with God or you're not. Either you've accepted Christ and become a God-lover who struggles with sin, or you are a sinner who struggles with sin. And as for the accumulation of wealth, there is no individualism in the kingdom of Heaven, no room for you putting yourself first. There is no way to earn God's favor by what you do (except by accepting Jesus into your heart). Isn't it ironic that you never hear Joel talk about Jesus as being the one thing you need? Isn't it ironic that what he emphasizes as your worst possible predicament is not sin itself, but monetary mediocrity?

Jesus didn't come to create a nation of close minded churchy people. We burn to share our joy with others who're out in the cold.

Me: 'Is that a chick driving that Cougar?' 'It is a chicky chiiiick chiiiiiiick' -Matt

THE BURNING HELL

So yeah. The sermon on Hell was really good and I enjoyed the beginning video. I will say that I definitely didn't process it like you guys did at small group, though. Very good points you had.

I think if we really believed in Hell, we would act more out of compassion than obligation.

Back in my early days, I had a belief in God, but was that belief in His existence enough? No. Similarly, just because I believe factually that there is a Hell, that doesn't mean this weak grasp of a distant concept was enough to convict me of just what it is and HOW I should live as a result. I think I need to dive into this concept more and explore it instead of tucking it into the back of my mind where I put all the bad things about myself.

NOTICE ONE MISCONCEPTION in the above pro King-James pamphlet. Satan is standing by, dominating the scene cause he's bigger than the other people, and he's obviously not in pain. This is NOT true or Biblical. Satan right now is on earth, and he will one day be cast into Hell, which is run by God, not Satan. Hell was prepared specifically for Satan and his angels (Matthew 25:41).

So when you listen to the song American Pie, remember that Satan won't be "laughing with delight" and it's a lie that "fire is the devil's only friend".

In everything you do, be real. I go to church listening to Billy Joel in the car.

On tenth. This marks the first time i've ever seen a black person run across the street!

Doing great, thanks to God

Just wanna say that God has really done so much for me this summer and I've changed a lot. I realize where I need to change and I've let go of my past relationships, which is absolutely unheard of for me. I'm learning that everything but Christ is basically crap. And that's a scriptural notion. All else is loss compared to Christ. Living is for Christ, but dying is even better, in the words of Paul. I have doubted my salvation lately, and that I'm even chosen, but I can look and see how my life has changed and how my feelings for girls don't bind me like chains anymore, so I know I'm saved. That was a miraculous difference for me.

Thanks for reading, thanks for commenting, thanks for giving me reason to keep reflecting online on what God teaches me week by week. I suck as a person, I'm messed up, I give people the cold shoulder and don't talk to some but others I just pour my time into. I'm not even going to apologize yet because that would be dishonest. I'm not sorry. But I know that Christ will change my heart and I will be sorry. And then I will seek you out and treat all of you equally instead of ignoring some and favoring others.

I just want you to think about one thing this week. And sunday is the beginning of the week, not monday. Think about this, it's based on Luke 15:26. In whatever you do, as soon as you wake up till the minute your eyes close at night, does what you're doing say that you love Christ more than anything?

Fall Break beach trip

SUP dudes and dudettes! I'm feelin' good, just finished a short week, short as in 3 days. Check out my facebook album from Fall break. Got some cool pictures of waves and babes (actually just men, pretty much, aw...) Well, anyway. It was good getting away, and it was warm and beautiful.

As for today I had a fabulous quiet time with God in the morning and I just felt all smiles. Feeling good now, I just need to fix my gaze on Christ, not girls. I'm getting distracted and Christ deserves my strength. Gonna read some Romans... the deep stuff. Get ready for some crazy videos from me and Matt Warnick. Be checkin facebook over the next few days.

Does being good help you?

I started to type about my everyday life, but I'd rather not, that's been quite dull.

Historically I've made a god out of women. Recently though, I've begun to shift my focus and understand a few things about myself. I've realized that there is nothing about a woman that can save me from my malfunctional self. I've also realized that the reason I do good things is not because it makes me better, but because it glorifies Christ. Christ is glorious, but as for me, I am dust. I'm gonna talk about this topic, not women.

As for the part about doing good things, I've seen people get puffed up and broken down many times, including myself. I think that in a performance-oriented, individualistic society, it's nearly impossible to avoid thinking about life in terms of me, my struggles, my needs. Can a bent tree simply grow straight? We'll always deal with it.

I want to caution us, and to challenge us, that we will not count ourselves any better (or give ourselves any credit) for doing the right things. That's where the cycle starts... the cycle of works-righteousness. People give themselves credit.

It starts when you stand up and say no to porn, or when as an anorexic you deny that dessert at a restaurant, or when you stop your tongue from saying something crude. You feel good about the fact that you caught your sin between the hammer and the anvil, and dang, it feels good. That's it right there... the credit you give yourself.

That's not counting all else as loss. That's not self-denial for the sake of Jesus.

So what happens after this? The porn addict feels good he's not done it, and because of his pride that accumulates over days, he is deceived, and he slips back into his habits because he feels he can "afford just one more time." As for the anorexic, she feels good about not having that chocolate cake at Olive Garden (idk, do they have chocolate cake?), so she prides herself in it. The next day when she's hungry, she feels bad when she compares herself to her "better" image a few days before, when she "won" and did what was "righteous", by not eating the cake (so not surprisingly, she doesn't want to eat). As for the one who shuts herself up right before gossiping about her messed-up ex, she feels better about herself because like the porn addict & anorexic, she thinks, "Hey! I'd be worse if I'd done it! That's one step closer to heaven and I can put a hop and skip in my step today."

This is idolatry.

The porn addict worships (well, obviously, porn). But he also worships himself as his own higher power. That's why he elevates himself as a result of triumphing over his addiction. So God hands him back over to it until he finally learns, many emotional scars of guilt later. His emotional self-worth is loss compared to Christ.

The anorexic worships control. She worships image as well. Which is why she measures her worth, her righteousness, by how she looks (or for that matter, how she thinks she looks). And no regard is given to the health of her soul. Only her body. So God hands her over to her vicious cycle until she learns that everything, even self-image and control of our lives, are loss compared to Christ.

