Witty thoughts about my need for a woman.

I'm searching for answers in a world where most Christians try to have a textbook answer for everybody on "dating", relationships, etc. It's all become so tired and hateful that I can't stand it anymore. Everything's cliche. I don't ever want to talk about my views on it because I know I'll get the same opinion over and over again from Christians. 


We all want to mean something to somebody. I don't think I'm ever going to stop feeling a need for a woman until that's filled. People can quip all day about "Jesus is all you need" but I think the idea of me "needing" someone else is more beautiful and illustrates just how helpless I am as a lone man in front of God. People can hate, but I'm not a fake charmer or a snob, I just want to be an honest man. 


Okay honest man, what do you feel? What I honestly feel is a magnetism. I can't help the pull; it's just there. I know eventually I'll have to find a solution to it because it drives me crazy very slowly and romantically and obsessively. I'm like Stanley Ipckis [Jim Carrey] in The Mask. I want a woman who appreciates a good guy, who's smart enough not to waste her heart on men who are boys in men's bodies. I want a woman who, PLEASE, wants me NOT for my looks, but for my passions, my insides, what I love in life. Don't get me wrong here, I'm not complimenting myself by mentioning my looks. But all my relationships failed because they were about how she thought I was cute, and she didn't care about what I love in life at all. It was kid love. It was silly. And just like Stanley Ipckis, I'm dying for the opportunity to break free, and be who I want to be for somebody. I've got to love myself for who I am and understand that I'm enough. That I'm worth it. I've got to value what I have to offer a girl, instead of hating myself and thinking I'm never enough. And I'm not going to use a "mask" to get a girl. I'm not going to be fake-cool, the kind that gets you lots of hot female friends for when you decide you want to have a party. I hate that life, I don't want it. I don't care if the girl thinks I'm sexy or if she thinks I'm really smart or she likes my talents or wants an accessory man, or if she just wants to get in my pants. I want you to see what I love in life, and I hope that it'll be enough for you. Because our lives burn away very quickly, like candles; and we have to stop. We have to cherish who the other person is. We can't just let this go by, thinking it's all about "pleasing me". Because it will go by, and for billions of people, it has. Be different. Don't be a conformist. Listen to what I just said. Don't live the life that's  happened billions of times before.


I'm a poetic guy. I'm not gay, I am who I am. I'll say what I want to say because it's how I feel, and I'd be hopelessly boring and intellectually stupid if I didn't cross that line of what you think I SHOULD do as a normal man. I don't earn my "mancard" (such a dismal invention of an achievist, self-critical society) by anything I do. I do it by loving Christ and especially myself (the person God made me), and not being content with living a spiritually dull life. If I don't love myself right where I am, then tell me, how can I love my neighbor as myself? Or have you forgotten that the very thing Jesus calls us to do is love ourselves just as we are, so that we can accept grace? Who can accept undeserved grace if they only self-loathe? I'm not talking about "Oprah self-love" that makes you into such a good person,  you're a god. I'm talking about the self-love that brings contentment and peace of mind, that when all falls apart, at least you love who you are, because hey, God does.

A mirror of what I'm discovering lately

I'm reading Blue Like Jazz and it's literally speaking to exactly what I'm discovering right now, this past week.

"I love how the Gospels start, with John the Baptist eating bugs and baptizing people. The religious people started getting baptized because it had become popular, and John yells at them and calls them snakes. He says the water won't do anything for them, it will only get their snakeskins wet. But if they meant it, if they had faith that Jesus was coming and was real, then Jesus would ignite the kingdom life within them. I love that because for so long religion was my false gospel. But there was no magic in it, no wonder, no awe, no kingdom life burning in my chest. And when I get tempted by that same stupid Christian religion, I go back to the beginning of the Gospels and am comforted that there is something more than the emptiness of ritual. God will ignite the kingdom life within me, the Bible says. That's mysticism. It isn't a formula that I am figuring out. It is something God does.

"One night I watched the sunset till the stars faded in and, while looking up, my mind or my heart, I do not know which, realized how endless it all was. I laid myself down on some grass and reached my hand directly out toward where? I don't know. There is no up and down. There has never been an up and down. Things like up and down were invented so as not to scare children, so as to reduce mystery to math. The truth is we do not know there is an end to material existence. It may go on forever, which is something the mind cannot understand."

Don't limit the limitless. God is the magic beyond what we can understand and grasp. Let that make your head spin!

Beauty in Being Unique [Part 2 - Lost Magic]

I just realized... it's real easy to have the "Christian thing" figured out and taken care of, even the elusive concept of "grace", but what about falling in love with it along the way? Why is it that we believe the most beautiful thing in the world and yet, instead of God being that lost bit of magic, intrigue and mystery we've been hoping for since we were kids, our lives are more like a system just to "get through"? I feel like I'm finally getting it! :)


I was always really into fantasy movies. I just watched a Harry Potter movie tonight. There's something about such movies that always makes me really happy. I want to know why that's missing out of my life with God. God is more wonderful and wide and beautiful than any movie can be... so I know if I'm not getting this sense of childlike wonder out of my relationship with Him, I'm definitely missing something key. There's nothing ordinary about God... He's awesome, just ask King David.


