Almost back from Alabama

About to go to bed... long day. Met a friend of my dad, along with his wife, and toured Clemson area with them. I was really impressed with that area... I wish I'd given them thought when choosing which college to go to.

I haven't been handling stuff well today. I learned many things from project, including that I need time to myself. So when I don't get that time, I start going crazy. Feeling weird, and just not having a clear head. It's really strange. But I feel like a cornered animal at those times... and usually I get enough time to myself that that feeling doesn't come up but it started last semester when I really realized that I spend WAY too much time with friends being a groupie and a "cool popular person" when I need to shut up and get in touch with my Big King Daddy God over here who's been tapping on my shoulder to turn around. Summer project left me with little alone time and once again I had to forcefully wrench myself away to just deal with my emotions and develop my emotional intimacy with Him.

The past 6 weeks have been wonderful for me. But I think that I'm slipping. Slipping in this way: Although I read a ton about the Truth and whatever, I don't actually develop that emotional connection on a ONE on ONE basis with my Lord. It's really making me isolated... and more open to being hurt in every way. Things that wouldn't hurt me as much are getting to me now. Or perhaps drifting away from Christ in this relational sense has only brought me closer to Satan's thoughts whispered in my ears. I've been having a lot of such attacks this whole summer. In fact, I'm gonna go ahead and admit it... I'm an emotional guy. One of my friends seems to say I am a lot. Perhaps because he's seen a lot of it. I wish I could feel superior to him (because I am older, and because I have remnants of pride). Hopefully confessing that helps. Funny how someone years younger, as long as they're taller than you, can still dominate you socially. No I'm not talking about you Brad... although you do fit the bill too.

Pride is definitely my worst sin. It's my thing. I used to think I was better than other people because I didn't sin. Or at least, I didn't do the really bad ones. Like sex, drugs, or the f-word. You know, things that would disinherit you in the South. Hahaha, that's actually kinda funny...

But pride. The Prodigal God, an aforementioned book in my blog, explains that we must not only confess our sin, but also our righteousness, because the reasons we had for doing the right thing could have been skewed. Especially if we were not saved before the present point.

We all have probably tried to use God to get what we want. I just wanted to be the best person I could so that I could get to Heaven and not have to deal with searing flames and gnashing of teeth and all that weird scary sketchy stuff in Hell. That good behavior would have saved me... I thought. But even IF my good behavior could have saved me, it wouldn't have been for the right reasons! I was only skipping out on drugs, sex etc because I thought it elevated me in God's eyes and made me "closer" to being a Christian.

Funny how when we don't read the Bible, we end up making up our own religions we call Christianity.

My religion gave me ample time to change (I mean, after all, if grace is free, I can keep messing around for a while, right?) But of course that neglects the cost. Grace is free enough, for us yes, but for God it had quite a cost! So I was actually just using God to get what I wanted: more time, and permission to do what I wanted because of my selfishness.

I just wanna confess those things to you guys and to Christ, that such things are a pleasant sacrifice to He who reigns above me in majesty and power. He ever deserves it.

P.S.: James Taylor has some beautiful music. Particularly his lesser-known songs. For me, his music is really what gets me through sometimes. He's an incredible person.