How can this be?

What is it that turns young children into teenagers who rush to spoil Christ's perfect name in worthless curses and sayings? What is it that turns the word "heck" into "hell"? What is it that makes a kid go from "Oh my gosh!" to "Oh my God?" It's heartbreaking. Even as I want to sin, I hear something like that and my desire is suddenly powerless and dead because I realize that the evil one is after my brothers. I hate Satan. He tempts me in every way until I am stretched like a bowstring and then he "twangs" me simply to piss me off. I am suffering, but it is worthless unless for Christ. I may not be giving into my sin, but if I am not loving Christ in the midst and walking with Him, then how can it help me? I'll simply cave in to my sin.

I came into the room the other day to find my brother watching some girls wearing revealing costumes. He's a teenager and such is normal. But it made me awful mad inside. Because I see what's going on here. It's not just "normal" and boys will be boys. It's the roots of desire being planted... it's entertaining thoughts in your mind that are best left dormant. These thoughts will very soon spiral out of control if they have not already done so. Sin starts as thoughts and moves to behavior. It's the means by which our vines of sexuality grow outside of the fences God erected, entangling our lives in a mess that is truly hard to mentally prune back. I claim no innocence.

I'm fighting a war here. It is no war for pansies. It is a real freakin scary bloody messy hard war and I'm just finding that out. I'm bleeding and struggling to stand up and keep going and sometimes I wonder what I'm fighting for. Right now I just want to give in and quit because joining Satan's army has tons of great benefits. Then I get moments where the glory of my King comes to my eyes and I see with my heart how beautiful what I'm fighting for is. Then I feel stronger and can fight my enemy off. My Christianity has never been more passionate.

But this war is not for wimps or those with cold feet. It is not for lukewarm Christians. It is for those who understand that what you live your life for is the same thing as what you really LOVE. In other words, GET STRAIGHT what you love most (Christ) and chase Him for the rest of your life! I sure as hell am not perfect, but I understand that following the hardest path ever made (the path to Heaven) is something you must do by hacking your way through, not by whistling and strolling along all pompous and carefree, seeking prosperity and the best of both worlds. In order to stop it, you must take seriously what will kill you. If Satan is really the prowling lion of Scripture, he can definitely maul you in the dead of night.

I know that God can do amazing things and He does. I know that He can soften the hardest of hearts and surprise us every day of our lives. But this may not be enough to sustain you if you do not chase Christ with your thoughts. Even in the times your head is about to explode from so much temptation and strain, you must get alone and break yourself open before God, Humpty-Dumpty style, revealing whatever rotten egg lays inside. Confess it. Give it to Him and He will give you a new one. Who put Humpty freakin Dumpty back together? GOD!

My strength wanes and is compromised. Yet somehow I'm different inside. I BURN with a righteous anger when I think of doing wrong, because even though I want to, my heart has changed. I can't explain it. It hasn't always been that way. But tonight, I'm fighting fire with fire.

For the Word of God is just as much a roaring blaze as it is cool Living Water. And sometimes, it will be your only friend when things get hot. Life is fierce and will knock your teeth out. It is not easy or pleasant to be Christian.

Remember your strength. Do not abandon it and take the easy way. It's here, waiting for you... look: Here is your helm of salvation, your crown jewel. And here is your shield of faith... look how it shimmers with a reflection of the Glory of God. Here are your shoes of evangelistic peace... they're better broken in. Guard your heart and your trust with the breastplate of righteousness. And keep those pants up with the belt of Truth. You have no excuse as a Christian to be caught with your pants down, unprepared. And finally, my brother and sister... your sword. It is the mere Word of the Most High God. Remember how it cut through your darkest moments and saved you.

May God bless you with guts and glory. You're going to need it.

Almost back from Alabama

About to go to bed... long day. Met a friend of my dad, along with his wife, and toured Clemson area with them. I was really impressed with that area... I wish I'd given them thought when choosing which college to go to.

I haven't been handling stuff well today. I learned many things from project, including that I need time to myself. So when I don't get that time, I start going crazy. Feeling weird, and just not having a clear head. It's really strange. But I feel like a cornered animal at those times... and usually I get enough time to myself that that feeling doesn't come up but it started last semester when I really realized that I spend WAY too much time with friends being a groupie and a "cool popular person" when I need to shut up and get in touch with my Big King Daddy God over here who's been tapping on my shoulder to turn around. Summer project left me with little alone time and once again I had to forcefully wrench myself away to just deal with my emotions and develop my emotional intimacy with Him.