I've got a method. A system. And God doesn't work in systems. He works in beautiful, uneven, messy patterns. He loves sloppy, silly individuals who don't have it together. The beautiful rocks and canyons and waterfalls shout His beauty more than stained glass windows ever could. Come undone. Let your walls down. Let the Lord in and let Him show you how beautiful everything is in itself. Be silly and undignified... stop trying to be beautiful and collected. He makes you righteous. He makes you beautiful. 


We always wanted to believe in magic when we were little. Ask any kid. We want to believe that the impossible is both a) possible and b) personally available to all of us. We want to believe that each of us each has his own unique "powers", if I may push the boundaries of language into the near-heretical to make a point. By that term, I meant our own unique role and special purpose that we've been blessed with by God. Don't you desire that?


What if it were all true? What if God does give us each a unique role in the "impossible"? What if that magic that always kept us entranced as kids were real? What if that was God, and not some impersonal force? What if that were available to each and every one of us, and in addition to making us powerful and beautiful in meaningful ways, it actually cared for us and loved us? 


I'm just enraptured as I write this because I have a hope... because a new understanding for me is near. I can feel it. The system of getting on God's good side, that I made with my own hands, is breaking down. I'm not abandoning Christ. I'm just rediscovering for myself that God is Someone I can dare to love and love wildly. And anyone who tells you different is clearly content with chains. 


I want the world to fall in love with Someone that is mysterious, powerful, wonderful, kind, lovely, poetic, tranquil, violent, perilous, natural, enduring, vast, and yes, magical. God is that for us. I always knew He was good, even before I accepted Him into my life. I never had any doubt. But now my eyes are opening and I can see that God is my magic. He is my unexplained but undeniable joy. He's always here for me, and I delight in getting to know more about who He is. It's no longer about saving me, He's promised that. It's about falling in love with Him as our Joy that we've hoped for all along. 


And suddenly we can see, it's not about physical beauty, status, wealth, power, influence, education, style, or anything else. It's open to anyone at all. God is the God of all that was created, and if He is our only hope, then can we not dare to believe that he can do the "impossible"? Isn't there a sense of wonder and "enchantment" in that? 


Christ invites us to a relationship that will never fail. God is all about His own awesome glory, and as far as I'm concerned, that's worth my life! That's the biggest dream I can dream of!

When friends hurt you, what should you do?

Something that's been heavy on my heart lately is that whenever my friends sin against each other (for example, a crude joke, however light), the one who's offended just talks about it, but never confronts the other one on one... and so the offender never learns and grows up.


It's really hard to just watch people shy away from doing their part to helping their friends grow up. I don't know about you, but I didn't give up everything I used to live for just so I could just keep making the same mistakes over and over. 


So if someone says something that annoys you or just makes you think, "Wow, that's just wrong" or you simply feel convicted inside to tell them that was really not in good taste, just tell 'em. I'm going to work on this myself. I love my friends, but they definitely say some things that objectify women. And so do I. I just feel like there's something better than this. I'm not saying we have to quit cold turkey, because men have their man-talk, and I love a good laugh with the boys. Just hear me on this... and let's let the Spirit quietly convict us to maybe think about some of the stuff we're saying and if it's really healthy to our one-on-one relationship with God. Please don't think I'm being a Nazi about it... I'm only saying this because for me, maintaining a relationship with God is hard enough without having my mind in the gutter.


There's a much more serious issue at hand here than stupid jokes. If you don't confront a Christian who sins against you, you're showing you have no balls whatsoever. There have been situations in which I messed up without realizing it, and one tattletale rats on me behind my back and suddenly I have a whole group of proud, churchy people breathing down my neck. What happened to one on one? Why didn't you have the balls to just tell me you think I did the wrong thing? Don't you care? 


This is one of the things that pisses me off the most about modern-day Christians. Weak people lack the humility to confront each other one on one. If you say you love Christ, at least be real about it.  Love your friend enough to tell them what they did wrong that hurt you. Read Matthew 18:15.

Beauty in Being Unique [Part 1 - Factory Christians]

I've been having this thought develop slowly over several weeks and it's finally becoming something coherent. Basically, I have come to love myself for who I am despite my mistakes and the inconsistencies between who people think I should be and who I actually am. I'd like to tie this into the pain I'm going through right now as a Christian. Part 2 will be an explanation more of the beauty of being unique and how everyone, deep down, desires this.


School is tough, and online classes are only for those who have a natural talent at being punctual and disciplined. *Throwing my hands in the air* I am not that person!


So part of my pain is this. I haven't desired God really at all in like two weeks, possibly more. I think I started to feel like this life is a system I can work the right way to my benefit, and if I'm a good seminary student, giving of my resources to my church, then God will surely bless me. After all, I have come a long way, and I'm a lot better than other people about being "active" in my faith. Heck, I feel like I'm leading my family into a better relationship with God.


