I'm writing about this because it's a sick habit of mine that I want to dissect and maybe work through mentally as I'm typing. It's much faster than handwriting in a journal and I hope that maybe someone gets something out of it. Who knows.
I was talking with a friend tonight online and I said something about how I suck in this one area of my spiritual life, and I did it in such a way that was self-deprecating. There was something really pathetic about it... I was making a joke out of myself basically sucking at listening to God. She pointed it out to me and I realized that I really am hurting myself without need and cause. I already tend to beat myself up... if you've known me long enough you know that I don't give myself enough credit or let myself off. I tend to feel sick over the same sins of mine, and put myself down in self-pitying ways to try to get attention...
It's a sickening habit because it's something that hurts, yet I want to do it. It's not unlike cutting oneself. Some people self-harm to find a release, but they're actually just scarring themselves, in more ways than one. I'm doing the very same thing in my mind. Cutting myself with comments (yeah cause I just SUCK at this and that) instead of stopping and just loving myself because Jesus told me He loves me and... man. It's so hard. Proverbs: a dog returns to its vomit. God offers me this love and I just turn around and bash my head on walls by not forgiving and loving myself. I really have to stop this. No one's going to be able to love me like I need if I keep destroying myself slowly.
Even now I'm hating myself for being so weak and self-destructive. See how much of a habit it is, the beating-myself-up? It sucks! Pray for me!
No comments:
Post a Comment