The past 6 weeks have been wonderful for me. But I think that I'm slipping. Slipping in this way: Although I read a ton about the Truth and whatever, I don't actually develop that emotional connection on a ONE on ONE basis with my Lord. It's really making me isolated... and more open to being hurt in every way. Things that wouldn't hurt me as much are getting to me now. Or perhaps drifting away from Christ in this relational sense has only brought me closer to Satan's thoughts whispered in my ears. I've been having a lot of such attacks this whole summer. In fact, I'm gonna go ahead and admit it... I'm an emotional guy. One of my friends seems to say I am a lot. Perhaps because he's seen a lot of it. I wish I could feel superior to him (because I am older, and because I have remnants of pride). Hopefully confessing that helps. Funny how someone years younger, as long as they're taller than you, can still dominate you socially. No I'm not talking about you Brad... although you do fit the bill too.

Pride is definitely my worst sin. It's my thing. I used to think I was better than other people because I didn't sin. Or at least, I didn't do the really bad ones. Like sex, drugs, or the f-word. You know, things that would disinherit you in the South. Hahaha, that's actually kinda funny...

But pride. The Prodigal God, an aforementioned book in my blog, explains that we must not only confess our sin, but also our righteousness, because the reasons we had for doing the right thing could have been skewed. Especially if we were not saved before the present point.

We all have probably tried to use God to get what we want. I just wanted to be the best person I could so that I could get to Heaven and not have to deal with searing flames and gnashing of teeth and all that weird scary sketchy stuff in Hell. That good behavior would have saved me... I thought. But even IF my good behavior could have saved me, it wouldn't have been for the right reasons! I was only skipping out on drugs, sex etc because I thought it elevated me in God's eyes and made me "closer" to being a Christian.

Funny how when we don't read the Bible, we end up making up our own religions we call Christianity.

My religion gave me ample time to change (I mean, after all, if grace is free, I can keep messing around for a while, right?) But of course that neglects the cost. Grace is free enough, for us yes, but for God it had quite a cost! So I was actually just using God to get what I wanted: more time, and permission to do what I wanted because of my selfishness.

I just wanna confess those things to you guys and to Christ, that such things are a pleasant sacrifice to He who reigns above me in majesty and power. He ever deserves it.

P.S.: James Taylor has some beautiful music. Particularly his lesser-known songs. For me, his music is really what gets me through sometimes. He's an incredible person.

Crazy in Alabama

That's a title of a movie. And I'm not really crazy... so we'll say "blogging." Blogging in Alabama.

I've been enjoying some time with family down here and it's been tough because as soon as you deepen your walk with Christ, the enemy steps up the attacks. Lots of little things have sparked negative, seething thoughts in my head but not all of them come from me... if you know what I mean. Wild at Heart opened my eyes up to spiritual warfare. Since then, I have definitely had more resources to deal with it.

I talked to my family about my trip and what I got out of it. It was the condensed version, and I'm sure more will come spilling out. Also I talked to them about the Prodigal God book I read during project. It's awesome. Opened my eyes and showed me what Jesus meant using accurate information about the culture then and who Jesus was targeting with this parable (which, in separate ways, is everybody). To understand, you'll simply have to read it. And trust me, if you do, you'll thank God for Timothy Keller because he is truly an amazing mind in the faith. On the same level as John Piper and C.S. Lewis, I would say.

My uncle Scott dropped in today... he's spending the night here with us, along with his son, my cousin Fowler. We're actually staying at my grandparents' house in Opelika, AL. I have so many memories of this place... So many good memories.

I hope, if any of you are reading this, that you enjoy it, or at the very least you walk away with a thoughtful "hmph..." and it gets you thinking. But since I am imperfect, drastically so in fact, I know that some of the things that I put into text form must surely be fallen short of God's glory so far that they come off as skewed or negative or all sorts of things. Please have patience with me, that in my passion I will find discernment and the Holy Spirit will guide my tongue so that I say only what is Scriptural. Whether or not it steps on toes. Jesus' goal was clearly not avoiding stepping on toes. But He also knew the art of conversation and had an extraordinary amount of grace. I clearly do not. But thank you for putting up with me anyway :) If any of you are even reading.

I don't know why the post time is wrong cause it's definitely after midnight on tuesday that I'm writing this, not 9 something on Monday.