WHOA THERE. See the arrogance? I was just expressing my thoughts in that moment... and they were stuck up and presumptuous. God is to credit... not me. However, "God is to credit... not me" is a thought that feels forced. I don't feel like I'm saying it because I genuinely feel that way. Do any of you struggle like this?


Here's my point. I feel like a Factory Christian. I see a hat I want, I buy it. I don't hardly ever pray unless someone's plight is very serious or I feel like I have to. I hardly ever leave my apartment, and when I do, it's to do things that satisfy ME. I go to the park to play guitar. Guess what's on the back of my mind? Maybe I'll meet a girl (more self-satisfaction). I feel like others just drain me, so I avoid them. I don't want to put in the effort to get to know them, because I forget they have feelings and might want to know me too. I dream of new things to blow my money on, but I only remember my Zambian sponsor child once a month when my account drafts $40. I've written her... but is she still just a number to me? 40? I put tons of energy and time into keeping my room clean. Why? Because I like how it makes me feel: in control, hip, clean, and for lack of a better word, "customized". I can see why some avoid campus ministries... leaders try to crank out the same type of person year after year!  It's a factory! So no wonder we get people who haven't made their faith their own! People just become the same judgemental, close-minded "I prefer my ideas over yours by default" kind of person year after year, and very few stand out as a beautiful individual who makes you scratch your head and think, "Wow... I'm glad he's here. Wow... I'm glad she's here." 


I'm like a factory-made machine, and I'm customizing myself into who I want to be. Think about it: I've lost my emotionality towards God (not unlike a robot), I spend my mental resources on making myself who I materially want to be (instead of taking time to read Scripture and applying it to myself), I don't care about other people enough to make them a part of my life (more robot-ness)... I'm like an iPhone and everything I'm searching for is a new app. Ooh, a new shirt. Ooh, a new attractive friend. Ooh, a new hip-looking Christian book I won't read. Ooh, a new silly band (ok, not really ;-) ). See? Factory customization. Add-ons.


It feels dead. And I'm not pitying myself when I say this. I just want you to see how messed up it is. I need people to understand me, to see the real me. I'm terrified of living a lie, so I self-disclose about all kinds of things; it's called being real.


Transition. So where do I want to go from here? I mentioned in the first paragraph that I have had a thought resurface for a while... the desire to just break free and be everything I cherish about myself musically, emotionally, mentally)... I want to be the best me, but I want it to not be about me, because if it was about me, I'd just be Oprah, or some celebrity. I want to find that hidden beauty in life that everyone's searching for, the kind that people think Oprah has. I thought I had found it with Christ, but I think I've only gotten a glimpse of it... I haven't chased and stolen it, in the most adventurous and romantic sense of the word. Does that make sense? It's like I just want to break free of everything that anyone expects me to be and just be me. I just want to be a "beautiful person", devoid of the cheesiness you would associate with a guy like me saying that.  Am I having a crisis of faith? No, I want to be loyal to a good God. 


But I am having a crisis of self-blandness, and it comes from following prescribed ways of Christian living without discovering who I am instead. Now, what I'm saying at first seems to sound like "focus on yourself, not God" talk, but it's not. The Gospel must stay central in my life. But something's gotta change for the better... something to do with how honest I am with myself (self-intimacy) and how well I share myself with and listen to the world (world-intimacy). Because in shutting out everything else and learning to value myself as a wonderful person, I'm discovering what makes it worth everyone's time for me to even be here. 


More on that in Part 2.

Old poem I wrote a while back about my salvation

I just found this on my Facebook while going through and deleting old stuff. Thought I'd keep it and share it.

______________________________________

Tumbling and falling from high above

Bruising my face on the rocks

I've seen the light and I've heard the call

I have a way out, my escape is here.

Addictively and sweetly drawn backwards and down

Faces in Heaven fall as I bury my head in the sand.

Sweet, sweet sand. Fine and soft... beckoning down

Into the depths, where I return.

Voices of comfort whisper to me in the darkness

In tones suave and powerful. Something inside

In anger returns a challenge angry and strong.

One choice lays before me, yet no time to choose.

Flight or fight, fight or flight,

Destined to lose either way. Ironic that I

Should grow and bloom in my youth yet fall

Into such decay, decline, and desolation.

I perceived myself as alone and in need

Anything seemed better than my wounded state.

Caught up in my pride, I elevated myself

And thought my case was the worst of all.

Yet I was not alone. Beneath my life and pain

Was a stirring both strange, yet familiar

I watched and I waited in ignorance and bliss

Hoping I could win my own wretched fate.

No reservations, no compromise!

Colors and life before my eyes

Soaring from far below to the sky

A love made itself known, for astounded, I

Was no longer alone! Nor never was!

Pried from my cross, and saved because

The Power of LOVE stole my breath

So His I am now, in life and in death.

The Glory of that moment condensed into One

As my heart skipped a beat and I realized He won!

Grasping the shaft of the cross that I bore

He broke it in two, nullifying my war.

