I've been having this thought develop slowly over several weeks and it's finally becoming something coherent. Basically, I have come to love myself for who I am despite my mistakes and the inconsistencies between who people think I should be and who I actually am. I'd like to tie this into the pain I'm going through right now as a Christian. Part 2 will be an explanation more of the beauty of being unique and how everyone, deep down, desires this.
School is tough, and online classes are only for those who have a natural talent at being punctual and disciplined. *Throwing my hands in the air* I am not that person!
So part of my pain is this. I haven't desired God really at all in like two weeks, possibly more. I think I started to feel like this life is a system I can work the right way to my benefit, and if I'm a good seminary student, giving of my resources to my church, then God will surely bless me. After all, I have come a long way, and I'm a lot better than other people about being "active" in my faith. Heck, I feel like I'm leading my family into a better relationship with God.
WHOA THERE. See the arrogance? I was just expressing my thoughts in that moment... and they were stuck up and presumptuous. God is to credit... not me. However, "God is to credit... not me" is a thought that feels forced. I don't feel like I'm saying it because I genuinely feel that way. Do any of you struggle like this?
Here's my point. I feel like a Factory Christian. I see a hat I want, I buy it. I don't hardly ever pray unless someone's plight is very serious or I feel like I have to. I hardly ever leave my apartment, and when I do, it's to do things that satisfy ME. I go to the park to play guitar. Guess what's on the back of my mind? Maybe I'll meet a girl (more self-satisfaction). I feel like others just drain me, so I avoid them. I don't want to put in the effort to get to know them, because I forget they have feelings and might want to know me too. I dream of new things to blow my money on, but I only remember my Zambian sponsor child once a month when my account drafts $40. I've written her... but is she still just a number to me? 40? I put tons of energy and time into keeping my room clean. Why? Because I like how it makes me feel: in control, hip, clean, and for lack of a better word, "customized". I can see why some avoid campus ministries... leaders try to crank out the same type of person year after year! It's a factory! So no wonder we get people who haven't made their faith their own! People just become the same judgemental, close-minded "I prefer my ideas over yours by default" kind of person year after year, and very few stand out as a beautiful individual who makes you scratch your head and think, "Wow... I'm glad he's here. Wow... I'm glad she's here."
I'm like a factory-made machine, and I'm customizing myself into who I want to be. Think about it: I've lost my emotionality towards God (not unlike a robot), I spend my mental resources on making myself who I materially want to be (instead of taking time to read Scripture and applying it to myself), I don't care about other people enough to make them a part of my life (more robot-ness)... I'm like an iPhone and everything I'm searching for is a new app. Ooh, a new shirt. Ooh, a new attractive friend. Ooh, a new hip-looking Christian book I won't read. Ooh, a new silly band (ok, not really ;-) ). See? Factory customization. Add-ons.
It feels dead. And I'm not pitying myself when I say this. I just want you to see how messed up it is. I need people to understand me, to see the real me. I'm terrified of living a lie, so I self-disclose about all kinds of things; it's called being real.
Transition. So where do I want to go from here? I mentioned in the first paragraph that I have had a thought resurface for a while... the desire to just break free and be everything I cherish about myself musically, emotionally, mentally)... I want to be the best me, but I want it to not be about me, because if it was about me, I'd just be Oprah, or some celebrity. I want to find that hidden beauty in life that everyone's searching for, the kind that people think Oprah has. I thought I had found it with Christ, but I think I've only gotten a glimpse of it... I haven't chased and stolen it, in the most adventurous and romantic sense of the word. Does that make sense? It's like I just want to break free of everything that anyone expects me to be and just be me. I just want to be a "beautiful person", devoid of the cheesiness you would associate with a guy like me saying that. Am I having a crisis of faith? No, I want to be loyal to a good God.
But I am having a crisis of self-blandness, and it comes from following prescribed ways of Christian living without discovering who I am instead. Now, what I'm saying at first seems to sound like "focus on yourself, not God" talk, but it's not. The Gospel must stay central in my life. But something's gotta change for the better... something to do with how honest I am with myself (self-intimacy) and how well I share myself with and listen to the world (world-intimacy). Because in shutting out everything else and learning to value myself as a wonderful person, I'm discovering what makes it worth everyone's time for me to even be here.
More on that in Part 2.
A lot of things I liked about this post but I read this sentence and I was like "Wow...":
ReplyDelete"I thought I had found [beauty] with Christ, but I think I've only gotten a glimpse of it... I haven't chased and stolen it, in the most adventurous and romantic sense of the word". I've never thought of it that way before. It's funny how sometimes we can be just satisfied with where we are and happy with being lukewarm - that's where I'd say I am at right now. The Oh-I-love-God-and-that's-good-enough attitude (not to mention arrogance, so yes I totally see what you're getting at). I'm not talking about contentment but about lack of making progress, pushing on, being on fire for Him all the time instead of pushing a button on and off when we think it's (not) necessary, and never thinking that what I'm doing is good enough. I see that you're growing in Christ and letting Him speak to you. And that's where we all need to be no matter what our stand in Christ. I need to listen to God, big time, instead of talk to Him all the time. Rather keep it going both ways instead of just one way. Thanks for this post George. It jerked me awake.
men I like how you said that campus ministries is a factory. I want to cru people to see a real Chiao, instead of a creeepy looking Asian. Anyway, George you are AWESOME. Which is quiet on the outside, but a beast inside.
ReplyDeleteHahahaha, thanks man! And I'd like to point out that I don't think campus ministries are just these horrible factories that produce clones... but that does sometimes happen. In fact, I'd say more often than not, we all turn out the same. But I think that we need to find out who we are as individuals and who God wants us to be (according to who he made us) without calling that Humanism. Because if we forget about who God made us and we just try to be somebody else, we lie to ourselves and others and find ourselves in unnatural places that aren't healthy.
ReplyDeleteYou know, I have a pretty good understanding of what God wants me to be. Or maybe what is a perfect Chiao looks like. Sometimes I get frustrate when I never going to be perfect. But I'm working on it. It's kinda hard to explain what perfect Chiao look like. I think ultimately, I'm driven by God's love. Honestly I don't even care who I am, or what I'm becoming anymore. I remember I told you guys that I don't want to be a Jesus freak at Discover small group. And now I just think its stupid to make a comment like that. But I clearly know who I am
ReplyDeleteRight on dude
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