Beauty in Being Unique [Part 1 - Factory Christians]

I've been having this thought develop slowly over several weeks and it's finally becoming something coherent. Basically, I have come to love myself for who I am despite my mistakes and the inconsistencies between who people think I should be and who I actually am. I'd like to tie this into the pain I'm going through right now as a Christian. Part 2 will be an explanation more of the beauty of being unique and how everyone, deep down, desires this.


School is tough, and online classes are only for those who have a natural talent at being punctual and disciplined. *Throwing my hands in the air* I am not that person!


So part of my pain is this. I haven't desired God really at all in like two weeks, possibly more. I think I started to feel like this life is a system I can work the right way to my benefit, and if I'm a good seminary student, giving of my resources to my church, then God will surely bless me. After all, I have come a long way, and I'm a lot better than other people about being "active" in my faith. Heck, I feel like I'm leading my family into a better relationship with God.


WHOA THERE. See the arrogance? I was just expressing my thoughts in that moment... and they were stuck up and presumptuous. God is to credit... not me. However, "God is to credit... not me" is a thought that feels forced. I don't feel like I'm saying it because I genuinely feel that way. Do any of you struggle like this?


Here's my point. I feel like a Factory Christian. I see a hat I want, I buy it. I don't hardly ever pray unless someone's plight is very serious or I feel like I have to. I hardly ever leave my apartment, and when I do, it's to do things that satisfy ME. I go to the park to play guitar. Guess what's on the back of my mind? Maybe I'll meet a girl (more self-satisfaction). I feel like others just drain me, so I avoid them. I don't want to put in the effort to get to know them, because I forget they have feelings and might want to know me too. I dream of new things to blow my money on, but I only remember my Zambian sponsor child once a month when my account drafts $40. I've written her... but is she still just a number to me? 40? I put tons of energy and time into keeping my room clean. Why? Because I like how it makes me feel: in control, hip, clean, and for lack of a better word, "customized". I can see why some avoid campus ministries... leaders try to crank out the same type of person year after year!  It's a factory! So no wonder we get people who haven't made their faith their own! People just become the same judgemental, close-minded "I prefer my ideas over yours by default" kind of person year after year, and very few stand out as a beautiful individual who makes you scratch your head and think, "Wow... I'm glad he's here. Wow... I'm glad she's here." 


I'm like a factory-made machine, and I'm customizing myself into who I want to be. Think about it: I've lost my emotionality towards God (not unlike a robot), I spend my mental resources on making myself who I materially want to be (instead of taking time to read Scripture and applying it to myself), I don't care about other people enough to make them a part of my life (more robot-ness)... I'm like an iPhone and everything I'm searching for is a new app. Ooh, a new shirt. Ooh, a new attractive friend. Ooh, a new hip-looking Christian book I won't read. Ooh, a new silly band (ok, not really ;-) ). See? Factory customization. Add-ons.


It feels dead. And I'm not pitying myself when I say this. I just want you to see how messed up it is. I need people to understand me, to see the real me. I'm terrified of living a lie, so I self-disclose about all kinds of things; it's called being real.


Transition. So where do I want to go from here? I mentioned in the first paragraph that I have had a thought resurface for a while... the desire to just break free and be everything I cherish about myself musically, emotionally, mentally)... I want to be the best me, but I want it to not be about me, because if it was about me, I'd just be Oprah, or some celebrity. I want to find that hidden beauty in life that everyone's searching for, the kind that people think Oprah has. I thought I had found it with Christ, but I think I've only gotten a glimpse of it... I haven't chased and stolen it, in the most adventurous and romantic sense of the word. Does that make sense? It's like I just want to break free of everything that anyone expects me to be and just be me. I just want to be a "beautiful person", devoid of the cheesiness you would associate with a guy like me saying that.  Am I having a crisis of faith? No, I want to be loyal to a good God. 


But I am having a crisis of self-blandness, and it comes from following prescribed ways of Christian living without discovering who I am instead. Now, what I'm saying at first seems to sound like "focus on yourself, not God" talk, but it's not. The Gospel must stay central in my life. But something's gotta change for the better... something to do with how honest I am with myself (self-intimacy) and how well I share myself with and listen to the world (world-intimacy). Because in shutting out everything else and learning to value myself as a wonderful person, I'm discovering what makes it worth everyone's time for me to even be here. 


More on that in Part 2.