The pieces aside, their power now dead,

There was love in His eyes that like fire burned red.

With passion and purpose, He turned and He ran

Down a path pre-prepared since the world began.

He beckoned to follow, so chase Him I did.

The demons and ghouls, for my soul, let them bid!

In joy and assurance, I simply don't care

And with evil behind, I soar in the air.

So together we walk in peace and as friends

Our love is eternal, it just never ends.

Without it, I lose and my mission is lost

Yet save me He did, no matter the cost!

Quick thought

I was just thinking and I realized that the few really spirit-filled people I know just go when God calls, and they don't hesitate to listen... they're just out doing God's work among any and everybody... 


And then I thought about people like me who sit back and critique everyone to death. Critiquing the method of spreading the Gospel, wrestling with questions, and problems, and just feeling completely defeated by the fact that I'm not outgoing, I'm not having an impact for Christ, I don't know anyone who will be willing to come to church with me. . I want to be someone who nonchristians and normal people want to hang out with... I do NOT want to encapsulate myself in this Christian bubble and render myself useless to a culture that needs people who understand them. 


My point is that even though working through the hard questions of being a Christian is good, I hate that it's so much of a drain on me that I don't seem to be getting anywhere. I feel lost when I see how several really spiritual people I know just live their lives completely..... Jesus-ified... and the questions of "how is best to reach Bible belt Christians" and any other tough question you can come up with doesn't hold them back... while it holds me back. What do I have to do to become more outgoing, to get people to come to church with me, to even want to bring others along? I spend my whole week thinking about me! I'm sick of it.


I read a quote in Blue Like Jazz today. Glad that finally something hit me hard.


"If I don't introduce people to Jesus, then I don't believe Jesus is an important person."


It's true. And I hate that in my heart I just don't care enough about it to change it. I hate being the type of person who started walking with Christ only to start living out my passion for Him years later. I hate being the type of Christian that people point at and say, "How typical."

Why God isn't boring

Well they showed you a statue, told you to pray!
They built you a temple and locked you away...
Aw, but they never told you the price that you pay
For things that you might have done.....

-Billy Joel, Only the Good Die Young

______________________________

The world looks on the Christian faith as boring. Now, we don't combat "boring" with "hip", though that's certainly a step in the right direction of being culturally relevant. We combat "boring" with Christ. If your church has lost its appeal to the world, consider that maybe we've lost the cross as the center of what we do. 

I just felt like tonight that I ought to make a point, and it relates to the song I quoted. The worst thing we could do is make Christianity a "Looney Tunes" religion, complete with angels and clouds we can sit on, and lots of mahogany harps. I don't know ANYONE who would wanna live anywhere like that. God did not incarnate himself, Christ, in human flesh to come and die so that we would think of him as a distant, boring God! I'm tired of bored faith, I'm tired of not bringing people into my church, I'm tired of being dominated by my routine and my wallet! I don't want to be another cheap American Christian! Our faith here in the States is pretty shoddy. If you think you know persecution, just drop yourself off in another country and talk to me in a month. Let me know how you feel. We don't have to deal with jack-diddly crap. 

I'm not saying I have all the answers. I just know that if I were Satan, I would try to make God (and everything that gives you strength as a Christian) to seem some sort of very distant, ethereal idea that you kinda go "yeahhhh...." about in your head but you never really connect, you never really understand, you never really *click* and become convicted of how your life needs to change! Just go ahead and take the VITAL things of God like his salvation, spiritual aid in the form of angels, and the Holy Spirit (which, need I remind you, is literally the King of the Universe inside you), and we take those things and we make them vague, glossy, pretty, Hallmark-card material that never is PRACTICAL and REAL enough for those things to come through for us. You let our friend die, our mom get hit by a drunk driver, and see if that kind of flowery, distant faith comes through for you. I guarantee you you're going to blame God, or worse, you'll keep quoting sentimental cliches like "Think happy thoughts" without having any REAL support or relationship, AKA, Christ. It's not a relationship if you holla at your boy only when life hates you. And so we put John 3:16 and our flowery Christian propaganda on our coffee cups without understanding that as sinners, we have blood on our hands but there is real, concrete help here for us. Don't fall in this trap. 

Ok. So as material beings trying to understand an inmaterial God, that problem is naturally going to happen. But there are things we can do so that we aren't singing about "feeling the brush of angel's wings" on Sunday, and yet Monday night, our distant view of a boring Heaven with harps (who plays THOSE?) isn't stopping us from having sex with our girlfriend.

1) God is not a robot. He has feelings, he wants a relationship with you (in other words, he's not just a homeboy you can tell off and he won't care). He burns for your loyalty. PRAY that unlike the sinners in Romans 1:26, he won't abandon you to your ignorance, but that he will continue to beat wisdom into your head until you care enough to spend time with him. Pray that the "passive wrath" of God won't befall you. More on this to come later.

