Foot problems and Fireworks

It's mid-Monday now and I'm not out evangelizing because the other day my foot pain got really bad and now it feels like when I put weight on it it's going to pop. Also there's a bit of nerve pain in the bottom because when I squeeze/put weight on my arch I get an electrical shock in my big toe every time I do it. I had that feeling prior to this pain, and now that I have the pain I really don't want to aggravate the condition. So going with Brandon's advice, I'm gonna see what I can do to alleviate it. Been icing it so much that I might need to have someone buy more ice.

On a lighter note, the July 4 show was awesome! I've never seen such a show on such a grand scale. They were HUGE. Not all of them but some. They started out with fireworks that exploded into cube wireframe shapes. They also had some that exploded and scurried outward like scarab beetles. My favorite were the biggest ones that just blew up in a circle and were one color. Because they were huge. It was worth the wait.

We played Mafia and Apples to Apples while waiting for the show to start. We were by the Hudson, and everyone had to hold it if they needed to pee, etc because they wouldn't allow people out at first. I guess the cops realized that thousands of people without a bathroom is probably not the best mix, so they started letting people out and back in if they could successfully call someone in their party and wave back at them to prove they had friends in the pre-admitted crowd. It took my friend Jordan an hour to get back from the Subway where he got my friend Matt a sub. Anyway here are some fireworks pictures, sorry I'm late putting them up.

It's 4 AM and here are my thoughts.

I just had a great conversation with Aaron... he's asleep now. But it was about personality conflicts and making sound Biblical decisions regardless of people's opinions. I've had difficulty getting along with several people here on project simply because we have different personalities. To say I have not had that problem or to keep silent would be lying. My point is, it helped me to talk with Aaron. That's what's up. It was a relief to me.

We all have different opinions about things like what we want or need to hear. I've had situations come up lately where I'm hurting and unfortunately people interact with me the way THEY want to be loved, not the way I need to be. Unfortunately they don't understand that sometimes what I need to hear is not what they have to say at that moment. For example, when I'm depressed, I don't need anyone to tell me (1) that that's a legitimate brain dysfunction/imbalance. I want someone to tell me (2) that Jesus Christ changes lives and can bring a ray of hope into a situation. Yet the other day, people told me Response (1), and it didn't make me feel very good. Made me feel really alone and labeled. All I wanted was to have someone encourage me in Christ and all they did was make me feel worse. That day, I really didn't need to hear about medicinal treatments or cold hard facts, but just have some personal reassurance that everything's gonna be ok if I trust Jesus.

I'm not criticizing antidepressants and their users... please don't misunderstand me. I'm just in a stage of life right now where I cannot rely on that. My faith is too tiny... I couldn't afford to rely on medicine to improve my mood. That'd be too much of a crutch. I NEED my faith right now. I need to be FORCED to rely on it to save my mood from that place of despair. I CANNOT just hop on a medication and get happy, because if I did, I wouldn't feel the kind of pressure I do to cling to Christ every day that I live through. On an antidepressant, I'd be content. And I wouldn't be seeking God, because I wouldn't need Him to save my mood anymore. That's the best I can put it.

I need that obstacle right now, as weird as that sounds. It forces me to draw closer to Christ.
----------
I don't know why it says posted at 1:00 AM.

Turning Point

I think I'm starting to understand that God does amazing things if you surrender to Him and wish for amazing things to happen. Even if they're scary, they're worth it. God never said it wouldn't hurt or that things wouldn't be hard. They may be really dangerous or emotional or hard times, but submitting everything to God, we can grow our faith in Him a lot, which grows our understanding.

Anyway, I can see myself getting a lot more out of this trip during these last two weeks. I'm focusing more on the trip now and what I'm actually doing here.

Tomorrow (wed) I'm playing 4 songs on piano for a worship/music session in the afternoon. We're gonna meet back at The Space after evangelism and tell how it went, and just sing some praise songs. I am honored to be requested to play. God denied me the chance to do this until my heart was in the right place. Before, I was doing it for me and caring about my own satisfaction. Now, I hope that my intentions are pure. I think they are... I've been praying about it, that I would become humble enough that it doesn't matter to me whether I specifically play piano or the others do. Because what matters is Christ being lifted up in our song. Not my self-worth in music getting reinforced.

