Relaxing in God's grace

Perhaps it sounds cliche. Maybe the reason for that is we as churchgoers have developed our own catchy phrases and lingo. But relaxing in God's grace is the best (and only) thing we can do.

I've had a stressful week prior to now. The seminary has a different online system from Blackboard, so I'm trying to figure that out, and one of my professors doesn't have everything up yet, so that was confusing me when I was trying to figure out what to study, and I had to drop my Hermeneutics class because it looked like it would literally be too much work. At least for an online class with which I have to hold myself accountable. Top that off with the fact that I sincerely began doubting if this is what I want to do with my life (that is, study my ass off to become somewhat of a Bible scholar). It was a scary feeling that hit me the other day... it pushed me emotionally away from God so that I didn't even want to seek Him for a good 3 days or so. I just felt completely overwhelmed with this feeling that I'm overstepping my abilities and desires to learn about God. I mean, we all say we love God, but who wants to write 5 papers per semester, per class, on random ancient topics? The scary realization was that I'm simply not that bright.

The upside (wow... I was just rereading that and that is depressing!) is that I woke up today feeling refreshed and happy. I got out of bed with the light coming through my windows with the forest twenty feet from my room, and it's just a really cool view. Lots of green. Keeps me mellowed out. And I got up at 9:40 AM, which is probably why I didn't feel like a sloth that had been beaten with a baseball bat, like I usually do. Sleeping too long sucks.

I've got to run up to Wake again today to return some books... I'm just in a difficult spot. More than anything I wanted to make it into ECU's Marriage and Family Therapy program. Who wants to be a 23 year old with a B.A. in something he can't use? My self-esteem is suffering right now because I lacked the assertiveness in college to call people and get an internship, which would have helped me get into grad school and possibly find a job around here, even a menial one. I'm just trying to relax and see that God loves me anyway and that I am growing up; it's just a slow, painful process... the prepubescent growing pains haven't stopped, they just changed form and now they're psychological, not physical.