I made it so anyone can leave comments. And I really do like comments, so if you leave one, it just might make me smile! How nice! Haha maybe I am crazy

Evangelism on a plane

From what I understand, this is a classic, stereotypical scenario. But I ended up having an hour-long conversation with this guy on my plane. He was actually on both my flights back from NYC. He was already a Christian, but it was great just to go through everything and see if we were on the same page... which we were. We talked a lot about abstract concepts, such as, is there really a fiery Hell or is it more like eternal separation from God. We also talked about predestination vs free will and how it's some mix of the two, working together, but who can really understand God and how that works? I recommended Wild At Heart to him and he recommended Green for Life to me, which is a book that helped him fight his depression with naturally-derived substances/herbs (which he claimed helped him a lot.) I was a bit skeptical but this guy seemed really convinced. He was in his 40's and claimed it had worked for him, so I guess I might give it a try someday soon... if only because he promised to check out Wild at Heart. He seemed really intrigued by it.

That's a brief summary of what we talked about... I'm sure I left a ton of stuff out. But he was impressed that I care so much about evangelism and I think that we both came away from it encouraged as Christians. It was like God took me and just said "George you don't have to fear cause everything you learned in New York is gonna stay with you the rest of your life. Look, you even shared with a guy on the plane!" It was like an affirmation of everything I learned.
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I just want you guys to know... I know that I sometimes write stuff in my blog that is a bit hard to decipher exactly where I'm coming from, especially when it comes to depression. I just hope you understand that I'm not criticizing those who take medication for it as being weak because some people kinda think that's what I'm saying, but I'm not. I'm just trying to see if I can get rid of my symptoms by resolving the huge underlying problems in my life before I try out any medicine. I hope that's understandable. Please consider it an apology for any misunderstanding.

Back in NC.... and sad...

Hey I just got back today after a lot of airport hassle. This morning I had coffee in Starbucks in the bottom of the Empire State building, and after an emotional goodbye on their part, I left with a few others. I say "on their part" because I didn't feel too sad. I tend to shove emotions down without even trying and then later I feel them in full force, not understanding why. I've definitely felt them this evening. Nothing killer, but I am sad that I'm not going to be around the people I hold in such high affection and esteem. I have bonded with these people because there is nothing in this world for bonding time like evangelism. We're literally adding people to God's Kingdom, humble enough to be the instruments He uses to bring them in. Thank you all so much for being so cooperative, and working together! We had personality conflicts but we worked through them with prayer and honesty. We never allowed moods to fester very long before we prayed and submitted such filth to Christ.

I realized that evangelism is the only thing that I'm gonna be able to take away from this summer project that I can take with me anywhere. I can't have my friends, :( and I can't have a great view of a beautiful cityscape or delicious food on every corner, but I can take with me this one tool.

I'm not gonna say much more... I can't believe I'm still up. Last night I went to sleep at 4 AM and got up at 8:15 or so. My friends stayed up all night and watched the sunrise from the Brooklyn Bridge. I would have loved to go... but I was too tired and I knew it.

Just know, if any of you are reading this, that I love you all and I'd break a leg just to see you again for a day and bond the way we all do. I have never experienced such unity... which seems a crude word to describe us. We're a family. In a way that I never knew. Thank you for serving God too. I want nothing more right now than to serve our loving, awesome Father forever with you beyond the grave. I only wish it could start now... but it will be soon enough.

Tomorrow, I'm going to blog about a conversation with a man that I had on a plane. It was a very spiritual conversation... and God showed me that He's got me here in His hand and nothing will ever cut the chains His love has clamped on me... in other words, very reassuring. Stay tuned.

God bless you, New York. I owe you more than I've given you so far.

Wild at heart.

I missed church, both in the morning and at night. It was accidental. But that's no shame to me, because I was in Bryant Park from about 1 pm to 5:45 just taking pictures and then sitting, reading Wild At Heart. For those of you who don't know, it's a book that explains what goes wrong with a man and... everything about us. How to break us, how to fix us. I've learned so much truth from this book. I read about a fourth of it today in the park. I could go into all kinds of detail, but I'm not going to. To do so would be exhausting. But I was nurtured today by the Spirit, sitting there thinking, reading, and underlining. As well as taking notes. I've completely marked up the second half of the book cause that's when I REALLY started reading it. No matter who you are as a man, you should read it. And if you're a female, read it to understand men. Only after you've read Captivating, the companion book, for women.