The one with the slippery tongue worships pride. That was the reason for both her urge to gossip, AND her urge to shut up. Her control over her behavior only served the same goal... to feel better about herself and better than her ex. Although she has a healthy understanding that her ex was a jerk, what she doesn't understand is that she's just as sinful, so God lets her cycle of guilt and anger continue. She doesn't know her pride is nothing compared to Christ.

Let us not think that what we do will help us at all. Let us not think that anything about us will make us any better. I can say this a thousand times, but if you don't understand, it won't help. Going to Bible study will not make you "closer to God". Neither will going to Church or listening to your favorite Christian songs instead of awkward new songs you don't know.

What makes you and me "good", at all, is what Christ did for us filthy sinners. We have loved everything BUT our rightful companion, Christ, and in so doing, we are whores. Ezekiel 6:9.

This is the "electricity" that keeps the Gospel charged and amazing. The utter messed-up-ness of man and woman, and the utterly undeserved grace of God through Christ.

There is absolutely no place in Heaven for proud Christians.

What's the goal of a good church?

Today was great. I took my little brother to a Christian concert for 92.7 FM. James Gray, Addison Road, and Sanctus Real all played shows. It ran really long... We got there at 6:15 and we left around 11:05. It was SUCH a good concert... the music quality was awesome, stagelights and LED racks were beautiful. What delighted me most was the key ingredient... the Gospel. I was hoping they would be truly Christian bands and they were. Hopefully the people there who looked dead were just being challenged at heart and they didn't feel too great. I pray that God opens their eyes and convicts them of a fresh, wonderful reality in which they're free to serve Christ and discover more of Him each day.

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I ran across an upsetting book in Barnes and Noble once. On the back cover it read something like this... and keep in mind, it's targeting elderly individuals...

"Has your church taken a turn for the modern? Has your choir been replaced by a new, flashy praise band?" It proceeded to criticize modern church services as generally being silly, irrelevant, and shallow. It disturbed me because although sometimes this may be true, there are a lot of valid churches out there that serve Christ lovingly and passionately. I don't think the writers of this book understood that the "contemporary face" we put on our church services is more than a face. It's a tool. What's our mission? I present the Gospel and develop Christ-centered individuals.

I think the goal of a good church is just that. To present the Gospel. I grew up attending a sleepy Methodist service that talked a lot about parables and how good of a guy Jesus was, and occasionally I was challenged. I can tell you that when I started praying and self-examining in college and maybe late high school, I felt like their services spoke to me. BUT this church did not influence me enough to give me an epiphany and start loving Christ. I credit Campus Crusade with that, and I credit God for making me miserable and creating a drive in me to find a way out through Him. My point is that you need to present the Gospel to win people over. I don't think the point of church is to simply keep the organization's head above the water financially and keep holding on while maintaining tradition. I think the point of church is to, with our blood and tears and sweat, start a revolution in our communities with hearts that love Christ.

Things you need to emphasize if you're going to present the Gospel:

-We are utterly sinful.
-All sin has the effect of earning us death, so all sin is equal in its final effect. In other words, no one is worse or better than you, because we all equally deserve Hell. That's what makes Christ's deed understandably so glorious.
-Sin is not just what we do... it's also the state we're designed in (we normally want anything more than God, so we're all idolaters, from which all sin comes).
-God's grace is more powerful than your sin.
-We cannot earn our salvation. If you try to earn it, you're putting yourself in Christ's place, who bought it for you. Nothing you can do can make you pure like God. By nature, you're not.
-It's not about you. God loves you, but if you make your life about you, you'll idolize yourself and lose sight of the fact that throughout Scripture, God is all about God. It's all about bringing praise back to Him because that's what you should want.

And one more thing. This is ruining the contemporary church and we need to understand this.

Worship is NOT:
a setting
a praise band or music
bowing to a statue

Worship IS:
in any and every situation, you value God's desires first. They become your desires and you hold Him most precious. Therefore you can play basketball to the glory of God by evangelizing to players, drink orange juice to the glory of God by thanking Him you can afford healthy food, or whatever. It's any choice you make to treasure God, Christ, in your heart.

So don't think that when you praise God while your band plays, that you're getting your worship time in for the week. Because everything in creation was created for Christ, if you interact with something in a way that disagrees with or says nothing about God, you're not worshipping. You're committing idolatry and breaking the first two commandments. Worship is demanded of us all the time. Every last baby moment we possess is God's.
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I haven't blogged in a while... you gotta expect me to dump a heavy one! And the clock's a filthy liar... it's 4:30 AM and I'm just finishing this. -G

Riding the "Single" Train

Lately I've come to the conclusion I'm going to have to ignore the idea of getting in a relationship right now. I have a lot in my past I need to face before I do. I have a lot of lies I believe about myself that keep me from making good, stable decisions about life and about my girl.

Here's a story that really sealed the deal for me. My counselor told me this.

"One day a dude decided he needed to stop dating cause it was just fraught with problems. He prayed that God would show him an answer to his relationship problems. He was reading Genesis one day when it was talking about God making Eve. It said that God put Adam to sleep while God formed his mate. He realized this was analagous to himself and he prayed that God would put him to sleep while he got his life straight. He still talked to girls and stuff but not in a romantic way at all. He fell asleep to that. A spell of time later, he was reading Romans when it said "and now is the time you shall awake from your slumber." He was good friends with this young woman he was working with doing ministry and he started going out with her after reading that... they've been married like 8 years now and have several kids."

I just want peace. I want to be calm at heart until I find my wife. I don't want to make my wife my ultimate destination because then I'll just get there and then be like "now what?" I just want it off my mind. I'm as straight as an arrow and I love women, or should I say... I love woman (in that I'm a one-girl man)..... but I sure don't need one right now. I need to strengthen my resolve to lean on God... not her. I cannot make her my idol anymore. I used to, and still do. I need to stop. My heart latches on and burns its own fuel out in a matter of weeks. Right now I'm a sinking ship, a cup with holes. I think the words from this Norah Jones song "Not Too Late" describe me right now:

'Cause my heart is full of no blood,
My cup is full of no love,
Couldn't take another sip even if I wanted it.

I could get in a relationship if I wanted it. But I have nothing left to give. I mean, what do I have? I have myself, that's it. And right now, I'm not fit as a gift because my heart is still somewhat broken. I can't love anyone the way they deserve, right now.

One day it'll change. But it seems far off.

Sad day for ECU. We definitely weren't using both of our balls on this one. Good defense at times, but patchy.

