My life right now

Today I met and talked with two really good friends I'd trust with anything. They mean so much to me... we all feel lost or at least I do about what to do about a career and a future and direction. Life just has been getting us down and it's a whole lot more than that but it's not just a phase it's more like a maze and we can't seem to get out or every time we do we just get pulled back in. I don't know.

I'm just not happy lately. I can't pretend that I am. I mean, sometimes I really am! But not all the time. I feel like a lot of Christians advertise that it should be that way, that life should be great and if it's not then something must be wrong with you. And that when someone's down, you should slap em with a helpful comment like "I'll pray for you" as if that comment's enough.

I usually label myself as depressed. Every time I do though, it's always because at that moment it feels better to feel sorry for myself and call myself that. That way I get a label that gives me sympathy. But the truth is that I can always trace it back to some life situation that needs to be given to Christ or some thought pattern that is not "fixing our eyes on heavenly things" as is recommended in Scripture. Like ruminating on a girl I lost.

So what I'm going to do is this. I'm not going to call myself depressed. I'm not saying I won't seek medication or that it's wrong. But as soon as I say that I'm depressed, I'm affixing on myself a permanent stamp and makes me feel worse.

I don't know if I'll always struggle this hard or not. But the point is, do I want God to let me out of this prison so I can enjoy my life and get what I want (happiness)? Or do I really just want the genuine company of God, even if it means being depressed and never being happy again?

I'm not going to ask that God take it away. I'm not going to cry for relief like a spiritual baby. I've been around, I know it's time to grow and I feel the growing pains emotionally. Instead, I want, as I always have, to seek something radical and different. What I'm NOT going to do is renew my strength with a religious experience and burn out a week later. What I AM going to do is seek the company of God and delight in Him instead of trying to just get what I want and be happy. And I may have to withdraw. I missed small group tonight so I could have a chance to talk. Besides, it's not good to bring a bad attitude into a meeting. I went to church this morning and everyone was like "dude, you ok?" One guy said hey to me and just walked off after that cause he knew I wasn't ok. It wasn't a good situation to be in. As it was, I learned from the sermon and got to talk with a few friends about it which helped.

I'm just ready to pick a side on this. Do I see myself as permanently depressed or do I see it as situational? Am I going to be broken in such a way that I'm begging to be fixed, or am I going to be content in my discontent, knowing God is enough?