The New Divide

For some reason I can think of nothing else but God in this song. New Divide, by Linkin Park. Heard it on Transformers. My roommate Tom agrees... it sounds Christian in content. But then again, a song can mean whatever you want it to. Enjoy. Brad, I think we have some good material for a Discovery video here. You used Flyleaf before, and that's more extreme in its sound than this in my opinion.

I remembered black skies, the lightning all around me
I remembered each flash as time began to blur
Like a startling sign that fate had finally found me
And your voice was all I heard that I get what I deserve

So give me reason to prove me wrong, to wash this memory clean
Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes
Give me reason to fill this hole, connect the space between
Let it be enough to reach the truth that lies across this new divide

There was nothing in sight but memories left abandoned
There was nowhere to hide, the ashes fell like snow
And the ground caved in between where we were standing
And your voice was all I heard that I get what I deserve

So give me reason to prove me wrong, to wash this memory clean
Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes across this new divide

In every loss, in every lie, in every truth that you'd deny
And each regret and each goodbye was a mistake too great to hide
And your voice was all I heard that I get what I deserve

So give me reason to prove me wrong, to wash this memory clean
Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes
Give me reason to fill this hole, connect the space between
Let it be enough to reach the truth that lies across this new divide
Across this new divide, across this new divide

What do YOU think?

Do I come off as a total _____ in my blog? Tell me what you think.


The reason is, I get kinda fired up about what I believe and... I feel like I might just sound like some hothead.








~

Get dressed (because I said so)

It looks almost like a track listing off some strange CD. I think it belongs there, rather than in church.

For a long time I have dressed up for church, so it is nothing new to me. I like to look nice, and I grew up having everything I ever needed and most of the stuff I wanted, so I can say that when it comes to puffing myself up in appearance and self-esteem, it was relatively easy.

Today in about 4.5 hours, I'm going to have to get up for church. We're going to a gospel assembly type service in Harlem... and the service starts at 8 AM. We're dressing up for it. My roommates were throwing around perspectives on dressing up for church and we all come from somewhat different backgrounds (although Aaron and I were both Methodists). We're different people, yet similar. Anyway, I said basically this... when did we ever think that giving God our best meant changing our outside and not our inside? and the crowd said, AMEN. And Aaron did too... gotta love him.

Our self-image and what we think of as "dressy" or "fine" or "classy" is nothing compared to the majesty of God, and it is not what He asks of us. He tells us that it is by faith we are saved, not by works. So because anything you try to do is an empty pursuit, let us throw off the chains that hinder us and run this race without feeling like we have to fulfill requirements. I just think if we truly understood, all of us, that nothing we do or wear even matters to God at all, that "putting our best before God" would look differently. In fact, I might even add, that it's the wrong idea. God sees the worst in us, so being as presentable as possible really has no functional place in the big picture.

HOWEVER. I realize that plenty of people who dress up for church keep God on their hearts all day and live passionate lives for him. I've just never met many. When I started going to my church in Greenville, I found more than a building with people my age and a colorful light show every service during the worship music. I found a place that I could go and be myself. You see, we're very busy people... and our time and our attention is a precious commodity. To concentrate on looking good during the scant free time on sunday morning is to shift my focus from God, onto my clothes. Please listen... he (or she) who has ears to hear, let him (or her) hear. For I am not here to condemn clothes or "make it an issue." (Keep in mind, if you take time out of your day to do it, it's at least somewhat of an issue already. You have to buy, iron, fold, store, put on dress clothes... they're not instant things.) For me, however, it was a distraction from better things. To change your life, you don't add things. You take things out and replace them with new things. Why? because you can't create more time in a day, that's why. You submit your sin to God, and replace it with the Word. You remove potato chips and creme brulee, and you replace it with _______ (choices include Diet drinks, Nutrisystem, or Richard Simmons... it's a free country).

Take out the bad, add the good. So take out the focus on clothes and having everything ironed, and put on your favorite shirt. Cause that way, you won't be thinking about it. And your wife won't have to dedicate any last-minute time to ironing your shirt. And your kid won't be near tears because his outdated shirt, the one you forgot to replace, is too tight. What possesses you to get vocal about your son's top button being undone, but when it comes to the non-Christian he dates or the way he never prays, you remain silent?