A Hopeful Crossroads in Life

Hey! So let me share what's going on in my life right now. From the start, this blog was supposed to be me revealing to you everything about me in my brokenness so that you will see (God willing) what it looks like for a sinner to stumble upon the flattering grace of God and remain humble about it. That's what it feels like... flattering. I don't deserve this love, guys... it flatters me that God cares about me.


I'm handling seminary online fairly well. Subtract the late-night Call of Duty sessions and add S.O.A.P. in the morning (see bottom of post), and thats what God wants of me, I know. 


The crossroads I speak of is this. I am growing sick of being known as "the downer" and the withdrawn kid who remembers painful memories more than the good ones. I have realized that I am at a point where I'm asking myself, who do I want to be? I think I started realizing this after listening to John Mayer's "Who Says". 

"Who says I can't be free, from all of the things that I used to be? 

Rewrite my history... who says I can't be free?" 

Everyone wants that! I'm emotionally needy, I'm vulnerable, and I'm aware I need God because of how wicked I am. I battle myself every day... and 99 percent of my problems are only problems because of how I respond to them. So I ask myself, can I really live my life letting this stuff get me down? Can all this really keep me in chains? How much longer can this really go on? I have hope in God, I know he comes through! I really don't believe that my life will be dominated by hopelessness much longer!

So I'm sick of staying in this position. Turning to what is wrong in me, I want a different life. I'm still a spoiled little white American Christian brat who loves money and attention. It's gotta stop. It's nothing but rot in my heart. God has changed SO much in me but he also calls for action, for obedience, and procrastination is NOT obedience. I want to see myself characterized by several things: 

• Giving money to my church so WE can have increased ability to bless our community.
• Not being tossed to and fro by my emotions, but instead tossed to and fro by the Holy Spirit. 
• Making real friends, and being deliberate in giving them my time. 
• Listening to God all day because I love to... not because it might make me "good". 
• Being aware that I can choose to make people happy or sad, and that others' emotions matter too... not just my own. Narcissism doesn't only come in obvious forms.

I love you guys. I'm real quiet, and socially withdrawn, and I really don't wanna be that way. I hate it... I want so much to spend time really getting to know my friends and anyone who desires that too. Help me get to know you, k? Don't think I'm not grateful for all you do. :) -G

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Afterthought. I plan on attending the S.O.A.P. meeting at Bojangles tomorrow morning at 7, Bojays on Arlington with Randy and JoMo, oh you know it, it's gonna be sweeeeeeeet

Actually it's going to be a really intimate time with God as I admit, in a spirit of chagrin, that I don't have it all together...  and as I ask him to please reveal more of himself to me in the Word. That's the point of the Bible... to learn more about God. Why am I so arrogant to claim to know the point of the Bible? Well, I'm not... but the Bible is all about God. Life is about nothing more than his glory. Whether you live or die, you will serve to show how utterly powerful he is. He has already won. So, if you want to know more about this God who wants your loyalty, ask me what times there are S.O.A.P. meetings and I'll let you know. I think it's a wonderful idea from a wonderfully different church who just wants to stay loyal to God out of the sheer joy of it. 

Hearing God's call

What I have to say in this blog is very important. Most of the time I'm spitballing at topics cause I feel like it, but this one actually means something to me and it's somewhat serious because it determines how obedient we are to God.

Recently, I have had the privilege of receiving many support letters to help my friends out on summer mission/evangelism projects. I say "privilege" because it is an honor to invest in eternity and to put a smile on my friends' faces when they meet their financial goals. Hope is a great thing. I love you guys!

I have noticed that in most letters, people say "God is calling me", etc. frequently. Seldom do I hear "I want to go and serve." Listening to God is great! But sometimes we wait forever and ever for help in a decision when He wants us to just act. Recently I listened to a podcast that really opened my eyes on this. There is absolutely nothing wrong with listening for God's call... that's wonderful! 

But sometimes a nasty little problem arises. 

Sometimes... we can become so focused on listening to that little voice in the back of our minds, that we forget something very critical to understand. You'll understand what I mean in a minute.

I have a story for you from the podcast I mentioned. I'll paraphrase it. 

Matt Chandler: "So are you going on that missions project?"

Young man:  "I don't think so. I prayed about it, but I didn't feel God calling me there. If I went, it would only be out of obedience."

Matt Chandler (thoughts): Well... what's wrong with obedience?