A monumental day

I went to my counselor today and it's not traditional counseling, it involves a lot of prayer and even some invoking of God's power to cleanse me of unclean things that permeate my mind. I dove into my past and painful memories as a kid and I actually resolved, I think, a lot of the anger that I defensively draw on. It's not pretty anger, I can tell you that. It's pretty ugly. It never feels like it's a part of me... it feels like it's not really mine cause it's so wild and misproportionate. But anyway, she rebuked it and I definitely had trouble letting go but after a couple times doing that, I broke and I definitely felt like a weight was lifted off... I started laughing amid my tears. It was a catharsis of my soul. Thanks to God for the help and love I've found. Now the anger has lost its stronghold in my heart and I'm free! I'll still have anger, sure, but what's different now is that for the first time I have been able to let go of it even though I feel defenseless without it. I exchanged my angry strength with Christ's quiet strength.

A sexual misconception

I was on a Boy Scout camping trip once and I overheard two boys talking.

Boy 1: Man, it would SUCK to be addicted to masturbating.

Boy 2: NO it WOULDN'T! (spoken harshly)

Now Boy 2 was a bit older. But he wouldn't have known how wrong he was yet... he was only in 8th or 9th grade, tops. Boy 1 was a couple years younger. It's just sad how people believe you "can't get too much of a good thing." I'm sure that by now, Boy 2 is struggling with sexual addiction and is in deep. God knows how Boy 1 is doing... I hope he still has a seed of clarity in his thought, like he did back then.

I hope passionately that God blasts us with new understanding and enlightenment so that we can discover how simply loving Christ will conquer a love for anything else. I feel like I'm on the brink of something huge and that God will rock my world in important ways very soon, and it will definitely leave me stronger.

no internet

Havent had internet at the apartment since last tuesday. Been moochin off bojays. It's helped with my tendency to obsessively check facebook though.

SEXXXXXXXXX (got your attention)

Hi! We're doing a series on sex at Discovery Church! You should come. *sounds as preppy as possible*. Anyway, sex is a serious topic, and I think you'll hear some opinions you've never heard. This isn't going to be your normal talk about sex... which is little more than a joke.

You'll have to excuse how easily I talk about sex... I'm a psychology major. We get used to it.

Seems like sex has been the topic of my life the past couple days. Just in hearing about the upcoming series, and in things I've heard people say. And yes, I will admit, it is in my desires, as anyone reading this can identify with on their own. Let me just say that desires ARE GOOOOOD. Bodies are GOOD too. God called them good, just read Genesis.

I want to write about sex tonight because I learned several good points from a book I'm finally reading. I bought it in December of 2007... it's called real SEX, by Lauren Winner. She spoke at Winter Conference with Crusade, where I bought it. I wanna quote just a little bit of it. There are lots of ways in which we can live wrongly in our bodies.

"Catholic novelist Walker Percy often took latter-day Gnosticism as his theme. He suggested that our failure to live well in our bodies manifests itself in two ways (manifestations that may be in tension with one another but that are not mutually exclusive). Either we live as angels, as though we don't have bodies, or we live as beasts, as if bodies are all there is. In either scenario, we witness the 'trivialization of the erotic by its demotion to yet another technique and need satisfaction of the organism.'"

Ok. What she's saying here is this. Both of these ways are mistakes as Christians. We can either live as slaves to our sexuality, as if that's the only influence on us, OR we can be cold, frigid people who have tried so hard to suppress our sexuality that we actually have trouble saying YES to sex after we're married. You might associate the former example with males. Our culture associates males with sex drives and it associates women with the latter example... cold and generally unmotivated by sexual desire. But both genders can technically fulfill both examples. You can have a male (defying the stereotype) who thinks his body is bad and ends up never really embracing himself for who he is... he lives as a tame nice guy who never learns that sex is rightfully his quest (in the proper context). Or you can have a female who (defying the stereotype) sleeps with anything that moves.

Too long have we had only two examples of attitudes about sex. They are hedonism and obliteration, according to Winner. Hedonism says that it's only for fun, no consequences, it's none of your business, and its worth is measured only by the strength of the orgasm. Obliteration says that every trace of sex should be wiped out so that it's hidden and no one talks about it because sex is bad and bodies/desires are bad things worthy of being "stamped out of existence."

Between them, in the middle, is discipline. Sex is good. Bodies are good. Desires are good things too. Stop being sorry for the way God made you, and simply start asking Him to satisfy you rightly so you don't keep looking to other things to do that. Sex is a communal thing that we hold each other accountable for... not just a selfish exchange between two people focusing on physical passion which isn't always there (just ask yourself how turned on you feel after Monday classes or work). It is our business as a community because your joys are my joys and your pain is my pain and your sin can very quickly become my sin. Love bears and endures all things, it's part of sex and vice versa. It exists on the rainy days, on the hard days. On the days when you come in dripping with sweat from taking your kid to soccer practice and you're feeling worked, but your honey puts his/her arm around you and gives you a wink like in the Cialis commercial and off you go. It's in the heartache, the tension of your kid not turning out to be quite the Christian kid you wanted. It's in everything. It is OK for sex not to be stellar all the time. It is OK for it to be awkward.

I'm beginning to realize just how important finding the right girl is. I'm mostly at peace with my past relationships. Right now I'm realizing that I shouldn't be trying to be buddy buddy with my latest one, but instead move on in the direction of being single and happy.

How the heck do we do that anyway? Here's how. I'm not praying anymore for God to give me what I want (happiness, a girl, whatever), but now I'm asking for Him to simply help me enjoy Him. We end up desiring what we want more than we actually desire God. I've actually found a lot of contentment the past week while doing this. It feels like I have a refuge.

But believe me, if I don't die first, I WILL someday get married. God puts desires in our hearts because He wants us to find the way of satisfying them that glorifies Him. God is all about God. And He does answer prayers. But only the sincere ones that are for Him, not us.

We're at da beeeach mon

Mom, Sabrina, grandad Jim
~
Went to the beach Sunday. Weather wasn't too pretty but I had fun seeing my family. Family from Boone, NC came over and stayed a couple days and I dropped in with my friends Matt and Jessica and hung out. Wrestled Matt in the ocean, it was pretty funny. Not as fun as with 6 guys though. Not nearly as free-for-all and crazy. Got to play some folk stuff on guitar with my uncle Michael while cellist Dylan and fiddler Sierra sat by. I miss my family... I'm definitely gonna visit. -G

I'm the only guy here at the Sunchase pool... and it's amazing!

