My life right now

Today I met and talked with two really good friends I'd trust with anything. They mean so much to me... we all feel lost or at least I do about what to do about a career and a future and direction. Life just has been getting us down and it's a whole lot more than that but it's not just a phase it's more like a maze and we can't seem to get out or every time we do we just get pulled back in. I don't know.

I'm just not happy lately. I can't pretend that I am. I mean, sometimes I really am! But not all the time. I feel like a lot of Christians advertise that it should be that way, that life should be great and if it's not then something must be wrong with you. And that when someone's down, you should slap em with a helpful comment like "I'll pray for you" as if that comment's enough.

I usually label myself as depressed. Every time I do though, it's always because at that moment it feels better to feel sorry for myself and call myself that. That way I get a label that gives me sympathy. But the truth is that I can always trace it back to some life situation that needs to be given to Christ or some thought pattern that is not "fixing our eyes on heavenly things" as is recommended in Scripture. Like ruminating on a girl I lost.

So what I'm going to do is this. I'm not going to call myself depressed. I'm not saying I won't seek medication or that it's wrong. But as soon as I say that I'm depressed, I'm affixing on myself a permanent stamp and makes me feel worse.

I don't know if I'll always struggle this hard or not. But the point is, do I want God to let me out of this prison so I can enjoy my life and get what I want (happiness)? Or do I really just want the genuine company of God, even if it means being depressed and never being happy again?

I'm not going to ask that God take it away. I'm not going to cry for relief like a spiritual baby. I've been around, I know it's time to grow and I feel the growing pains emotionally. Instead, I want, as I always have, to seek something radical and different. What I'm NOT going to do is renew my strength with a religious experience and burn out a week later. What I AM going to do is seek the company of God and delight in Him instead of trying to just get what I want and be happy. And I may have to withdraw. I missed small group tonight so I could have a chance to talk. Besides, it's not good to bring a bad attitude into a meeting. I went to church this morning and everyone was like "dude, you ok?" One guy said hey to me and just walked off after that cause he knew I wasn't ok. It wasn't a good situation to be in. As it was, I learned from the sermon and got to talk with a few friends about it which helped.

I'm just ready to pick a side on this. Do I see myself as permanently depressed or do I see it as situational? Am I going to be broken in such a way that I'm begging to be fixed, or am I going to be content in my discontent, knowing God is enough?

What is this "sin" thing?

JEREMIAHHHH WUZZ A BULLLFRAAWWWG...

Jeremiah 30: 12-15 says this:

12"This is what the Lord says: Yours is an incurable bruise, a terrible wound. 13There is no one to help you or bind up your injury. You are beyond the help of any medicine. 14All your allies have left you and do not care about you anymore. I have wounded you cruelly, as though I were your enemy. For your sins are many, and your guilt is great. 15Why do you protest your punishment - this wound that has no cure? I have had to punish you because your sins are many and your guilt is great."

This explains this whole "sin" thing very well. Here are the core bullets behind what he's saying. Sin is:

-incurable
-we have no help
+because no one cares
+and because no one CAN help.
+therefore we are alone and isolated, except for God
-our sin makes us deserving of punishment
+because the wages of sin is death.

No one can influence your soul but God, because we're isolated like I said above. Christ stood by who He said He was, so that you might believe in what He said. He took His claim to the grave with Him. The magnitude of the claim is such that you cannot afford to ignore it. If you don't believe Christ is the Son of God, then you had better be 100% sure that He doesn't exist before you say that. The magnitude of the claim is huge! I'm quoting Tim Keller here.

Today is The Day

Today is the day. The first Crusade meeting. Because of the number of contacts collected, we're going to have a room that is filled to overflowing. The regular upperclassmen attending may not even be able to fit inside because of all the new freshmen. I hope that God brings in a net full of such fish, overflowing with them.

Pray this with me please, for the sake of us being used to spread Christ's kingdom:

Dad, we've got a lot of new people here, people with traumas and issues and strengths and weaknesses. They're not just souls, they're beings with stories. Tonight they're coming to Crusade not really knowing what to expect. God, we want so bad to reflect Your blazing glory to them so that they come back wanting more. Season our conversation with salt (grace) so that they come back thirsty, thirsty for the living Water of your Word. I pray that no matter which ministry they settle down in, if at all, that you work in their hearts. Your kingdom is invincible, and the war has already been won. The winner is predetermined, and it's You. So help us to remember we work for the Victor and we live and breathe heavenly success. I want these men to know that there is more out there for them than a stinking paycheck and a beautiful woman. And I want the women to know that they don't have to spend their college years trying to find acceptance and beauty in temporary things. Turn the rusty gears of spiritual development here and teach us to voluntarily oil them every day. Send a sturdy and confident band of angels to free these freshmens' minds up so they're not being distracted by the glitz of Satan... for one hour tonight. We believe in Your power, and our faith helps us know your angels exist and are fighting for us in real life tonight. We're all working together and all honored to be Your children. Thank you for being who You are. Bless your Crusade you've called together, and please, my Lord and Savior, make our behavior beautiful so they only see the truth about You.