2) The Pentecostals got at least one thing right: the Holy Spirit is worth listening to and communicating with. As Christians we are linked by blood and spirit to Christ, and his Father's very Spirit lives inside of us (if our hearts really have changed to love Jesus more than ourselves at all, that is). If this isn't amazing to you, you've clearly blown a fuse. So call me crazy, but if a God beyond Creation's comprehension gave me... um... HIMSELF to live inside me, that's worth going more nuts over than a bunch of mere people playing a football game. I have no idea where our passion is, that we can get so flustered over stuff like sports, and yet just feel reluctant to "get into it" when worshipping God when we all know he's real. I think about the times that I've felt distracted and disengaged in church, seeing later on that day as I'm yelling at a football game on my TV that my interest isn't really so much with God as I thought.

3) Prayer is your way of proving to God you care. He already knows what you're gonna pray... pray anyway. The only point in a sovereign God asking you to pray is that it proves you actually care to spend your time on him. He's not up there going "Sorry can you repeat that? I had 15 thousand angels trying to tell me stuff all at once and I didn't catch that." You can dare to believe in God's power. He is beyond anything we even know.

________

I am in seminary now. I have to labor and sweat to "want" to spend time with God in a relationship context instead of a textbook context. What is wrong with my heart?! Don't I know how much I need God? Don't I remember how depressed I was on October 29, 2007 when I was saved, and how terrified I was of the loneliness I felt? 

We all need God to come through for us. We're all messed up. Any sinner like you or me can see that. Just please, I beg of you, fight to remember the intimacy of God. Remember that he's right here and he wants you.

A Hopeful Crossroads in Life

Hey! So let me share what's going on in my life right now. From the start, this blog was supposed to be me revealing to you everything about me in my brokenness so that you will see (God willing) what it looks like for a sinner to stumble upon the flattering grace of God and remain humble about it. That's what it feels like... flattering. I don't deserve this love, guys... it flatters me that God cares about me.


I'm handling seminary online fairly well. Subtract the late-night Call of Duty sessions and add S.O.A.P. in the morning (see bottom of post), and thats what God wants of me, I know. 


The crossroads I speak of is this. I am growing sick of being known as "the downer" and the withdrawn kid who remembers painful memories more than the good ones. I have realized that I am at a point where I'm asking myself, who do I want to be? I think I started realizing this after listening to John Mayer's "Who Says". 

"Who says I can't be free, from all of the things that I used to be? 

Rewrite my history... who says I can't be free?" 

Everyone wants that! I'm emotionally needy, I'm vulnerable, and I'm aware I need God because of how wicked I am. I battle myself every day... and 99 percent of my problems are only problems because of how I respond to them. So I ask myself, can I really live my life letting this stuff get me down? Can all this really keep me in chains? How much longer can this really go on? I have hope in God, I know he comes through! I really don't believe that my life will be dominated by hopelessness much longer!

So I'm sick of staying in this position. Turning to what is wrong in me, I want a different life. I'm still a spoiled little white American Christian brat who loves money and attention. It's gotta stop. It's nothing but rot in my heart. God has changed SO much in me but he also calls for action, for obedience, and procrastination is NOT obedience. I want to see myself characterized by several things: 

• Giving money to my church so WE can have increased ability to bless our community.
• Not being tossed to and fro by my emotions, but instead tossed to and fro by the Holy Spirit. 
• Making real friends, and being deliberate in giving them my time. 
• Listening to God all day because I love to... not because it might make me "good". 
• Being aware that I can choose to make people happy or sad, and that others' emotions matter too... not just my own. Narcissism doesn't only come in obvious forms.

I love you guys. I'm real quiet, and socially withdrawn, and I really don't wanna be that way. I hate it... I want so much to spend time really getting to know my friends and anyone who desires that too. Help me get to know you, k? Don't think I'm not grateful for all you do. :) -G

____________________________________________________________

Afterthought. I plan on attending the S.O.A.P. meeting at Bojangles tomorrow morning at 7, Bojays on Arlington with Randy and JoMo, oh you know it, it's gonna be sweeeeeeeet

Actually it's going to be a really intimate time with God as I admit, in a spirit of chagrin, that I don't have it all together...  and as I ask him to please reveal more of himself to me in the Word. That's the point of the Bible... to learn more about God. Why am I so arrogant to claim to know the point of the Bible? Well, I'm not... but the Bible is all about God. Life is about nothing more than his glory. Whether you live or die, you will serve to show how utterly powerful he is. He has already won. So, if you want to know more about this God who wants your loyalty, ask me what times there are S.O.A.P. meetings and I'll let you know. I think it's a wonderful idea from a wonderfully different church who just wants to stay loyal to God out of the sheer joy of it. 

Relaxing in God's grace

Perhaps it sounds cliche. Maybe the reason for that is we as churchgoers have developed our own catchy phrases and lingo. But relaxing in God's grace is the best (and only) thing we can do.