Adjusting my ego

______________________
15 things I like about me

kind
witty
loyal
smart
artistic
mellow
flexible
musical
creative
thoughtful
imaginative
compassionate
handy with tools
love the outdoors
haven't had sex (if I had, I'd be WAY more unstable)
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15 things I'm thankful I have

car
piano
camera
computer
apartment
my parents
my brothers
my chiropractor
Trinity, salvation
clothes I enjoy wearing
not a ton of $ but enough
summer project experience
a church that actually interests me
beautiful girls, they make my day when they smile
guy friends who aren't douchebags but actually care
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15 things about me that need work

lust
pride
jealousy
selfishness
desiring God
time management
eating cheap and well
stop ignoring my future
taking care of my body
abandoning my grandparents
forgetting my younger brothers who need me
not praising my parents and building them up
more quality time/fun with family and close friends
being cold and joking about those who really need my help
seeing my and others' problems from only one point of view

~

Feel free to say something if you want. I'm trying to just reflect on who I am and hopefully bring about a little humility and help stabilize my self-concept. Lemme know what you think. -G

My life right now

Today I met and talked with two really good friends I'd trust with anything. They mean so much to me... we all feel lost or at least I do about what to do about a career and a future and direction. Life just has been getting us down and it's a whole lot more than that but it's not just a phase it's more like a maze and we can't seem to get out or every time we do we just get pulled back in. I don't know.

I'm just not happy lately. I can't pretend that I am. I mean, sometimes I really am! But not all the time. I feel like a lot of Christians advertise that it should be that way, that life should be great and if it's not then something must be wrong with you. And that when someone's down, you should slap em with a helpful comment like "I'll pray for you" as if that comment's enough.

I usually label myself as depressed. Every time I do though, it's always because at that moment it feels better to feel sorry for myself and call myself that. That way I get a label that gives me sympathy. But the truth is that I can always trace it back to some life situation that needs to be given to Christ or some thought pattern that is not "fixing our eyes on heavenly things" as is recommended in Scripture. Like ruminating on a girl I lost.

So what I'm going to do is this. I'm not going to call myself depressed. I'm not saying I won't seek medication or that it's wrong. But as soon as I say that I'm depressed, I'm affixing on myself a permanent stamp and makes me feel worse.

I don't know if I'll always struggle this hard or not. But the point is, do I want God to let me out of this prison so I can enjoy my life and get what I want (happiness)? Or do I really just want the genuine company of God, even if it means being depressed and never being happy again?

I'm not going to ask that God take it away. I'm not going to cry for relief like a spiritual baby. I've been around, I know it's time to grow and I feel the growing pains emotionally. Instead, I want, as I always have, to seek something radical and different. What I'm NOT going to do is renew my strength with a religious experience and burn out a week later. What I AM going to do is seek the company of God and delight in Him instead of trying to just get what I want and be happy. And I may have to withdraw. I missed small group tonight so I could have a chance to talk. Besides, it's not good to bring a bad attitude into a meeting. I went to church this morning and everyone was like "dude, you ok?" One guy said hey to me and just walked off after that cause he knew I wasn't ok. It wasn't a good situation to be in. As it was, I learned from the sermon and got to talk with a few friends about it which helped.

I'm just ready to pick a side on this. Do I see myself as permanently depressed or do I see it as situational? Am I going to be broken in such a way that I'm begging to be fixed, or am I going to be content in my discontent, knowing God is enough?

What is this "sin" thing?

JEREMIAHHHH WUZZ A BULLLFRAAWWWG...

Jeremiah 30: 12-15 says this:

12"This is what the Lord says: Yours is an incurable bruise, a terrible wound. 13There is no one to help you or bind up your injury. You are beyond the help of any medicine. 14All your allies have left you and do not care about you anymore. I have wounded you cruelly, as though I were your enemy. For your sins are many, and your guilt is great. 15Why do you protest your punishment - this wound that has no cure? I have had to punish you because your sins are many and your guilt is great."

This explains this whole "sin" thing very well. Here are the core bullets behind what he's saying. Sin is:

-incurable
-we have no help
+because no one cares
+and because no one CAN help.
+therefore we are alone and isolated, except for God
-our sin makes us deserving of punishment
+because the wages of sin is death.

No one can influence your soul but God, because we're isolated like I said above. Christ stood by who He said He was, so that you might believe in what He said. He took His claim to the grave with Him. The magnitude of the claim is such that you cannot afford to ignore it. If you don't believe Christ is the Son of God, then you had better be 100% sure that He doesn't exist before you say that. The magnitude of the claim is huge! I'm quoting Tim Keller here.

Today is The Day

Today is the day. The first Crusade meeting. Because of the number of contacts collected, we're going to have a room that is filled to overflowing. The regular upperclassmen attending may not even be able to fit inside because of all the new freshmen. I hope that God brings in a net full of such fish, overflowing with them.

Pray this with me please, for the sake of us being used to spread Christ's kingdom:

Dad, we've got a lot of new people here, people with traumas and issues and strengths and weaknesses. They're not just souls, they're beings with stories. Tonight they're coming to Crusade not really knowing what to expect. God, we want so bad to reflect Your blazing glory to them so that they come back wanting more. Season our conversation with salt (grace) so that they come back thirsty, thirsty for the living Water of your Word. I pray that no matter which ministry they settle down in, if at all, that you work in their hearts. Your kingdom is invincible, and the war has already been won. The winner is predetermined, and it's You. So help us to remember we work for the Victor and we live and breathe heavenly success. I want these men to know that there is more out there for them than a stinking paycheck and a beautiful woman. And I want the women to know that they don't have to spend their college years trying to find acceptance and beauty in temporary things. Turn the rusty gears of spiritual development here and teach us to voluntarily oil them every day. Send a sturdy and confident band of angels to free these freshmens' minds up so they're not being distracted by the glitz of Satan... for one hour tonight. We believe in Your power, and our faith helps us know your angels exist and are fighting for us in real life tonight. We're all working together and all honored to be Your children. Thank you for being who You are. Bless your Crusade you've called together, and please, my Lord and Savior, make our behavior beautiful so they only see the truth about You.

