Wild at heart.

I missed church, both in the morning and at night. It was accidental. But that's no shame to me, because I was in Bryant Park from about 1 pm to 5:45 just taking pictures and then sitting, reading Wild At Heart. For those of you who don't know, it's a book that explains what goes wrong with a man and... everything about us. How to break us, how to fix us. I've learned so much truth from this book. I read about a fourth of it today in the park. I could go into all kinds of detail, but I'm not going to. To do so would be exhausting. But I was nurtured today by the Spirit, sitting there thinking, reading, and underlining. As well as taking notes. I've completely marked up the second half of the book cause that's when I REALLY started reading it. No matter who you are as a man, you should read it. And if you're a female, read it to understand men. Only after you've read Captivating, the companion book, for women.

It sounds cheesy. It sounds like a cookie-cutter approach to helping people. "Get fixed". It's not about an instant cure. You will learn SO MUCH from this book that will change how and what you think, but not because of any external approach. It will open your eyes and awaken the desires of your heart to know God's will, your proper place, and most enjoyably though arduously, how you must win a woman's heart.

The book explains what they want and need. It explains that before you seek and fight for a woman, you must first confront your own internal wounds. We all have them. They fuel the facade that makes up our sinful existence. If we don't face them, we will forever be abandoning the greater part of our strength and avoiding battles that must be fought and won if we are to grow and find out our true identity as people and as servants of Christ.

So yes, I felt very close to God today. Since I left the park I have still been fighting back tears because of the connections I've made in my mind between truth and my reality. If your "spiritual experience" is void of emotionality towards God, then you have religion, not relationship. Rules, not a love exchange.

God said a lot to me. I saw this girl in the park who I thought was pretty, which happens inevitably and constantly, because I am a male and I am attuned to physical beauty. That is my design. I realized this is why God made us this way; because males are attuned to physical beauty, they are given the role of assertiveness and pursuing the female. Females are attracted to emotional beauty, or personality, which helps them discern which male would be the best at heart. Unfortunately, they overlook the wounds and flaws in the male, and they get hurt. Read the book and you'll read about that. Anyway, I thought this girl was kinda pretty, and then God said something through me, which was this.

"You can not make me more of a man than I already am."

This was me, in my head speaking to the girl of course. It came from God, conveyed through the truth in this book. After filling my head with it and having my mind dwell on spiritual things for a few hours and of my own volition, it happened a lot. Today was a great day, it really was.

But back to my quote. It relates to how men look for a woman that will make them feel like a man, not challenge them to be one. What you, as a male, rather experience? Having Jessica Alba throw herself at you, or having her threaten to spread a rumor you're gay when you won't sleep with her? Vivid and provoking analogy, to say the least, but it's a good picture of the level of challenge we males feel when we have to choose between abandoning our real strength (the easy choice, sex) or keeping it (the hard choice, standing your ground on Christ the rock). The book explains how we either abandon or hold on to our strength, the strength that God imbued into us as men.

So ultimately in my head, I prevailed but ONLY because Christ has shown me that a woman will not make me a man. I must first address my inner wounds, find my strength, and then pursue her. I'm not sure who she is yet, but that hardly matters at this point. I have to face my past first.