I've had a stressful week prior to now. The seminary has a different online system from Blackboard, so I'm trying to figure that out, and one of my professors doesn't have everything up yet, so that was confusing me when I was trying to figure out what to study, and I had to drop my Hermeneutics class because it looked like it would literally be too much work. At least for an online class with which I have to hold myself accountable. Top that off with the fact that I sincerely began doubting if this is what I want to do with my life (that is, study my ass off to become somewhat of a Bible scholar). It was a scary feeling that hit me the other day... it pushed me emotionally away from God so that I didn't even want to seek Him for a good 3 days or so. I just felt completely overwhelmed with this feeling that I'm overstepping my abilities and desires to learn about God. I mean, we all say we love God, but who wants to write 5 papers per semester, per class, on random ancient topics? The scary realization was that I'm simply not that bright.

The upside (wow... I was just rereading that and that is depressing!) is that I woke up today feeling refreshed and happy. I got out of bed with the light coming through my windows with the forest twenty feet from my room, and it's just a really cool view. Lots of green. Keeps me mellowed out. And I got up at 9:40 AM, which is probably why I didn't feel like a sloth that had been beaten with a baseball bat, like I usually do. Sleeping too long sucks.

I've got to run up to Wake again today to return some books... I'm just in a difficult spot. More than anything I wanted to make it into ECU's Marriage and Family Therapy program. Who wants to be a 23 year old with a B.A. in something he can't use? My self-esteem is suffering right now because I lacked the assertiveness in college to call people and get an internship, which would have helped me get into grad school and possibly find a job around here, even a menial one. I'm just trying to relax and see that God loves me anyway and that I am growing up; it's just a slow, painful process... the prepubescent growing pains haven't stopped, they just changed form and now they're psychological, not physical.

New Hillsong Church in NYC

Hey you guys! I wanted to blog about something really interesting happening. Apparently, Hillsong has plans to plant a church in NYC!

I want to share some thoughts and reflection on this that have come to me since I found out about this a month ago. 

At first, I was pumped... because this is a really big deal. But I began to ask myself why I was excited about it... and it dawned on me that I have been caught up in the hype of a huge, successful church organization and forgotten about all the small, local churches in NYC who have been making the message of Christ their mission during the last century. 

I want to stop and just thank the bigger churches in NYC like Redeemer, and the smaller churches in NYC like Bethel Gospel Assembly. Thanks for bleeding and sacrificing and suffering well for the cause of Christ. You impressed me with your love for Christ and how real you are about loving people well.

Is anything wrong with Hillsong? Not at all. They are one of the most Spirit-driven churches around, it seems. My point is that it's easy to flock to the churches with the best bands, the biggest bucks, etc (because it's exciting!)... and to forget about the ones that are struggling to pay their operating costs. These local churches in NYC deserve a huge honor for the work they've done. 

So my thoughts changed from admiring Hillsong to feeling almost critical of them for doing what seemed to be "throwing fists of money" into NYC to create another successful American church. But don't get upset... I changed my mind.

When I saw this video, I realized that Hillsong's leadership and people have a vision that is Gospel-centered... not success-centered, not entertainment-driven. And I felt a new respect for them. So in essence, I went from being a fan (but only for the hype), to being a critic (because I'm critical of money-stuffed megachurches), to being a fan again (because I see they have the right heart about this venture. 

Here's the VIDEO I just saw. God bless you guys. Thanks for reading. 

Tips for new Twitter users

Tips for Tweeting 

1) Don't tweet everything. (Like when you use the bathroom)

2) Your internal monologue is where you find your tweet material. 

3) Don't tweet if you couldn't say it in front of your girlfriend.

4) Don't tweet about work. 

5) Tweet like you get paid to do it. 

6) Tweet about your favorite places to eat, go, etc. (Peeps like to know) 

7) Follow your local news on Twitter. 

8) Tweet the word "sexy" at your own risk... crazy people will start following you. 

9) Block fake twitter accounts posing as temptuous women... they're probably fake accounts. 

10) Tweet your political views only rarely... and add humor to prove your point. Keep Twitter a lighthearted place. 

11) When you link Twitter to Facebook, more people read your tweets than you think. (Be careful what you tweet)

12) Don't be afraid to unplug from it all once a week or so. (It's easy to become obsessed with what others think... and just tweet all the time to constantly get attention)

Hope this helps!

update on my life

Hi all! I have not been a faithful blogger. But I wanted to update you on some things in case you didn't already know. 


I got into seminary at Southeastern in the town of Wake Forest! That means the first year I will be doing it online and living here in Greenville, because I signed a lease before I ever thought of going to seminary. And I don't feel like backing out on good friends when that would mean they'd be responsible for paying my portion.


Everything else is pretty much the same. Off and on I have trouble with my back... please pray for that. Pray that I would be diligent about my rehab and that the core issues with my back would be resolved and corrected. I need this... I need my life back. 


I just got Alex Denning to make a blogger profile but Safari crashed and he lost it. He'll do it later. 


When it comes to being single, I'm back and forth, but I'm leaning towards content, right now. I'm more than willing to be patient if it means waiting for the right girl. Amazing all the bullcrap people feed you about "being a virgin is harmful to your psychological well-being." If I had ever had sex, especially with any of the crazies I dated, I promise you I'd be one MESSED UP kid. I had enough issues that I needed to pray through for years, even without that problem. Adding that bond to a kid who grew up clingy, and that would have made me go off the deep end. 