AMEN.

P.S.: Steve from Discovery calls God "Dad" and I kinda liked that. -G

Burn with me!

Don't settle for less. Don't shy away from God's calling, which quite possibly is going to be hard for you. You will be rewarded beyond what you can imagine, whether in this life or the next. Don't think your judgment is inherently right. Put no confidence in human understanding, and instead fix your eyes on heavenly things. Put no faith in humans, for their word is useless. Challenge yourself to grow and stop quibbling about the wounds you have suffered at the hands of your friends and associates. Don't be surprised they have failed you and have messed up in the most inconvenient way possible and alienating people. Only Christ is your friend, and your love for Him should make your love for anything else look like neglect and hate. Read this poem I wrote:
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Burn with a passion, with fierce delight!
With knowledge, conviction we'll stand in the night
And though we doth bleed from gash and from wound
Never again will we be marooned.

You've heard it before, I dare say, and I do!
But nevertheless I say it to you
For some have lost vision and lowered their gaze
From excellent goals that don't cease to amaze.

They prefer to collapse under pressure and scorn
And turn from a challenge, but still they feel torn.
They have lost the thrill of losing it all...
They say they're for Christ, but they've hit a wall.

Is it not hardship that makes us strong?
Isn't it tests that prod us along?
We learn when we do what we think we cannot
When the burden is heavy, ask for more on the spot! -G

War... is it the problem, or only a symptom?

I just realized something, We hope for world peace but it's def not gonna happen until the spiritual wars causing it all have ceased. People will not have peace inside until the spiritual realm has run its course and the end of Time comes. Nothing will change until then. What we see happening is a result of what is going on spiritually within their souls. Islam is the peak of human self-righteousness because it provides a way through which we can get to God by what we do. That's just one example, and it leads to Jihad. I haven't read the Koran, but I'm guessing that the Muslims who don't practice Jihad simply are the Muslim equivalent of lukewarm Christians.

OAR paddleshow in Cary, NC

Saw OAR in Cary, NC... Awesome show, but the stiff crowd sucked! I'd rather have potheads, at least they'd enjoy the show!

Fish in the Sea

When it comes to girls,

Sure there are plenty of fish in the sea.

But... a lot of them are piranhas.

I think I'm going for a nice dolphin, myself. I don't know about you.

I salute you, my friends

Hi, I just want to say that though I'm not feeling 100%, or even 50%, I appreciate you praying for me. Many of you know I've been struggling with feelings of depression and have offered consolation to me, if even via text. I just want to say that I'm hanging in there but only because of two things... (1) I want to live long enough to have a wife and experience love in that regard, and (2) because God keeps me alive and sustains me, his lost child. I've been wandering for some time now. Pray that I find my home in Christ the Rock. Pray that I can "walk on water" rather than feeling like I can barely keep my head above it. It is a very heavy feeling that weighs on me, and very dark. It is not all the time, but it is a threat. I'll keep you posted...

And thanks for complementing me on keeping my blog updated. I'm glad you've enjoyed reading it. The pleasure is mine. -G

Some people never change

My first ex-girlfriend texted me tonight and asked how I was.
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Her: Well helloooo
Me: Hey how're you
Her: Doing fine, how are you?
Me: working a lot, beach tomorrow with some friends
Her: That sounds good, ill have to go back to the beach once more b4 school
Me: You gotta love it
Her: Yes u do, are you done with school?
Me: one more semester, then maybe grad school
Her: Grad school for what?
Me: i was thinking marriage/family therapy but not sure. And my advisor doesn't tell me what to look ahead for so i'm figuring this stuff out on my own too late
Her: Haha yeah
Me: I think I missed the GRE deadline but not sure. My advisor won't respond to my email. So, screw it who cares. I'll figure it out
Her: Yep aint that the way. Word
Her: FYI: my 21st birthday party is this weekend and you're definitely not invited
Me: lol ok
Her: Also, have you ever been to blues night at tiebreakers in greenville?
Me: No
Her: Tuesdays starting at 9, i think u'd enjoy it and the place is smoke free :)
Me: Thanks
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It normally would have bothered me, but I'm over this. I guess I'm blogging about it because of that reason. But can you believe what she said? That's so High School!

