Wild at heart.

I missed church, both in the morning and at night. It was accidental. But that's no shame to me, because I was in Bryant Park from about 1 pm to 5:45 just taking pictures and then sitting, reading Wild At Heart. For those of you who don't know, it's a book that explains what goes wrong with a man and... everything about us. How to break us, how to fix us. I've learned so much truth from this book. I read about a fourth of it today in the park. I could go into all kinds of detail, but I'm not going to. To do so would be exhausting. But I was nurtured today by the Spirit, sitting there thinking, reading, and underlining. As well as taking notes. I've completely marked up the second half of the book cause that's when I REALLY started reading it. No matter who you are as a man, you should read it. And if you're a female, read it to understand men. Only after you've read Captivating, the companion book, for women.

It sounds cheesy. It sounds like a cookie-cutter approach to helping people. "Get fixed". It's not about an instant cure. You will learn SO MUCH from this book that will change how and what you think, but not because of any external approach. It will open your eyes and awaken the desires of your heart to know God's will, your proper place, and most enjoyably though arduously, how you must win a woman's heart.

The book explains what they want and need. It explains that before you seek and fight for a woman, you must first confront your own internal wounds. We all have them. They fuel the facade that makes up our sinful existence. If we don't face them, we will forever be abandoning the greater part of our strength and avoiding battles that must be fought and won if we are to grow and find out our true identity as people and as servants of Christ.

So yes, I felt very close to God today. Since I left the park I have still been fighting back tears because of the connections I've made in my mind between truth and my reality. If your "spiritual experience" is void of emotionality towards God, then you have religion, not relationship. Rules, not a love exchange.

God said a lot to me. I saw this girl in the park who I thought was pretty, which happens inevitably and constantly, because I am a male and I am attuned to physical beauty. That is my design. I realized this is why God made us this way; because males are attuned to physical beauty, they are given the role of assertiveness and pursuing the female. Females are attracted to emotional beauty, or personality, which helps them discern which male would be the best at heart. Unfortunately, they overlook the wounds and flaws in the male, and they get hurt. Read the book and you'll read about that. Anyway, I thought this girl was kinda pretty, and then God said something through me, which was this.

"You can not make me more of a man than I already am."

This was me, in my head speaking to the girl of course. It came from God, conveyed through the truth in this book. After filling my head with it and having my mind dwell on spiritual things for a few hours and of my own volition, it happened a lot. Today was a great day, it really was.

But back to my quote. It relates to how men look for a woman that will make them feel like a man, not challenge them to be one. What you, as a male, rather experience? Having Jessica Alba throw herself at you, or having her threaten to spread a rumor you're gay when you won't sleep with her? Vivid and provoking analogy, to say the least, but it's a good picture of the level of challenge we males feel when we have to choose between abandoning our real strength (the easy choice, sex) or keeping it (the hard choice, standing your ground on Christ the rock). The book explains how we either abandon or hold on to our strength, the strength that God imbued into us as men.

So ultimately in my head, I prevailed but ONLY because Christ has shown me that a woman will not make me a man. I must first address my inner wounds, find my strength, and then pursue her. I'm not sure who she is yet, but that hardly matters at this point. I have to face my past first.

Foot update! and recommended book!

My foot is feeling better! Both of them! And I got around today without much pain. It was... a patient experience, trudging through the busy subways with a limp. Busy is an understatement.

I have a book recommendation. In fact, I order you to get it. Go ahead and buy it, it'll change your outlook... unless you're a genius philosopher/writer. Timothy Keller, pastor of Redeemer Presbyterian Church here in NYC, wrote the book "The Prodigal God" about the story of the prodigal son. It completely breaks open the story and reveals so much inside that I never thought. It shifts the focus from the younger brother to the elder brother and teaches us a lesson about him... revealing the REAL focus that Jesus had with this story. Revealing the real meaning. We culturally have misinterpreted it. But you'll have to read this book to understand just how. It digs into the heart of the Christian faith and explains one of Jesus' most famous parables. I always was really bored with that parable/story but when I read this book, it was really interesting!

If you really want to know the lesson behind this parable, the lesson Jesus meant for the Pharisees to hear, then read this book. It will explain this parable and help you APPLY it to you personally. It has real meaning for everyone on earth, not just those who run away as "prodigal" sons. The prodigal son is only one third of the true story here... the other two thirds are in this book. Enjoy.

Anyway

This song by Nichole Nordeman was played at Redeemer Church which meets in Hunter College here in NYC. A soloist came up and sang/played it on piano. It's a beautiful song, you should check it out. It's about how we're so filthy and dusty from years of sin and it's after scraping off the years of baggage and submitting it to Christ that we get a glimpse of who we really are. Some of you, I know, would really get a lot out of this song. It moved me when I heard it, and I felt like it was speaking to me, deep down.

~ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j7UggqrnEr0 ~

Bless the day this restoration is complete
Dirty dusty something must be underneath
So I scrape and I scuff
Though it's never quite enough
I am starting to see me finally...

A gallery of paintings new and paintings old
I guess it's no surprise that I'm no Michaelangelo.
Every layer of mine hides a lovely design
It might take a little patience
It might take a little time...

But you called me beautiful
When you saw my shame
And you placed me on the wall
Anyway.