Anyhow. Thank you for reading! Thank you for following me on Twitter as well. I'm elated that so many of you think I'm funny. I think I am too sometimes. I just get these thoughts and I go with it. I could never be a comedian... but life is just funny sometimes, don't you agree? And I have funny friends that allowed my sense of humor to develop and take form. Thanks guys. 


Thanks for being my friends. I realize I can be critical and sarcastic sometimes. I've been confronted on it. Sometimes I'm the only one who thinks a statement is funny. I shall be more wise with my tongue next time. 


My hope is that I can be more real with everyone and live to please God, not myself. Being a suburb kid is a deadly thing. I don't want to live insulated from reality forever. In terms of my faith, let's just say that I'm very much snuggled up in my routine and that I don't really want anything major to change right now. Pray my heart is broken for my neighbors here in America that rot slowly in the dark away from the life God gives. I feel like my mission field is here. 


But anyway. Love Christ. That's all I ask. Love you guys. -G

Could video games be ministry?

I've heard that some have tried to use their xbox subscription to the glory of God by evangelizing online during a video game match. A lot of people think that's absurd. However, because I like to look at both sides of an issue, I'm not going to immediately condemn it. But I do have some thoughts that I think give some insight into this subject.

I was thinking today about how my little brother and I play online and how it never really brings us together. Let me explain.

He misses me a lot. I'm often away from home for long periods of time, so I can see why. He also plays video games a lot, so that's a great opportunity to hang out with him, right?

Well, I'm beginning to think differently. The very nature of the games we play, such as COD 4 Modern Warfare, are such that several things happen in the game that actually keep us "apart" the whole time we're playing together. Literally, the very nature of the game separates us even though we're trying to spend some time together.

Here's what I mean.

Problem One. I die a lot in Call of Duty. Fact. That means that even if I can find my bro in the game, and I try to fight alongside him, I don't last long. Then I get spawned again, this time across the map, so I have to spend the majority of my time in cyberspace actually "away" from my brother, trying to get to him, when the whole point is to be "with" him playing this game.

Problem Two. We're not in the same room, we're in opposite sides of the house, playing in the same match. Problem is, even though we have headsets to talk to each other, that's the only real thing about my brother that I'm getting to encounter in this game. And you know boys. We don't talk much... we just shoot things.

So maybe if it were Nintendo Wii, or if we were playing splitscreen, then I'd actually get to sit in the same room as him and do something fun that makes us laugh together. I've been hoping for another way to connect to my brother besides this... because really, the way it feels when we're done playing, is very, very unfulfilled. I don't feel like I've seen my brother at all, or enjoyed any time with him. It's really robbed me of getting to joke around and laugh with him. You know, doing stuff that makes memories, that we all love doing. Cause who doesn't love hanging out? It's just meaningless. You just play and then you're done, and what do you get to keep? What about your videogame endures beyond you turning off the console? Are you finding your self-worth in what achievements you've earned on XBOX Live? Talk about sad!

So the next time he asks me if I can play Call of Duty, I have to wonder... what are some other things we could do that would actually make us feel like we spent time together? Makes me sound like a goody-goody nerd who writes self-help books, but I don't care. I'm not.

So I have to question anyone who says they're trying to talk about Jesus while people are busy blowing each others' heads off. Not very many videogame players are thinking about how unfulfilled they are while they are playing, but instead after they play. Your online presence has little affect on anyone. It's a waste of time... because it's not real.

One quick note

I would like to point out that in my previous post I left out the fact that the wrath of God is not always passive (abandoning us to our sin) but sometimes it is indeed active (Sodom and Gamorrah, and Aaron's sons dying after touching the Ark). In the New Testament it can even be seen when believers take Communion without reconciling themselves to their brothers... in so doing, they drink God's judgement upon themselves, according to Paul. So God doesn't always leave us alone. But when He does, that's in a way scarier than fire and destruction because we're left alone to sin and become more and more blind.

When God says "Whatever"

I just noticed that Proverbs 1:31 and Romans 1:24 are about the same exact thing. When we ignore God's input, He abandons us to our desires and things get really dark. That's what's so scary: we're left to our own lawlessness and its ill effects when we walk outside of the design for how things SHOULD work.

I have been refreshing my mind with the wisdom of Matt Chandler recently and I remember him saying in one podcast that in reference to Romans 1, when mankind turns away from Him and worships itself and the creation over the Creator, God's response is not instant lightning bolts and death, although we do see that plenty in the days before the new Covenant. God's response is often, "ok." He abandons us to our shameful desires and all forms of sin that we champion as "our way" and "our life". When we hold no regard to what our holy God wants for us, and ignore Scripture that so clearly tells us the desires of God, we spit in His face.