Backstory here: her last birthday which she invited me to, she acted all drunk and flirty with me and other people the whole time and I didn't like it. I had been trying to get over her. Considering that I was trying to do that, it was a really rude thing for her to do. So afterwards in no uncertain terms, I let her know I hated it. And since then she hasn't forgiven me for screwing up her birthday night. Not that I really care at all anymore.

BE DELICIOUS

Hey people, just wanted to say today was pretty stable, didn't feel too down. I was really busy. I pressure washed a shed, primed two chairs which took forever, spent time with the gramps, came to greenville, watched District 9 with friends, and talked with a friend until 2:30. Building rounds at the Tower are always a thrill. Anyway, this blog is about an ad I found tucked in my News and Observer I bought the other day cause it had a cool pic of marines on it. Here's the ad picture below.


Now I'm gonna relate this to Wild at Heart and just say something about women. Not all women are beauty-focused. Some are very performance/business-oriented. I think though, in their heart, deep down though buried, all women desire the desiring of their beauty. At least, that's in WAH (Wild at Heart). That is their innermost desire. Men desire to prove they are truly men, and competent; women desire to be sought and validated for how exotic and beautiful they are. I say exotic because women are the pinnacle of creation. They were made last. Creation got more complex, more beautiful as time went on. Man was God's last creation, but wait... then He made woman.

He made men and women in His image. This is not a physical image because God has no body. What we're talking about here is personality and heart. God is a warrior. "The Lord is a Warrior, the LORD is His name." He jealously fights for us throughout Time. But God also desires the pursuit and enjoyment of "His" own beauty. These two sentences represent the male and female attributes of God.

Now I'll explain the ad. "Be delicious." I have a bone to pick with the media and society... they make bucks by telling women this: "No, you're not good enough, but here's something that will make you beautiful." It's in makeup, perfumes, plastic surgery, clothes, purses, whatever. Accessorize right and you're suddenly a star for the day. But on your own, you're boring.

I just want to say that this is not wholesome. Girls grow up with this message and they become anorexic (you're not beautiful enough, lose weight) or they become so self-focused they turn into kissing queens and sex kittens (your beauty isn't worth anything unless you give it up to some dude).

Women, girls, listen up. You were made by the most beautiful being in the universe... God. And He considers you beautiful enough inside and out that He pursues you and wants you to live with Him forever. Now, a lotta guys only want it for a one-night stand. But God's not afraid of long-term commitment and He's not after your body. He wants your life, everything. Your beauty is not the sum of your hair or skin color. Neither is my strength the sum of my biceps. Your beauty is tied up in the fact that you are woman. A whoa-man! The last of creation. Nothing could be more breathtaking than being comfortable with who you naturally are.

So go ahead... "be delicious". But not by believing that something else can make you that way. Remember the seductive beauty in your heart as a woman, and know that God put it there because you are literally His best. Who can top that?

how I'm doing

I can't think about my depression without literally having my hands shake, I can't think happily about stuff I just can't but then it goes away and I can, it's unpredictable. I have to do something about this. There's just no friends who can help me by talking with me unless I'm there in person. I know God takes things away like girlfriend and money etc to keep you from getting distracted but this is extreme and how I'm taking it is too horribly

Simon Cowell's Success Marred By 'Dark Moods' And Depression

I'm posting this because this is weirdly just like what I go through. Also, the post date is my birthday. Weird.
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May 24th, 2009 12:30pm EDT

Simon Cowell can't fully enjoy his superstar lifestyle - he is cursed by "dark moods" which make him "totally miserable". The music mogul has experienced huge success throughout his career as an industry executive and TV personality, helping to mastermind small screen hits including American Idol, America's Got Talent and Britain's The X Factor.

And despite a life of luxury, with an estimated $180 million fortune, Cowell admits he is prone to bouts of depression and irritability that lead him to locking out all the people closest to him.

He tells Britain's Daily Mail, "If I went to a psychiatrist, it would be a long session. I've always thought that I do have a number of issues that probably need dealing with, because I am quite odd in some ways. I get very dark moods for no reason. Nothing in particular brings it on. You can be having the best time of your life and yet you're utterly and totally miserable. I get very anti-social, depressed and irritable with people. I don't have time for them. I can't make phone calls and stuff. I just sit on my own for days. I'm not sitting in a darkened room rocking. Things might have gone really well and then I torture myself. I cannot believe it. I have to find something to make me miserable.

