Beauty in Being Unique [Part 1 - Factory Christians]

I've been having this thought develop slowly over several weeks and it's finally becoming something coherent. Basically, I have come to love myself for who I am despite my mistakes and the inconsistencies between who people think I should be and who I actually am. I'd like to tie this into the pain I'm going through right now as a Christian. Part 2 will be an explanation more of the beauty of being unique and how everyone, deep down, desires this.


School is tough, and online classes are only for those who have a natural talent at being punctual and disciplined. *Throwing my hands in the air* I am not that person!


So part of my pain is this. I haven't desired God really at all in like two weeks, possibly more. I think I started to feel like this life is a system I can work the right way to my benefit, and if I'm a good seminary student, giving of my resources to my church, then God will surely bless me. After all, I have come a long way, and I'm a lot better than other people about being "active" in my faith. Heck, I feel like I'm leading my family into a better relationship with God.


WHOA THERE. See the arrogance? I was just expressing my thoughts in that moment... and they were stuck up and presumptuous. God is to credit... not me. However, "God is to credit... not me" is a thought that feels forced. I don't feel like I'm saying it because I genuinely feel that way. Do any of you struggle like this?


Here's my point. I feel like a Factory Christian. I see a hat I want, I buy it. I don't hardly ever pray unless someone's plight is very serious or I feel like I have to. I hardly ever leave my apartment, and when I do, it's to do things that satisfy ME. I go to the park to play guitar. Guess what's on the back of my mind? Maybe I'll meet a girl (more self-satisfaction). I feel like others just drain me, so I avoid them. I don't want to put in the effort to get to know them, because I forget they have feelings and might want to know me too. I dream of new things to blow my money on, but I only remember my Zambian sponsor child once a month when my account drafts $40. I've written her... but is she still just a number to me? 40? I put tons of energy and time into keeping my room clean. Why? Because I like how it makes me feel: in control, hip, clean, and for lack of a better word, "customized". I can see why some avoid campus ministries... leaders try to crank out the same type of person year after year!  It's a factory! So no wonder we get people who haven't made their faith their own! People just become the same judgemental, close-minded "I prefer my ideas over yours by default" kind of person year after year, and very few stand out as a beautiful individual who makes you scratch your head and think, "Wow... I'm glad he's here. Wow... I'm glad she's here." 


I'm like a factory-made machine, and I'm customizing myself into who I want to be. Think about it: I've lost my emotionality towards God (not unlike a robot), I spend my mental resources on making myself who I materially want to be (instead of taking time to read Scripture and applying it to myself), I don't care about other people enough to make them a part of my life (more robot-ness)... I'm like an iPhone and everything I'm searching for is a new app. Ooh, a new shirt. Ooh, a new attractive friend. Ooh, a new hip-looking Christian book I won't read. Ooh, a new silly band (ok, not really ;-) ). See? Factory customization. Add-ons.


It feels dead. And I'm not pitying myself when I say this. I just want you to see how messed up it is. I need people to understand me, to see the real me. I'm terrified of living a lie, so I self-disclose about all kinds of things; it's called being real.


Transition. So where do I want to go from here? I mentioned in the first paragraph that I have had a thought resurface for a while... the desire to just break free and be everything I cherish about myself musically, emotionally, mentally)... I want to be the best me, but I want it to not be about me, because if it was about me, I'd just be Oprah, or some celebrity. I want to find that hidden beauty in life that everyone's searching for, the kind that people think Oprah has. I thought I had found it with Christ, but I think I've only gotten a glimpse of it... I haven't chased and stolen it, in the most adventurous and romantic sense of the word. Does that make sense? It's like I just want to break free of everything that anyone expects me to be and just be me. I just want to be a "beautiful person", devoid of the cheesiness you would associate with a guy like me saying that.  Am I having a crisis of faith? No, I want to be loyal to a good God. 


But I am having a crisis of self-blandness, and it comes from following prescribed ways of Christian living without discovering who I am instead. Now, what I'm saying at first seems to sound like "focus on yourself, not God" talk, but it's not. The Gospel must stay central in my life. But something's gotta change for the better... something to do with how honest I am with myself (self-intimacy) and how well I share myself with and listen to the world (world-intimacy). Because in shutting out everything else and learning to value myself as a wonderful person, I'm discovering what makes it worth everyone's time for me to even be here. 


More on that in Part 2.

Old poem I wrote a while back about my salvation

I just found this on my Facebook while going through and deleting old stuff. Thought I'd keep it and share it.

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Tumbling and falling from high above

Bruising my face on the rocks

I've seen the light and I've heard the call

I have a way out, my escape is here.

Addictively and sweetly drawn backwards and down

Faces in Heaven fall as I bury my head in the sand.

Sweet, sweet sand. Fine and soft... beckoning down

Into the depths, where I return.

Voices of comfort whisper to me in the darkness

In tones suave and powerful. Something inside

In anger returns a challenge angry and strong.

One choice lays before me, yet no time to choose.

Flight or fight, fight or flight,

Destined to lose either way. Ironic that I

Should grow and bloom in my youth yet fall

Into such decay, decline, and desolation.

I perceived myself as alone and in need

Anything seemed better than my wounded state.

Caught up in my pride, I elevated myself

And thought my case was the worst of all.

Yet I was not alone. Beneath my life and pain

Was a stirring both strange, yet familiar

I watched and I waited in ignorance and bliss

Hoping I could win my own wretched fate.

No reservations, no compromise!

Colors and life before my eyes

Soaring from far below to the sky

A love made itself known, for astounded, I

Was no longer alone! Nor never was!

Pried from my cross, and saved because

The Power of LOVE stole my breath

So His I am now, in life and in death.

The Glory of that moment condensed into One

As my heart skipped a beat and I realized He won!

Grasping the shaft of the cross that I bore

He broke it in two, nullifying my war.

The pieces aside, their power now dead,

There was love in His eyes that like fire burned red.

With passion and purpose, He turned and He ran

Down a path pre-prepared since the world began.

He beckoned to follow, so chase Him I did.

The demons and ghouls, for my soul, let them bid!

In joy and assurance, I simply don't care

And with evil behind, I soar in the air.

So together we walk in peace and as friends

Our love is eternal, it just never ends.

Without it, I lose and my mission is lost

Yet save me He did, no matter the cost!