Isaiah 45:19 says that God "publicly proclaims bold promises; He does not whisper obscurities in some dark corner so that no one can understand what He means; He would not have told His people to seek Him if He could not be found". So, when we claim that "oooh God didn't say I couldn't do it so I'm gonna do it and get away with it", and you haven't even read the Bible to make sure, what a joke you are! Small reward people like you will reap when you are content to let your faith get no larger than the distance from your TV to the dusty Bible on your nightstand. The world blasphems the name of God because of people with shallow faith. Again, just quoting Scripture here.

Back to the topic. If we do not listen to the voice of Wisdom, shouting in the streets as in Proverbs 1, then we are lost to our own devices and desires (which always, eventually bring us down).

So does God never rebuke and lead us to repentance? Of course He does! But sometimes He abandons us to our own devices so that we can realize how much we need Him.

The Dating Question

It has been almost a year since I have dated. Usually about a year happens between each one... but this time, there's no time limit. It's whatever. I'm not looking for just fun, I'm looking for a wife, and I'm tired of the games people play. 

In the past, I have been clingy, emotionally unstable, judgemental, and probably lots of other negative things. I could spill the ugly details of a young man's confused struggle towards righteousness, but I'll spare you.

I just want to say that historically I have struggled with the "need" for someone special in my life. I've just always felt like I need her. And in some respect, I do. We all long to be understood and affirmed for who we want to be. It's just that now, I know that no amount of control I can exert on my life to "meet the right lady" or "pull off some slick moves" will achieve my dreams exactly the right way. 

What is the right way? Is it something that I can just think up? Or is that something hidden in the mind of God? Maybe I should stop "doing life" the way I think inside the box, and actually pay attention to what God is saying to me through His Word. Maybe I'm single for a reason. Maybe I need to learn how to be happy with myself and by myself before I can satisfy anyone else! Maybe the question is not whether the Bible is relevant, but rather when I'm going to realize it is!

People... just wake up. Love is... so amazing, it really is. But if you chronically pine away, wondering who the next new sexy "her" or "him" will be... you probably aren't making God your whole pursuit. I know this about myself... that I love women more than I love God sometimes. 

Just remember that. I love each and every one of you because Christ wants me to and He puts that desire in me. Love has way too much meaning for us to sit and play with it like it's a toy. 1 Corinthians 13.  

Love is SO much more than a game.

Judgementalism in Dexter's Lab

I have heard examples lately of Christians who hear ONE thing about someone, Christian or not, and they prejudge them, avoiding them or acting a certain way from that point on.

Jesus did not die for you so that you could judge and avoid other people, churches, pastors, political opponents, etc. If you claim to be so serious about the cross, then listen to what I'm saying and stop being so petty. I have a hard time understanding how people who have grown up around the cross for 20 years still have no patience with sinners, or even their brothers and sisters in Christ. If you can't tolerate sinners, that's a sin in itself; if you can't tolerate certain Christians, what is wrong with you?

This is going to be an awkward transition because the analogy that popped into my head was much more lighthearted and comical. I think it still fits. There was an episode of Dexter's Lab once, a long time ago. Deedee, the little sister, was annoying the crap out of Dexter, because she just wanted to show him something. Dexter, in the meantime, refused, because he didn't care and was very annoyed. He refused, based on his judgement of her, and he closed his mind to her.

Deedee was bugging Dexter the ENTIRE episode to just stop and pay attention to her for one minute so that she could show him something. Dexter avoided Deedee the whole time up until the very end. After a lot of nagging, Dexter finally blew up and said "All right Deedee, what is it you want to show me?" or something like that. She showed him her trick (which I think involved a jump rope and some other stuff). Dexter was actually impressed! He said "SAY, THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD! Well, I'll be seein' ya!" Then he waves at her with a smile and they both smile and part ways, and the episode ends. 

I may not be the best at making analogies here, but maybe there's something here that we could take away. I suffer from a judgemental heart too, so God was speaking to me as much as you when He reminded me of this. Dexter, just like you and I, shut out the person/people in his life that annoyed/vexed/drove him crazy. He shut them out, secluded in his own little bubble, his own little world. But Deedee persisted, and finally he listened! How long is it going to take before we shut up and stop listening only to ourselves? How long is it going to take before we stop, question ourselves, and listen to outsiders to the faith? For the sake of changing our doctrine to be more universalist? Absolutely not! But for the sake of showing that you actually care. These very people that drive you up the wall could be the very people that God wants you to warm to, and give you practice at humility instead of superiority. I'm talking about political enemies. I'm talking about the annoying girl in your class. I'm talking about the pastor you think has sold his soul to the devil just because he tries to make church fun by having a band and a few lights. God forbid we actually try to keep people awake on Sunday...

I think it's fitting that Deedee kept bugging Dexter. Frequently, outsiders are more patient with us than we ever are with them! And I think it's fitting that Dexter was actually pleased afterwards, even joyful. The joy that comes from actually living out a compassionate lifestyle [characterized by consistent listening]... is frankly, something that I think very few of us live.

Afterthoughts: on a separate note

P.S.: "compassion", when broken down into root words, means "to suffer with". Are you willing to listen to others who need help, even when it is not convenient?