"I get to points in my life where I sometimes think I'm never going to be happy. Someone said to me recently, 'You're like a human buffet table. Everyone comes and takes something from you and, at the end, there's nothing left.'"

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I find benefit in self-disclosing that I struggle with this. It helps me relieve some tension. Mainly, though, I just think it'd be fitting to give you a picture of what it feels like for me. I actually heard this on the radio and googled it using some of the words I remembered. What sucks is, right as they were wrapping up this celeb gossip, they put on Pink's song about "you're hot and you're cold, you're yes and you're no"... as if not even the depressed are safe from the media pointing fingers and laughing.

Reflections in the night, poem.

If you know what this poem's about, don't take it too seriously. I was working through my feelings tonight and this is what came out of it. A walk through my feelings. Let me know what you think. I think it's very glorifying to God and not at all defined by misery because it points to how I focused on Him tonight and ended up calm and reassured in several ways. It helped me, as was its purpose.
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What makes me stand, what makes me fall?
What makes me continue to give it my all?
What can convince me to ditch all my pride
And hang on for one rocky emotional ride?

Am I at peace, or a loaded gun?
I'm locked down and chained and have nowhere to run.
You can tell me I'm Saved and it's cool, no regrets
But that don't calm the storms inside of my chest.

There are so many things that I wanted to say
And enjoy and endure and be carried away
But time pleases no one for long, said the Man
And it don't pay to cling to your sweet, selfish plans.

Explain: can chains bind me not one time, but ten?
I lose that small, golden key now and again
And in hope for a new thrill and deeper connection
I plunge blind into webs of ceaseless deception.

When did it happen, when did it come?
It came when I thought that without you, I'm done.
No, you weren't the cause of deception above...
Instead Satan planned and he fooled us with love.

What kind of label fit just how I felt?
Electrically charged and quite helter-skelt.
"Attached" and "addicted" depleted my wit
But "selfish" I choose as the best word to fit.

Look at your life, George, remember your worth.
It was not long ago you received a new birth!
Come now, remember, I'm Father and Son
Not a weak, little Helper who's simply no fun.

You can cry all you want to, sure, pain is legit!
But instead of this pitiful sham of a skit
You can live a real life with passion inside
And such that you simply won't want it to hide!

What will you find? Only Time will tell.
Surely and truly you must'nt want Hell!
It may be a woman, or not! Do not fear
You mustn't control what you hold to most dear.

For though you did fail and your "fool" won out
You shouldn't forget what it IS all about.
It is Me and the choice of what you love most
So pick Me, dear boy, or you surely shall roast.

So laugh! And now rise, for in humor I jest
To put sparkle in your eye and a flame in your chest.
Now delighted, at peace, and so happily caught
You will surely receive what your heart has sought.
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Don't steal this please, if you think anything of it as being a good poem.

Don't be a Porn Again Christian

If you have a little thing with porn and you want to deal with it but feel unequipped or you just don't know what to do, read "Porn Again Christian" by Mark Driscoll. It's online and it's free, it's just a PDF file so it's pretty as a picture. Wow... no pun intended.

This will equip you to know what's really going on in your situation and it will give you wisdom. And if you don't struggle, still read it. It'll equip you to help your friends. It doesn't just talk about porn, it talks about lots of stuff. It's one of those key books I hold highly. It's very enlightening about what's really going on in our world and nation. And in your mind and soul.

Here's the link.

http://relit.org/porn_again_christian/toc.php

Wifey and Hubby

I think the invention of these words has only served to highlight how we as a society don't treat marriage as seriously as we should. Not saying that those who say it are immature, I just don't like those words. I'd rather not use a little kid word to describe my wife when I could call her something like "my lovely". At least something a little more profound. It's almost like people test out marriage and play around, almost like playing house. You be wifey and I'll be hubby. We'll test this out for a while, live together. We'll see how much we like it after a year.

One reason we don't give marriage as much thought is because as a culture and society we're pretty bad about reading the Word. I remember many times people have told me (even amatuer Christians) "well the Bible doesn't say anything about getting drunk." Don't replace the Bible's truth with your conjecture. Until you read the Word, you might not have any idea.

Other reasons include a sexually focused society (therein being inherently selfish, because it's all about pleasing me me me). But I'm not gonna go into that right now. I imagine you already know. -G