Funny how shopping for Sunday clothes is that much more burdensome. Now see, what can you cut from your life to make it that much less stressful? Take out the emphasis on having clothes that are "good enough", because you can't be good enough. Replace that emphasis with a desire to be with Christ.

I'm gonna quote Tim Keller here. He pastors a church here in NYC, and he's an author of books including The Prodigal God. He said this highly useful quote.

"Stop trying to be more like Jesus, and start trying to be with Him."

For you see, in trying to be like someone, it's a works-based pursuit. Self-worth in what you do = not good. However, if you try to be "with" Christ, it's more of a faith-based pursuit because it's based in your mind. In your faith. Faith, not works. Read Galatians. You'll find that's my favorite book to promote.

Tim is not saying here that trying to be like Jesus is wrong. He is saying that you can never be totally like Jesus. You will always fail. However, try to be with Him, and you will develop a faith that breeds its own works. Then you will not be without the good works you desire so much.

So when it comes down to Sunday morning, I need to prepare my heart for worship while I still have time in the morning. Because I'm rushed enough anyway, and my focus is needed elsewhere... on Christ. Not my tie. I need to go to church in a state of mind that loves God... fully broken and humble, not accessorized and sophisticated. And one more status step away from the poor. Start questioning yourself, and what you can do to change what it is that you value here in the moment. Because I do think we need change. And it's not really Obama... it's Jesus. And Jesus will ALWAYS change your life in unexpected ways. It starts with you surrendering yourself in this moment to Him. Do it often, do it with full desire. Pray something like this...

Christ, you are King and you deserve all creation bowing down to you for the rest of eternity. I am nothing compared to your glory, and although day in and day out I get caught up in myself, as if I'm so important... I pray that you break me apart. The selfish creature that I am needs to die to sin and live in You. As You told us through Paul, "what is your life? It is but a wisp of dust that lingers & vanishes." We're nothing, Lord... but you love us anyway. I submit the worst of me... the filth that haunts me and the chains that bind me... to You. The things I hate about myself. Or at least, I'm trying. Give me strength, Lord. You work slowly, but you work surely (Habakkuk 2:3). I focus on so many things, God... money, relationships, fun, leisure, and image... but you remind me that I'm fallen short of You no matter what I do. It's all loss, it's all crap, compared to You. I pray that you forever haunt my thoughts, that You might never leave me alone.

That's all I have to say about that.

Sy Rogers: the MAN, the MYTH, the LEGEND

One word.

www.syrogers.com.

At least click on it or look it up. This guy is INCREDIBLE. He told me more today than I have EVER learned at one time in my life. He broke down 9 reasons we sin and 9 redemptive factors in life. It broke down life into easy-to-understand aspects that covered everything... I can't even BEGIN to explain it. This man is needed SO BAD in this generation of sexually wounded people, or even if you aren't, any sin you have or any problem you have can be addressed according to the way Sy breaks life down.

He uses cutting-edge research the APA publishes along with twenty-plus years of experience to explain what's happening psychologically when, say, a boy is raised with no male father, or a girl is sexually abused, or a guy self-identifies as homosexual in an attempt to get love from the same sex because his father didn't self-express love to him. He explains it so well, it all makes sense, it was just great stuff, and he has DVDs online at his website... and it was the BEST TALK OF MY LIFE! Clarified so many things for me and gave me a clear vision of how to handle life even if I don't have all the answers right now.

This man will change your life if you watch his life story speech and his other stuff. He condensed a 45 hour course into 6 hours, so that's how long we sat and listened to him, with three breaks in between. It flew by.

Special thanks to God for bringing Sy to speak with us and to Sy himself, for the man was once trying to obtain love by being a self-professed homosexual, but God saved him. And he genuinely had those desires.

BEFORE READING. If I get emotional, it's because I have a lot in my past that still makes me grit my teeth. I'm giving it to Christ, but it is not an instant event. Jesus never said forgiving took seconds, or days, or any other time.


Sy told us this key pivot point of his talk. God didn't say "try to be straight, Sy.", but rather "give up your past and follow me!" Do not focus on the symptoms people, focus on the cause, don't criticize people and tell them to stop being gay, focus on the cause, redeem them through Christ and show His love! What redeems you is not "being straight" but being redeemed through Christ and having faith in him! Read Galatians and Colossians 3:23! Why do you think that God made being gay even possible? Surely you don't think it's incurable! Surely you don't think it's an inescapable stigma! Surely you aren't convinced that it is somehow greater than any of your least noticeable sins!