AMEN.

P.S.: Steve from Discovery calls God "Dad" and I kinda liked that. -G

Burn with me!

Don't settle for less. Don't shy away from God's calling, which quite possibly is going to be hard for you. You will be rewarded beyond what you can imagine, whether in this life or the next. Don't think your judgment is inherently right. Put no confidence in human understanding, and instead fix your eyes on heavenly things. Put no faith in humans, for their word is useless. Challenge yourself to grow and stop quibbling about the wounds you have suffered at the hands of your friends and associates. Don't be surprised they have failed you and have messed up in the most inconvenient way possible and alienating people. Only Christ is your friend, and your love for Him should make your love for anything else look like neglect and hate. Read this poem I wrote:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Burn with a passion, with fierce delight!
With knowledge, conviction we'll stand in the night
And though we doth bleed from gash and from wound
Never again will we be marooned.

You've heard it before, I dare say, and I do!
But nevertheless I say it to you
For some have lost vision and lowered their gaze
From excellent goals that don't cease to amaze.

They prefer to collapse under pressure and scorn
And turn from a challenge, but still they feel torn.
They have lost the thrill of losing it all...
They say they're for Christ, but they've hit a wall.

Is it not hardship that makes us strong?
Isn't it tests that prod us along?
We learn when we do what we think we cannot
When the burden is heavy, ask for more on the spot! -G

War... is it the problem, or only a symptom?

I just realized something, We hope for world peace but it's def not gonna happen until the spiritual wars causing it all have ceased. People will not have peace inside until the spiritual realm has run its course and the end of Time comes. Nothing will change until then. What we see happening is a result of what is going on spiritually within their souls. Islam is the peak of human self-righteousness because it provides a way through which we can get to God by what we do. That's just one example, and it leads to Jihad. I haven't read the Koran, but I'm guessing that the Muslims who don't practice Jihad simply are the Muslim equivalent of lukewarm Christians.

OAR paddleshow in Cary, NC

Saw OAR in Cary, NC... Awesome show, but the stiff crowd sucked! I'd rather have potheads, at least they'd enjoy the show!

Fish in the Sea

When it comes to girls,

Sure there are plenty of fish in the sea.

But... a lot of them are piranhas.

I think I'm going for a nice dolphin, myself. I don't know about you.

I salute you, my friends

Hi, I just want to say that though I'm not feeling 100%, or even 50%, I appreciate you praying for me. Many of you know I've been struggling with feelings of depression and have offered consolation to me, if even via text. I just want to say that I'm hanging in there but only because of two things... (1) I want to live long enough to have a wife and experience love in that regard, and (2) because God keeps me alive and sustains me, his lost child. I've been wandering for some time now. Pray that I find my home in Christ the Rock. Pray that I can "walk on water" rather than feeling like I can barely keep my head above it. It is a very heavy feeling that weighs on me, and very dark. It is not all the time, but it is a threat. I'll keep you posted...

And thanks for complementing me on keeping my blog updated. I'm glad you've enjoyed reading it. The pleasure is mine. -G

Some people never change

My first ex-girlfriend texted me tonight and asked how I was.
____________________________________________

Her: Well helloooo
Me: Hey how're you
Her: Doing fine, how are you?
Me: working a lot, beach tomorrow with some friends
Her: That sounds good, ill have to go back to the beach once more b4 school
Me: You gotta love it
Her: Yes u do, are you done with school?
Me: one more semester, then maybe grad school
Her: Grad school for what?
Me: i was thinking marriage/family therapy but not sure. And my advisor doesn't tell me what to look ahead for so i'm figuring this stuff out on my own too late
Her: Haha yeah
Me: I think I missed the GRE deadline but not sure. My advisor won't respond to my email. So, screw it who cares. I'll figure it out
Her: Yep aint that the way. Word
Her: FYI: my 21st birthday party is this weekend and you're definitely not invited
Me: lol ok
Her: Also, have you ever been to blues night at tiebreakers in greenville?
Me: No
Her: Tuesdays starting at 9, i think u'd enjoy it and the place is smoke free :)
Me: Thanks
______________________________________

It normally would have bothered me, but I'm over this. I guess I'm blogging about it because of that reason. But can you believe what she said? That's so High School!

Backstory here: her last birthday which she invited me to, she acted all drunk and flirty with me and other people the whole time and I didn't like it. I had been trying to get over her. Considering that I was trying to do that, it was a really rude thing for her to do. So afterwards in no uncertain terms, I let her know I hated it. And since then she hasn't forgiven me for screwing up her birthday night. Not that I really care at all anymore.

BE DELICIOUS

Hey people, just wanted to say today was pretty stable, didn't feel too down. I was really busy. I pressure washed a shed, primed two chairs which took forever, spent time with the gramps, came to greenville, watched District 9 with friends, and talked with a friend until 2:30. Building rounds at the Tower are always a thrill. Anyway, this blog is about an ad I found tucked in my News and Observer I bought the other day cause it had a cool pic of marines on it. Here's the ad picture below.


Now I'm gonna relate this to Wild at Heart and just say something about women. Not all women are beauty-focused. Some are very performance/business-oriented. I think though, in their heart, deep down though buried, all women desire the desiring of their beauty. At least, that's in WAH (Wild at Heart). That is their innermost desire. Men desire to prove they are truly men, and competent; women desire to be sought and validated for how exotic and beautiful they are. I say exotic because women are the pinnacle of creation. They were made last. Creation got more complex, more beautiful as time went on. Man was God's last creation, but wait... then He made woman.

He made men and women in His image. This is not a physical image because God has no body. What we're talking about here is personality and heart. God is a warrior. "The Lord is a Warrior, the LORD is His name." He jealously fights for us throughout Time. But God also desires the pursuit and enjoyment of "His" own beauty. These two sentences represent the male and female attributes of God.

Now I'll explain the ad. "Be delicious." I have a bone to pick with the media and society... they make bucks by telling women this: "No, you're not good enough, but here's something that will make you beautiful." It's in makeup, perfumes, plastic surgery, clothes, purses, whatever. Accessorize right and you're suddenly a star for the day. But on your own, you're boring.

I just want to say that this is not wholesome. Girls grow up with this message and they become anorexic (you're not beautiful enough, lose weight) or they become so self-focused they turn into kissing queens and sex kittens (your beauty isn't worth anything unless you give it up to some dude).