It sounds cheesy. It sounds like a cookie-cutter approach to helping people. "Get fixed". It's not about an instant cure. You will learn SO MUCH from this book that will change how and what you think, but not because of any external approach. It will open your eyes and awaken the desires of your heart to know God's will, your proper place, and most enjoyably though arduously, how you must win a woman's heart.

The book explains what they want and need. It explains that before you seek and fight for a woman, you must first confront your own internal wounds. We all have them. They fuel the facade that makes up our sinful existence. If we don't face them, we will forever be abandoning the greater part of our strength and avoiding battles that must be fought and won if we are to grow and find out our true identity as people and as servants of Christ.

So yes, I felt very close to God today. Since I left the park I have still been fighting back tears because of the connections I've made in my mind between truth and my reality. If your "spiritual experience" is void of emotionality towards God, then you have religion, not relationship. Rules, not a love exchange.

God said a lot to me. I saw this girl in the park who I thought was pretty, which happens inevitably and constantly, because I am a male and I am attuned to physical beauty. That is my design. I realized this is why God made us this way; because males are attuned to physical beauty, they are given the role of assertiveness and pursuing the female. Females are attracted to emotional beauty, or personality, which helps them discern which male would be the best at heart. Unfortunately, they overlook the wounds and flaws in the male, and they get hurt. Read the book and you'll read about that. Anyway, I thought this girl was kinda pretty, and then God said something through me, which was this.

"You can not make me more of a man than I already am."

This was me, in my head speaking to the girl of course. It came from God, conveyed through the truth in this book. After filling my head with it and having my mind dwell on spiritual things for a few hours and of my own volition, it happened a lot. Today was a great day, it really was.

But back to my quote. It relates to how men look for a woman that will make them feel like a man, not challenge them to be one. What you, as a male, rather experience? Having Jessica Alba throw herself at you, or having her threaten to spread a rumor you're gay when you won't sleep with her? Vivid and provoking analogy, to say the least, but it's a good picture of the level of challenge we males feel when we have to choose between abandoning our real strength (the easy choice, sex) or keeping it (the hard choice, standing your ground on Christ the rock). The book explains how we either abandon or hold on to our strength, the strength that God imbued into us as men.

So ultimately in my head, I prevailed but ONLY because Christ has shown me that a woman will not make me a man. I must first address my inner wounds, find my strength, and then pursue her. I'm not sure who she is yet, but that hardly matters at this point. I have to face my past first.

Foot update! and recommended book!

My foot is feeling better! Both of them! And I got around today without much pain. It was... a patient experience, trudging through the busy subways with a limp. Busy is an understatement.

I have a book recommendation. In fact, I order you to get it. Go ahead and buy it, it'll change your outlook... unless you're a genius philosopher/writer. Timothy Keller, pastor of Redeemer Presbyterian Church here in NYC, wrote the book "The Prodigal God" about the story of the prodigal son. It completely breaks open the story and reveals so much inside that I never thought. It shifts the focus from the younger brother to the elder brother and teaches us a lesson about him... revealing the REAL focus that Jesus had with this story. Revealing the real meaning. We culturally have misinterpreted it. But you'll have to read this book to understand just how. It digs into the heart of the Christian faith and explains one of Jesus' most famous parables. I always was really bored with that parable/story but when I read this book, it was really interesting!

If you really want to know the lesson behind this parable, the lesson Jesus meant for the Pharisees to hear, then read this book. It will explain this parable and help you APPLY it to you personally. It has real meaning for everyone on earth, not just those who run away as "prodigal" sons. The prodigal son is only one third of the true story here... the other two thirds are in this book. Enjoy.

Anyway

This song by Nichole Nordeman was played at Redeemer Church which meets in Hunter College here in NYC. A soloist came up and sang/played it on piano. It's a beautiful song, you should check it out. It's about how we're so filthy and dusty from years of sin and it's after scraping off the years of baggage and submitting it to Christ that we get a glimpse of who we really are. Some of you, I know, would really get a lot out of this song. It moved me when I heard it, and I felt like it was speaking to me, deep down.

~ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j7UggqrnEr0 ~

Bless the day this restoration is complete
Dirty dusty something must be underneath
So I scrape and I scuff
Though it's never quite enough
I am starting to see me finally...

A gallery of paintings new and paintings old
I guess it's no surprise that I'm no Michaelangelo.
Every layer of mine hides a lovely design
It might take a little patience
It might take a little time...

But you called me beautiful
When you saw my shame
And you placed me on the wall
Anyway.