Wow! What's wrong with obedience to God, and doing what you know would please Him? What a faithless people we are, that we wait for a sign and don't just act! This is a HUGE deal, guys!

Sometimes, God's call isn't something we can hear. Sometimes it's in the opportunities you have to serve Him. And then the choice is up to you. Are you going to serve Him out of obedience, or are you waiting forever for a sign? A message in your alphabet soup, perhaps? Sometimes it's not going to be clear. Sometimes God won't tell you at all what He wants. 

Conclusion

So basically, I'm not saying anything bad about you guys, my friends, doing missions. I love that you love God enough to do it. I just hope that regardless of whether you "feel" a tug or a direction, that you're willing to do what you know is inherently pleasing to God. That's probably why you're going, and I hope that's always your motivation.

I've seen people switch ministries and churches because they say "God is calling me there". And He may very well be! But the question I need to raise is this: Are you following your own desires and labeling them as God's, saying it must be His way because you feel like that? Or are you taking a step out in faith, in obedience?

This fatal mistake in thinking has caused me to avoid many a homeless person because I don't "feel" that God is calling me to do what's inconvenient: give a few dollars, a few minutes, and maybe, God forbid, tell them the Gospel. 

Maybe, God forbid, you college kids should get up off the couch and stop watching Sportscenter reruns... and eat a vegetable, being a good steward of your time and body. 

Are you beginning to see that just because you feel it, it doesn't make it God's call? And are you beginning to see that just because you don't feel it, it doesn't mean God doesn't want you to do it?


Maybe, God forbid, you should go to a dangerous war-torn country and risk your life for the Gospel. Is that not what we're commanded to do? Is that not what the saints robed in white around the feet of Jesus up in Heaven did, in their time on earth? They counted it all as loss for the sake of Christ, the only treasure that matters, period. In this country, we love "cheap grace". Not having to give up anything to get Jesus. In some countries, it might cost you a hand, or your life.



Consider the true story of this guy: He spent years upon years preparing for missions in Africa. He landed there and was stepping off the plane and was immediately killed with an arrow. His death spurred a huge wave of missionaries and subsequent Christian success in Africa. So... maybe God's will is for you to die. I bet you're not envying that guy. Yet... maybe... that will be you Maybe it will be me. Read James 4.

I really hope you read this with open ears and it hits you. I hope I don't turn deaf to it myself.

A new way to look at Depression

This is a very enlightening way to look at depression. It's not just a physiological issue, or a social problem, or a spiritually-derived flaw. Those domains are woven together in people.

http://jdgreear.typepad.com/my_weblog/2009/12/ask-anything-friday-depression-and-mental-illness.html

I'm going to quote here...

"Depression is smoke from the fire of the altar at which you worship. Anger, depression, jealousy, etc can be helpful messengers pointing you to where idolatry exists in your life. Don't simply wave away the smoke by medicating yourself. Use depression to get to the root of the issue and correct what is dysfunctional in your relationship to God."

So true. And I'm glad that someone else agrees that sometimes these things can actually help. Not that I like depression at all, but when it arises, I know that there's a "heart" problem I need to trust God more with. Not work on. Cause I can't work my way out of this pit.

Doing great, thanks to God

Just wanna say that God has really done so much for me this summer and I've changed a lot. I realize where I need to change and I've let go of my past relationships, which is absolutely unheard of for me. I'm learning that everything but Christ is basically crap. And that's a scriptural notion. All else is loss compared to Christ. Living is for Christ, but dying is even better, in the words of Paul. I have doubted my salvation lately, and that I'm even chosen, but I can look and see how my life has changed and how my feelings for girls don't bind me like chains anymore, so I know I'm saved. That was a miraculous difference for me.

Thanks for reading, thanks for commenting, thanks for giving me reason to keep reflecting online on what God teaches me week by week. I suck as a person, I'm messed up, I give people the cold shoulder and don't talk to some but others I just pour my time into. I'm not even going to apologize yet because that would be dishonest. I'm not sorry. But I know that Christ will change my heart and I will be sorry. And then I will seek you out and treat all of you equally instead of ignoring some and favoring others.

I just want you to think about one thing this week. And sunday is the beginning of the week, not monday. Think about this, it's based on Luke 15:26. In whatever you do, as soon as you wake up till the minute your eyes close at night, does what you're doing say that you love Christ more than anything?