Women, girls, listen up. You were made by the most beautiful being in the universe... God. And He considers you beautiful enough inside and out that He pursues you and wants you to live with Him forever. Now, a lotta guys only want it for a one-night stand. But God's not afraid of long-term commitment and He's not after your body. He wants your life, everything. Your beauty is not the sum of your hair or skin color. Neither is my strength the sum of my biceps. Your beauty is tied up in the fact that you are woman. A whoa-man! The last of creation. Nothing could be more breathtaking than being comfortable with who you naturally are.

So go ahead... "be delicious". But not by believing that something else can make you that way. Remember the seductive beauty in your heart as a woman, and know that God put it there because you are literally His best. Who can top that?

how I'm doing

I can't think about my depression without literally having my hands shake, I can't think happily about stuff I just can't but then it goes away and I can, it's unpredictable. I have to do something about this. There's just no friends who can help me by talking with me unless I'm there in person. I know God takes things away like girlfriend and money etc to keep you from getting distracted but this is extreme and how I'm taking it is too horribly

Simon Cowell's Success Marred By 'Dark Moods' And Depression

I'm posting this because this is weirdly just like what I go through. Also, the post date is my birthday. Weird.
_______________________________________

May 24th, 2009 12:30pm EDT

Simon Cowell can't fully enjoy his superstar lifestyle - he is cursed by "dark moods" which make him "totally miserable". The music mogul has experienced huge success throughout his career as an industry executive and TV personality, helping to mastermind small screen hits including American Idol, America's Got Talent and Britain's The X Factor.

And despite a life of luxury, with an estimated $180 million fortune, Cowell admits he is prone to bouts of depression and irritability that lead him to locking out all the people closest to him.

He tells Britain's Daily Mail, "If I went to a psychiatrist, it would be a long session. I've always thought that I do have a number of issues that probably need dealing with, because I am quite odd in some ways. I get very dark moods for no reason. Nothing in particular brings it on. You can be having the best time of your life and yet you're utterly and totally miserable. I get very anti-social, depressed and irritable with people. I don't have time for them. I can't make phone calls and stuff. I just sit on my own for days. I'm not sitting in a darkened room rocking. Things might have gone really well and then I torture myself. I cannot believe it. I have to find something to make me miserable.

"I get to points in my life where I sometimes think I'm never going to be happy. Someone said to me recently, 'You're like a human buffet table. Everyone comes and takes something from you and, at the end, there's nothing left.'"

____________________________________________________

I find benefit in self-disclosing that I struggle with this. It helps me relieve some tension. Mainly, though, I just think it'd be fitting to give you a picture of what it feels like for me. I actually heard this on the radio and googled it using some of the words I remembered. What sucks is, right as they were wrapping up this celeb gossip, they put on Pink's song about "you're hot and you're cold, you're yes and you're no"... as if not even the depressed are safe from the media pointing fingers and laughing.

Reflections in the night, poem.

If you know what this poem's about, don't take it too seriously. I was working through my feelings tonight and this is what came out of it. A walk through my feelings. Let me know what you think. I think it's very glorifying to God and not at all defined by misery because it points to how I focused on Him tonight and ended up calm and reassured in several ways. It helped me, as was its purpose.
____________________________________________________________


What makes me stand, what makes me fall?
What makes me continue to give it my all?
What can convince me to ditch all my pride
And hang on for one rocky emotional ride?

Am I at peace, or a loaded gun?
I'm locked down and chained and have nowhere to run.
You can tell me I'm Saved and it's cool, no regrets
But that don't calm the storms inside of my chest.

There are so many things that I wanted to say
And enjoy and endure and be carried away
But time pleases no one for long, said the Man
And it don't pay to cling to your sweet, selfish plans.

Explain: can chains bind me not one time, but ten?
I lose that small, golden key now and again
And in hope for a new thrill and deeper connection
I plunge blind into webs of ceaseless deception.

When did it happen, when did it come?
It came when I thought that without you, I'm done.
No, you weren't the cause of deception above...
Instead Satan planned and he fooled us with love.

What kind of label fit just how I felt?
Electrically charged and quite helter-skelt.
"Attached" and "addicted" depleted my wit
But "selfish" I choose as the best word to fit.

Look at your life, George, remember your worth.
It was not long ago you received a new birth!
Come now, remember, I'm Father and Son
Not a weak, little Helper who's simply no fun.

You can cry all you want to, sure, pain is legit!
But instead of this pitiful sham of a skit
You can live a real life with passion inside
And such that you simply won't want it to hide!

What will you find? Only Time will tell.
Surely and truly you must'nt want Hell!
It may be a woman, or not! Do not fear
You mustn't control what you hold to most dear.

For though you did fail and your "fool" won out
You shouldn't forget what it IS all about.
It is Me and the choice of what you love most
So pick Me, dear boy, or you surely shall roast.

So laugh! And now rise, for in humor I jest
To put sparkle in your eye and a flame in your chest.
Now delighted, at peace, and so happily caught
You will surely receive what your heart has sought.
_________________________________________


Don't steal this please, if you think anything of it as being a good poem.

Don't be a Porn Again Christian

If you have a little thing with porn and you want to deal with it but feel unequipped or you just don't know what to do, read "Porn Again Christian" by Mark Driscoll. It's online and it's free, it's just a PDF file so it's pretty as a picture. Wow... no pun intended.

This will equip you to know what's really going on in your situation and it will give you wisdom. And if you don't struggle, still read it. It'll equip you to help your friends. It doesn't just talk about porn, it talks about lots of stuff. It's one of those key books I hold highly. It's very enlightening about what's really going on in our world and nation. And in your mind and soul.

Here's the link.

http://relit.org/porn_again_christian/toc.php

Wifey and Hubby

I think the invention of these words has only served to highlight how we as a society don't treat marriage as seriously as we should. Not saying that those who say it are immature, I just don't like those words. I'd rather not use a little kid word to describe my wife when I could call her something like "my lovely". At least something a little more profound. It's almost like people test out marriage and play around, almost like playing house. You be wifey and I'll be hubby. We'll test this out for a while, live together. We'll see how much we like it after a year.

One reason we don't give marriage as much thought is because as a culture and society we're pretty bad about reading the Word. I remember many times people have told me (even amatuer Christians) "well the Bible doesn't say anything about getting drunk." Don't replace the Bible's truth with your conjecture. Until you read the Word, you might not have any idea.

