Hi! I haven't blogged since February and I see that others are getting back into it; I thought I would just get on here and say some quick things. I have been enjoying my job at Overton's and have become more responsible thanks to that hefty commitment. I haven't picked up painting this summer like I wanted to... and haven't done anything with photography. I mostly work and play music. My cousin Drew, Allen, and I want to start making some alternative music and play downtown, maybe at that new coffee shop The Scullery. It has to be hands down my favorite coffee shop in town. I'm trying not to freak out that I don't have any school lined up for this fall and that I don't know what to do with myself. I'm thinking of throwing myself into a business degree but that could be a really stupid idea, but maybe not.
I used to feel more philosophical, deep, in-the-know. After I stopped blogging I have started to realize that most of what I talked about was mostly to establish some sort of hip self-image. Truth is, what I say really doesn't amount to anything. I could die tomorrow and nothing about me would matter 10 years from now. So I don't want to have the kind of "Christianity" that rears its head in the fashion of an intellectual hipster blogging and being wrapped up in himself. I'd rather have the kind now that comes from being in pain, seeing that I owe God my loyalty, and seeing what he has for me. It's a decision made out of devotion rather than "this is gonna be cool." I have learned more about myself this year than ever... as in, how selfish I am. Issues I thought were dead, are really things that I still fight with mightily. Let's take my dependence on women. God is slowly making me realize that no woman can be counted on the way I can count on him. I love girls, I really do. But I just can't do this anymore. God won't let me have anything I want. At least not until I learn to love him like a freaking magnet, the way I am with any girl I'm head over heels for. And I have no idea if that's possible, they say it is, but I haven't gotten there myself. We will see.
In any case I asked God last year to make 2011 a year that I grow. That, of course, was actually the best way to invite discipline and a certain measure of "ruin" into my life so that God could do that very "growing" in me. And I knew that... but I still knew I couldn't keep from growing up. I just want to get where God wants me so I can get my heart right, understand how to enjoy my Dad in Heaven right here right now, etc etc. I've been ignoring him for days. He keeps wanting to spend time with me and I keep saying I'll read the Word but I don't. My prayers are weak and distracted. I keep reminding myself that it's not about what I do for him but what he does for me that matters... that makes any difference at all.
And when it comes to women...
No comments:
Post a Comment