You who have begun this work will someday see
A portrait of the holiness you meant for me
So I polish and shine
Til it's easier to find even an outline of mine

But you called me beautiful
When you saw my shame
And you placed me on the wall
Anyway
Anyway
And you placed me on the wall
Anyway

Foot problems and Fireworks

It's mid-Monday now and I'm not out evangelizing because the other day my foot pain got really bad and now it feels like when I put weight on it it's going to pop. Also there's a bit of nerve pain in the bottom because when I squeeze/put weight on my arch I get an electrical shock in my big toe every time I do it. I had that feeling prior to this pain, and now that I have the pain I really don't want to aggravate the condition. So going with Brandon's advice, I'm gonna see what I can do to alleviate it. Been icing it so much that I might need to have someone buy more ice.

On a lighter note, the July 4 show was awesome! I've never seen such a show on such a grand scale. They were HUGE. Not all of them but some. They started out with fireworks that exploded into cube wireframe shapes. They also had some that exploded and scurried outward like scarab beetles. My favorite were the biggest ones that just blew up in a circle and were one color. Because they were huge. It was worth the wait.

We played Mafia and Apples to Apples while waiting for the show to start. We were by the Hudson, and everyone had to hold it if they needed to pee, etc because they wouldn't allow people out at first. I guess the cops realized that thousands of people without a bathroom is probably not the best mix, so they started letting people out and back in if they could successfully call someone in their party and wave back at them to prove they had friends in the pre-admitted crowd. It took my friend Jordan an hour to get back from the Subway where he got my friend Matt a sub. Anyway here are some fireworks pictures, sorry I'm late putting them up.

It's 4 AM and here are my thoughts.

I just had a great conversation with Aaron... he's asleep now. But it was about personality conflicts and making sound Biblical decisions regardless of people's opinions. I've had difficulty getting along with several people here on project simply because we have different personalities. To say I have not had that problem or to keep silent would be lying. My point is, it helped me to talk with Aaron. That's what's up. It was a relief to me.

We all have different opinions about things like what we want or need to hear. I've had situations come up lately where I'm hurting and unfortunately people interact with me the way THEY want to be loved, not the way I need to be. Unfortunately they don't understand that sometimes what I need to hear is not what they have to say at that moment. For example, when I'm depressed, I don't need anyone to tell me (1) that that's a legitimate brain dysfunction/imbalance. I want someone to tell me (2) that Jesus Christ changes lives and can bring a ray of hope into a situation. Yet the other day, people told me Response (1), and it didn't make me feel very good. Made me feel really alone and labeled. All I wanted was to have someone encourage me in Christ and all they did was make me feel worse. That day, I really didn't need to hear about medicinal treatments or cold hard facts, but just have some personal reassurance that everything's gonna be ok if I trust Jesus.

I'm not criticizing antidepressants and their users... please don't misunderstand me. I'm just in a stage of life right now where I cannot rely on that. My faith is too tiny... I couldn't afford to rely on medicine to improve my mood. That'd be too much of a crutch. I NEED my faith right now. I need to be FORCED to rely on it to save my mood from that place of despair. I CANNOT just hop on a medication and get happy, because if I did, I wouldn't feel the kind of pressure I do to cling to Christ every day that I live through. On an antidepressant, I'd be content. And I wouldn't be seeking God, because I wouldn't need Him to save my mood anymore. That's the best I can put it.

I need that obstacle right now, as weird as that sounds. It forces me to draw closer to Christ.
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I don't know why it says posted at 1:00 AM.

Turning Point

I think I'm starting to understand that God does amazing things if you surrender to Him and wish for amazing things to happen. Even if they're scary, they're worth it. God never said it wouldn't hurt or that things wouldn't be hard. They may be really dangerous or emotional or hard times, but submitting everything to God, we can grow our faith in Him a lot, which grows our understanding.

Anyway, I can see myself getting a lot more out of this trip during these last two weeks. I'm focusing more on the trip now and what I'm actually doing here.

Tomorrow (wed) I'm playing 4 songs on piano for a worship/music session in the afternoon. We're gonna meet back at The Space after evangelism and tell how it went, and just sing some praise songs. I am honored to be requested to play. God denied me the chance to do this until my heart was in the right place. Before, I was doing it for me and caring about my own satisfaction. Now, I hope that my intentions are pure. I think they are... I've been praying about it, that I would become humble enough that it doesn't matter to me whether I specifically play piano or the others do. Because what matters is Christ being lifted up in our song. Not my self-worth in music getting reinforced.

The New Divide

For some reason I can think of nothing else but God in this song. New Divide, by Linkin Park. Heard it on Transformers. My roommate Tom agrees... it sounds Christian in content. But then again, a song can mean whatever you want it to. Enjoy. Brad, I think we have some good material for a Discovery video here. You used Flyleaf before, and that's more extreme in its sound than this in my opinion.

I remembered black skies, the lightning all around me
I remembered each flash as time began to blur
Like a startling sign that fate had finally found me
And your voice was all I heard that I get what I deserve

So give me reason to prove me wrong, to wash this memory clean
Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes
Give me reason to fill this hole, connect the space between
Let it be enough to reach the truth that lies across this new divide

There was nothing in sight but memories left abandoned
There was nowhere to hide, the ashes fell like snow
And the ground caved in between where we were standing
And your voice was all I heard that I get what I deserve

So give me reason to prove me wrong, to wash this memory clean
Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes across this new divide

In every loss, in every lie, in every truth that you'd deny
And each regret and each goodbye was a mistake too great to hide
And your voice was all I heard that I get what I deserve

So give me reason to prove me wrong, to wash this memory clean
Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes
Give me reason to fill this hole, connect the space between
Let it be enough to reach the truth that lies across this new divide
Across this new divide, across this new divide