Other reasons include a sexually focused society (therein being inherently selfish, because it's all about pleasing me me me). But I'm not gonna go into that right now. I imagine you already know. -G

How can this be?

What is it that turns young children into teenagers who rush to spoil Christ's perfect name in worthless curses and sayings? What is it that turns the word "heck" into "hell"? What is it that makes a kid go from "Oh my gosh!" to "Oh my God?" It's heartbreaking. Even as I want to sin, I hear something like that and my desire is suddenly powerless and dead because I realize that the evil one is after my brothers. I hate Satan. He tempts me in every way until I am stretched like a bowstring and then he "twangs" me simply to piss me off. I am suffering, but it is worthless unless for Christ. I may not be giving into my sin, but if I am not loving Christ in the midst and walking with Him, then how can it help me? I'll simply cave in to my sin.

I came into the room the other day to find my brother watching some girls wearing revealing costumes. He's a teenager and such is normal. But it made me awful mad inside. Because I see what's going on here. It's not just "normal" and boys will be boys. It's the roots of desire being planted... it's entertaining thoughts in your mind that are best left dormant. These thoughts will very soon spiral out of control if they have not already done so. Sin starts as thoughts and moves to behavior. It's the means by which our vines of sexuality grow outside of the fences God erected, entangling our lives in a mess that is truly hard to mentally prune back. I claim no innocence.

I'm fighting a war here. It is no war for pansies. It is a real freakin scary bloody messy hard war and I'm just finding that out. I'm bleeding and struggling to stand up and keep going and sometimes I wonder what I'm fighting for. Right now I just want to give in and quit because joining Satan's army has tons of great benefits. Then I get moments where the glory of my King comes to my eyes and I see with my heart how beautiful what I'm fighting for is. Then I feel stronger and can fight my enemy off. My Christianity has never been more passionate.

But this war is not for wimps or those with cold feet. It is not for lukewarm Christians. It is for those who understand that what you live your life for is the same thing as what you really LOVE. In other words, GET STRAIGHT what you love most (Christ) and chase Him for the rest of your life! I sure as hell am not perfect, but I understand that following the hardest path ever made (the path to Heaven) is something you must do by hacking your way through, not by whistling and strolling along all pompous and carefree, seeking prosperity and the best of both worlds. In order to stop it, you must take seriously what will kill you. If Satan is really the prowling lion of Scripture, he can definitely maul you in the dead of night.

I know that God can do amazing things and He does. I know that He can soften the hardest of hearts and surprise us every day of our lives. But this may not be enough to sustain you if you do not chase Christ with your thoughts. Even in the times your head is about to explode from so much temptation and strain, you must get alone and break yourself open before God, Humpty-Dumpty style, revealing whatever rotten egg lays inside. Confess it. Give it to Him and He will give you a new one. Who put Humpty freakin Dumpty back together? GOD!

My strength wanes and is compromised. Yet somehow I'm different inside. I BURN with a righteous anger when I think of doing wrong, because even though I want to, my heart has changed. I can't explain it. It hasn't always been that way. But tonight, I'm fighting fire with fire.

For the Word of God is just as much a roaring blaze as it is cool Living Water. And sometimes, it will be your only friend when things get hot. Life is fierce and will knock your teeth out. It is not easy or pleasant to be Christian.

Remember your strength. Do not abandon it and take the easy way. It's here, waiting for you... look: Here is your helm of salvation, your crown jewel. And here is your shield of faith... look how it shimmers with a reflection of the Glory of God. Here are your shoes of evangelistic peace... they're better broken in. Guard your heart and your trust with the breastplate of righteousness. And keep those pants up with the belt of Truth. You have no excuse as a Christian to be caught with your pants down, unprepared. And finally, my brother and sister... your sword. It is the mere Word of the Most High God. Remember how it cut through your darkest moments and saved you.

May God bless you with guts and glory. You're going to need it.

Almost back from Alabama

About to go to bed... long day. Met a friend of my dad, along with his wife, and toured Clemson area with them. I was really impressed with that area... I wish I'd given them thought when choosing which college to go to.

I haven't been handling stuff well today. I learned many things from project, including that I need time to myself. So when I don't get that time, I start going crazy. Feeling weird, and just not having a clear head. It's really strange. But I feel like a cornered animal at those times... and usually I get enough time to myself that that feeling doesn't come up but it started last semester when I really realized that I spend WAY too much time with friends being a groupie and a "cool popular person" when I need to shut up and get in touch with my Big King Daddy God over here who's been tapping on my shoulder to turn around. Summer project left me with little alone time and once again I had to forcefully wrench myself away to just deal with my emotions and develop my emotional intimacy with Him.

The past 6 weeks have been wonderful for me. But I think that I'm slipping. Slipping in this way: Although I read a ton about the Truth and whatever, I don't actually develop that emotional connection on a ONE on ONE basis with my Lord. It's really making me isolated... and more open to being hurt in every way. Things that wouldn't hurt me as much are getting to me now. Or perhaps drifting away from Christ in this relational sense has only brought me closer to Satan's thoughts whispered in my ears. I've been having a lot of such attacks this whole summer. In fact, I'm gonna go ahead and admit it... I'm an emotional guy. One of my friends seems to say I am a lot. Perhaps because he's seen a lot of it. I wish I could feel superior to him (because I am older, and because I have remnants of pride). Hopefully confessing that helps. Funny how someone years younger, as long as they're taller than you, can still dominate you socially. No I'm not talking about you Brad... although you do fit the bill too.

Pride is definitely my worst sin. It's my thing. I used to think I was better than other people because I didn't sin. Or at least, I didn't do the really bad ones. Like sex, drugs, or the f-word. You know, things that would disinherit you in the South. Hahaha, that's actually kinda funny...

But pride. The Prodigal God, an aforementioned book in my blog, explains that we must not only confess our sin, but also our righteousness, because the reasons we had for doing the right thing could have been skewed. Especially if we were not saved before the present point.

We all have probably tried to use God to get what we want. I just wanted to be the best person I could so that I could get to Heaven and not have to deal with searing flames and gnashing of teeth and all that weird scary sketchy stuff in Hell. That good behavior would have saved me... I thought. But even IF my good behavior could have saved me, it wouldn't have been for the right reasons! I was only skipping out on drugs, sex etc because I thought it elevated me in God's eyes and made me "closer" to being a Christian.

