Lately I've come to the conclusion I'm going to have to ignore the idea of getting in a relationship right now. I have a lot in my past I need to face before I do. I have a lot of lies I believe about myself that keep me from making good, stable decisions about life and about my girl.
Here's a story that really sealed the deal for me. My counselor told me this.
"One day a dude decided he needed to stop dating cause it was just fraught with problems. He prayed that God would show him an answer to his relationship problems. He was reading Genesis one day when it was talking about God making Eve. It said that God put Adam to sleep while God formed his mate. He realized this was analagous to himself and he prayed that God would put him to sleep while he got his life straight. He still talked to girls and stuff but not in a romantic way at all. He fell asleep to that. A spell of time later, he was reading Romans when it said "and now is the time you shall awake from your slumber." He was good friends with this young woman he was working with doing ministry and he started going out with her after reading that... they've been married like 8 years now and have several kids."
I just want peace. I want to be calm at heart until I find my wife. I don't want to make my wife my ultimate destination because then I'll just get there and then be like "now what?" I just want it off my mind. I'm as straight as an arrow and I love women, or should I say... I love woman (in that I'm a one-girl man)..... but I sure don't need one right now. I need to strengthen my resolve to lean on God... not her. I cannot make her my idol anymore. I used to, and still do. I need to stop. My heart latches on and burns its own fuel out in a matter of weeks. Right now I'm a sinking ship, a cup with holes. I think the words from this Norah Jones song "Not Too Late" describe me right now:
'Cause my heart is full of no blood,
My cup is full of no love,
Couldn't take another sip even if I wanted it.
I could get in a relationship if I wanted it. But I have nothing left to give. I mean, what do I have? I have myself, that's it. And right now, I'm not fit as a gift because my heart is still somewhat broken. I can't love anyone the way they deserve, right now.
One day it'll change. But it seems far off.
I'm glad you threw in the fact that you're straight as an arrow before posting the lyrics to a Norah Jones song...
ReplyDeleteGod has a sense of humor in that.
ReplyDeleteI like Norah Jones' music because of her playing style. It heavily influenced the way I learned to improvise on piano.
haha I'm just messin man, If I could play the keys like you can I'd post High School Musical lyrics and get away with it
ReplyDeleteI hear ya. Great post.
ReplyDeleteSomething else I realized is that my friend Josh Lattimore, and Kyle Johnson both met their gals while focusing on what God had layed before them.
For Josh he met Raynor while mission trip training. Kyle of course met Danielle at a retreat