For in the end it is not obeying the law that saves us. It is not following norms and pleasing people's expectations or obeying any rule at all. And all sin is equal... for it makes us fallen.

I never heard this version of Christianity before college.

We are saved by faith in Jesus. What a revolutionary idea! That suddenly in order to "win", we must first not "try to be sexually straight", but rather painfully and slowly give our burdens and emotional insecurities to Christ! THANK GOD FOR THAT! Thank God that the goal is not simply becoming straight (becoming righteous through what we do is impossible, just read Galatians), but rather THE GOAL IS INVITING JESUS IN and saying YES GOD IT IS YOU I NEED SO MUCH RIGHT NOW, my life is in ruins and I'm shattered, I SUBMIT my filth and my heart to you! Teach me to resolve my problems and address them, not rely on you for a magical zapping instant cure! Teach me to LOVE YOU more than any other thing!

For with sin, the only way to conquer it is to love God more. It all comes down to desires. Colossians 3:23. Look it up. Rules like "don't eat, don't touch, don't masturbate, don't cuss, DON'T SPEED, don't flick someone off" DON'T WORK! They do NOT WORK! How do you stop then? BY FREAKIN FAITH! FAITH FAITH FAITH! Faith in Jesus when you give Him your life in utter submission and you say to Christ "no matter how long it takes, make me into the kind of person You want me to be".

Everybody is fallen.
Everybody hungers for love.
Everybody is a sexual creature.

For these reasons, we mess up, and big time. And although people will HATE you, and devalue you, and spit in your face however metaphorically, God WILL PICK YOU. God picks the people that NO ONE ELSE picks.

Ultimately, God didn't say "Obey me and love!" to be a contolling rule freak. It was out of love!

Psalm 103. David says, "God does not treat me like my sin deserves." That is the definition of grace.

And because most pastors in the conservative Christian church seldom if ever take an active role in self-disclosing the truth that they aren't perfect, somehow they establish this air about them that they are. By default, if they don't go into detail about how they're ordinary fallen people, we are led to believe that they are somehow more righteous, especially in the sexual realm. But according to Sy, anointing and appointing do not make you invincible to sexual impurity. Look at all the scandals! Don't you think they all thought they were above that? If they hadn't, they wouldn't have hid it so long.

Do you hunger for good, applicable sermons? Try addressing some REAL issues! How about sexual violation? At least one in eleven boys has been sexually violated by their late teenage years! At that rate, don't you think your church has some? Don't you think they need to hear that? What holds you back as a distributor of God's love from preaching about that stuff? It messes people up, it's a real problem! You are like the people written to in Hebrews who are living off of spiritual "baby food"! You aren't maturing and exploring deep applicable issues, but instead, you are going over the same material year after year! Feel-good stories! and what's more, you do little to get diverse opinions of the same story or parable for different perspectives! Bible reruns are NOT GOOD for the soul!

The world is crying out for you and me! People are hurting! And Sy said that most of the time, it's not that they don't know God, it's just that they doubt his character. Are you ready to model the kind of tolerance and love that God showed you, as filthy as you and I are? Can you really stand beside a lesbian her whole life and watch her defoul her body and waste away in unfulfillment while you withdraw your love and attention from her? Have you not misused your body before too? Have you not drank or masturbated or had sex or smoked or anything physically or psychologically harmful, that you are without sin? Get out there, make friends, and DEAL WITH IT. If you want mercy, give it. But to forgive, you have to accept forgiveness first. And to accept forgiveness, you have to realize you are utterly more sinful than you ever deemed possible. People are confused about Christianity because they do things in the wrong order. Do it in that order, and you will understand that there is a stepping stone #1, and 2, and 3...

Lastly, I'll make a point regarding bad relationships. Ever wanna know why two people stay together even if it sucks? Because everyone needs love, bad love is better than no love at all. Feed off of God or off of somebody, but feed you will. Bad bread is better than no bread.

Amazing thing about Christ, according to Psalm 107, is this: He doesn't take away my appetite. He just satisfies it rightly.

~

Praise God that I finally have something to live passionately for! Even if I do go on "talking on and on like a fool", as Paul puts it in one of his church letters.