You who have begun this work will someday see
A portrait of the holiness you meant for me
So I polish and shine
Til it's easier to find even an outline of mine

But you called me beautiful
When you saw my shame
And you placed me on the wall
Anyway
Anyway
And you placed me on the wall
Anyway

Foot problems and Fireworks

It's mid-Monday now and I'm not out evangelizing because the other day my foot pain got really bad and now it feels like when I put weight on it it's going to pop. Also there's a bit of nerve pain in the bottom because when I squeeze/put weight on my arch I get an electrical shock in my big toe every time I do it. I had that feeling prior to this pain, and now that I have the pain I really don't want to aggravate the condition. So going with Brandon's advice, I'm gonna see what I can do to alleviate it. Been icing it so much that I might need to have someone buy more ice.

On a lighter note, the July 4 show was awesome! I've never seen such a show on such a grand scale. They were HUGE. Not all of them but some. They started out with fireworks that exploded into cube wireframe shapes. They also had some that exploded and scurried outward like scarab beetles. My favorite were the biggest ones that just blew up in a circle and were one color. Because they were huge. It was worth the wait.

We played Mafia and Apples to Apples while waiting for the show to start. We were by the Hudson, and everyone had to hold it if they needed to pee, etc because they wouldn't allow people out at first. I guess the cops realized that thousands of people without a bathroom is probably not the best mix, so they started letting people out and back in if they could successfully call someone in their party and wave back at them to prove they had friends in the pre-admitted crowd. It took my friend Jordan an hour to get back from the Subway where he got my friend Matt a sub. Anyway here are some fireworks pictures, sorry I'm late putting them up.

It's 4 AM and here are my thoughts.

I just had a great conversation with Aaron... he's asleep now. But it was about personality conflicts and making sound Biblical decisions regardless of people's opinions. I've had difficulty getting along with several people here on project simply because we have different personalities. To say I have not had that problem or to keep silent would be lying. My point is, it helped me to talk with Aaron. That's what's up. It was a relief to me.

We all have different opinions about things like what we want or need to hear. I've had situations come up lately where I'm hurting and unfortunately people interact with me the way THEY want to be loved, not the way I need to be. Unfortunately they don't understand that sometimes what I need to hear is not what they have to say at that moment. For example, when I'm depressed, I don't need anyone to tell me (1) that that's a legitimate brain dysfunction/imbalance. I want someone to tell me (2) that Jesus Christ changes lives and can bring a ray of hope into a situation. Yet the other day, people told me Response (1), and it didn't make me feel very good. Made me feel really alone and labeled. All I wanted was to have someone encourage me in Christ and all they did was make me feel worse. That day, I really didn't need to hear about medicinal treatments or cold hard facts, but just have some personal reassurance that everything's gonna be ok if I trust Jesus.

I'm not criticizing antidepressants and their users... please don't misunderstand me. I'm just in a stage of life right now where I cannot rely on that. My faith is too tiny... I couldn't afford to rely on medicine to improve my mood. That'd be too much of a crutch. I NEED my faith right now. I need to be FORCED to rely on it to save my mood from that place of despair. I CANNOT just hop on a medication and get happy, because if I did, I wouldn't feel the kind of pressure I do to cling to Christ every day that I live through. On an antidepressant, I'd be content. And I wouldn't be seeking God, because I wouldn't need Him to save my mood anymore. That's the best I can put it.

I need that obstacle right now, as weird as that sounds. It forces me to draw closer to Christ.
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I don't know why it says posted at 1:00 AM.

Turning Point

I think I'm starting to understand that God does amazing things if you surrender to Him and wish for amazing things to happen. Even if they're scary, they're worth it. God never said it wouldn't hurt or that things wouldn't be hard. They may be really dangerous or emotional or hard times, but submitting everything to God, we can grow our faith in Him a lot, which grows our understanding.

Anyway, I can see myself getting a lot more out of this trip during these last two weeks. I'm focusing more on the trip now and what I'm actually doing here.

Tomorrow (wed) I'm playing 4 songs on piano for a worship/music session in the afternoon. We're gonna meet back at The Space after evangelism and tell how it went, and just sing some praise songs. I am honored to be requested to play. God denied me the chance to do this until my heart was in the right place. Before, I was doing it for me and caring about my own satisfaction. Now, I hope that my intentions are pure. I think they are... I've been praying about it, that I would become humble enough that it doesn't matter to me whether I specifically play piano or the others do. Because what matters is Christ being lifted up in our song. Not my self-worth in music getting reinforced.