Funny how when we don't read the Bible, we end up making up our own religions we call Christianity.

My religion gave me ample time to change (I mean, after all, if grace is free, I can keep messing around for a while, right?) But of course that neglects the cost. Grace is free enough, for us yes, but for God it had quite a cost! So I was actually just using God to get what I wanted: more time, and permission to do what I wanted because of my selfishness.

I just wanna confess those things to you guys and to Christ, that such things are a pleasant sacrifice to He who reigns above me in majesty and power. He ever deserves it.

P.S.: James Taylor has some beautiful music. Particularly his lesser-known songs. For me, his music is really what gets me through sometimes. He's an incredible person.

Crazy in Alabama

That's a title of a movie. And I'm not really crazy... so we'll say "blogging." Blogging in Alabama.

I've been enjoying some time with family down here and it's been tough because as soon as you deepen your walk with Christ, the enemy steps up the attacks. Lots of little things have sparked negative, seething thoughts in my head but not all of them come from me... if you know what I mean. Wild at Heart opened my eyes up to spiritual warfare. Since then, I have definitely had more resources to deal with it.

I talked to my family about my trip and what I got out of it. It was the condensed version, and I'm sure more will come spilling out. Also I talked to them about the Prodigal God book I read during project. It's awesome. Opened my eyes and showed me what Jesus meant using accurate information about the culture then and who Jesus was targeting with this parable (which, in separate ways, is everybody). To understand, you'll simply have to read it. And trust me, if you do, you'll thank God for Timothy Keller because he is truly an amazing mind in the faith. On the same level as John Piper and C.S. Lewis, I would say.

My uncle Scott dropped in today... he's spending the night here with us, along with his son, my cousin Fowler. We're actually staying at my grandparents' house in Opelika, AL. I have so many memories of this place... So many good memories.

I hope, if any of you are reading this, that you enjoy it, or at the very least you walk away with a thoughtful "hmph..." and it gets you thinking. But since I am imperfect, drastically so in fact, I know that some of the things that I put into text form must surely be fallen short of God's glory so far that they come off as skewed or negative or all sorts of things. Please have patience with me, that in my passion I will find discernment and the Holy Spirit will guide my tongue so that I say only what is Scriptural. Whether or not it steps on toes. Jesus' goal was clearly not avoiding stepping on toes. But He also knew the art of conversation and had an extraordinary amount of grace. I clearly do not. But thank you for putting up with me anyway :) If any of you are even reading.

I don't know why the post time is wrong cause it's definitely after midnight on tuesday that I'm writing this, not 9 something on Monday.

I made it so anyone can leave comments. And I really do like comments, so if you leave one, it just might make me smile! How nice! Haha maybe I am crazy

Evangelism on a plane

From what I understand, this is a classic, stereotypical scenario. But I ended up having an hour-long conversation with this guy on my plane. He was actually on both my flights back from NYC. He was already a Christian, but it was great just to go through everything and see if we were on the same page... which we were. We talked a lot about abstract concepts, such as, is there really a fiery Hell or is it more like eternal separation from God. We also talked about predestination vs free will and how it's some mix of the two, working together, but who can really understand God and how that works? I recommended Wild At Heart to him and he recommended Green for Life to me, which is a book that helped him fight his depression with naturally-derived substances/herbs (which he claimed helped him a lot.) I was a bit skeptical but this guy seemed really convinced. He was in his 40's and claimed it had worked for him, so I guess I might give it a try someday soon... if only because he promised to check out Wild at Heart. He seemed really intrigued by it.

That's a brief summary of what we talked about... I'm sure I left a ton of stuff out. But he was impressed that I care so much about evangelism and I think that we both came away from it encouraged as Christians. It was like God took me and just said "George you don't have to fear cause everything you learned in New York is gonna stay with you the rest of your life. Look, you even shared with a guy on the plane!" It was like an affirmation of everything I learned.
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I just want you guys to know... I know that I sometimes write stuff in my blog that is a bit hard to decipher exactly where I'm coming from, especially when it comes to depression. I just hope you understand that I'm not criticizing those who take medication for it as being weak because some people kinda think that's what I'm saying, but I'm not. I'm just trying to see if I can get rid of my symptoms by resolving the huge underlying problems in my life before I try out any medicine. I hope that's understandable. Please consider it an apology for any misunderstanding.

Back in NC.... and sad...

Hey I just got back today after a lot of airport hassle. This morning I had coffee in Starbucks in the bottom of the Empire State building, and after an emotional goodbye on their part, I left with a few others. I say "on their part" because I didn't feel too sad. I tend to shove emotions down without even trying and then later I feel them in full force, not understanding why. I've definitely felt them this evening. Nothing killer, but I am sad that I'm not going to be around the people I hold in such high affection and esteem. I have bonded with these people because there is nothing in this world for bonding time like evangelism. We're literally adding people to God's Kingdom, humble enough to be the instruments He uses to bring them in. Thank you all so much for being so cooperative, and working together! We had personality conflicts but we worked through them with prayer and honesty. We never allowed moods to fester very long before we prayed and submitted such filth to Christ.

I realized that evangelism is the only thing that I'm gonna be able to take away from this summer project that I can take with me anywhere. I can't have my friends, :( and I can't have a great view of a beautiful cityscape or delicious food on every corner, but I can take with me this one tool.

I'm not gonna say much more... I can't believe I'm still up. Last night I went to sleep at 4 AM and got up at 8:15 or so. My friends stayed up all night and watched the sunrise from the Brooklyn Bridge. I would have loved to go... but I was too tired and I knew it.

Just know, if any of you are reading this, that I love you all and I'd break a leg just to see you again for a day and bond the way we all do. I have never experienced such unity... which seems a crude word to describe us. We're a family. In a way that I never knew. Thank you for serving God too. I want nothing more right now than to serve our loving, awesome Father forever with you beyond the grave. I only wish it could start now... but it will be soon enough.

Tomorrow, I'm going to blog about a conversation with a man that I had on a plane. It was a very spiritual conversation... and God showed me that He's got me here in His hand and nothing will ever cut the chains His love has clamped on me... in other words, very reassuring. Stay tuned.

God bless you, New York. I owe you more than I've given you so far.